Just went to my first SA meeting after being on GYE for over ten years.

AMA.

hechochma wrote on 07 Apr 2025 15:04:

What made you bite the bullet?
And how'd it go?

hechochma wrote on 07 Apr 2025 15:04:

I can't stop watching porn for long enough to be able to have functional sex with my wife. And she wants to know what's going on.

Then I read all the reddit threads about people getting divorced because they can't manage porn and their sex life.

It was like taking a very short peek into a very scary place. You see it for a moment but the impression stays. And I know I'm headed there if I don't get help soon.

Very chilled, open, safe, validating place. Way more than I thought it would be.

Everybody introduced themselves. After that, because it was a newcomer's meeting (me being the newcomer), they went around the circle reading some introductions for the newcomer from the white book.

Then they went around the room and each person shared 2 minutes of ESH (Experience, strength and hope) with the newcomer (still me). There is no cross-talking - meaning no one can reply to what someone else shares - everyone just listens.

Afterwards I exchanged numbers with a lot of guys.

Overall, it was a great experience and I hope to go back soon!

hechochma wrote on 07 Apr 2025 15:04:

Why does it take SA to get you back on GYE? 

I guess it was obvious to you GYE wasn't working, but do you think SA will make a difference?

Did GYE ever work for you?

Does your wife know you're doing SA?

I very much appreciate this thread idea.

chosemyshem wrote on 07 Apr 2025 15:56:

Was about to ask question 1 and 3...
Question is ....

hechochma wrote on 07 Apr 2025 15:04:

Chosemyshem wrote:

Lol. It was really hard for me to be on here while I refused to put a filter on my computer because I needed porn to be a click away. I guess I could come back now that I feel like maybe there's some hope for me.


It's hard to know. My biggest fear is that I'm not good enough to succeed on GYE and not bad enough to succeed in SA. I definitely got a lot of hope from that meeting. There were quite a few other guys whose struggle is very similar to mine, that only got clean through the program. A bunch of guys (even some who are sober for years) mentioned that it took them some time to succeed but they kept coming back and eventually it worked. So, I'm hopeful - stick around and we'll find out!


Yes and no. I got 90 days once. I never felt free from porn and masturbation. I had a lot of 30 - 60 day runs. It was a lot better than pre-gye when I would masturbate 3 - 6 times a day. But in the end I just fell right off the map, as you have seen, uninstalled my filter and said I just can't do it anymore.


No. Part of the newcomer's reading from the white book is a caution against telling your wife anything until you start to get sober and even then only under very very wise counsel. For now, it's totally off the table.


Thanks!

hechochma wrote on 07 Apr 2025 15:04:

Having learned so much from you throughout every single stage of your journey (the ups, and oddly enough, all the more so on the downs), all I can say to a special, wise, empathetic and courageous friend is...

Looking forward to continuing to learn much more from The Wisdom!!

And, since @cordnoy isn't hear to say it, somebody's gotta:

Godspeed!

Is it geared for the frum community?

Where was the meeting held?

Were you worried someone would recognize you? Did it happen?

Who ran it?

What did you like the most about it?

What didn’t you like about it?

bennyh wrote on 07 Apr 2025 19:31:

It was all frum guys.


Random building, entrance from the back. (Not a church)


Petrified that one of my talmidim would be there... I knew one guy from elementary school, but that was pretty much it.


Apparently, they vote one of the guys in every so often. I actually knew the guy running it. "Running" the meeting is really just the guy who gets everything started according to protocol and keeps things moving, they don't really affect the content, style or structure of the meeting.


No crosstalk. All honesty, vulnerability, humility and acceptance. Man, that sounds so brainwashed... Sorry... But seriously. You just get the vibe everybody showed up because they feel they need to be there. Outside the room there was leftover shaloch manos and the oilam was munching away during the meeting. Just chilled, open, safe space.


Honestly, going was just a good experience.

Most of my reservations are fears about if I get a sponsor what will he tell me I need to do to get sober etc. It was definitely hard to disappear for an hour meeting to a place that's a half hour from my house. I'm concerned about how I will pull that off regularly, although some plans are forming in my mind.

Hi, speaking from experience, do not lie about where you are going. Don't make up stories to make it something that it's not.
One of the fundamental parts of SA is being honest, making things up will not only negatively effect your program, but people around you will notice that something is up (I used to tell people that I was going to a chavrusa, it worked for a bit, until people started asking for details. It's very hard to keep fake details straight in your head... A person's wife might notice these mistakes and start suspecting something, and/or feel like there is something wrong, that their husband doesn't trust them ect.)
A few suggestions that have worked for me:
1) I tell people that I have somewhere to go, and leave it at that. I don't tell them what or where, and if they push I brush it off or just tell them that I would appreciate them respecting my privacy (I don't know it this is recommended for someone's spouse... I'm not married, so never had to try)
2) I am going to a private self help workshop/shiur
3) I am going to an appointment/meeting/shiur (if they ask what it's about, see #1 above)
These are just a few suggestions that might help, but ask around and find out what works for other people.
And above all, don't make things up.
Wishing you much Hatzlacha.
All the best,
Ezra W 

p.s. feel free to reach out, info is in my signature 

ezraw wrote on 24 Apr 2025 15:34:

Thanks for sharing your ESH Ezra, I appreciate it.

I am following the warning from the white book given to the newcomer at the newcomer's meeting regarding disclosure. So, I am trying to be careful not to disclose until I work it through with the guidance of a wiser and more experienced person and my sponsor.

You are right, though, honesty is very crucial for the program and I think practically I won't be able to keep it up too long either way. I just really want to make sure that my disclosure is done at the right time in the right way.

Hey, Hechochma Shlita, 
It’s really good to hear from you. I’ve missed your incisive and thoughtful presence here. Your courage, honesty and growthfulness is inspiring.

I really appreciate this thread. I also think that there are a lot of folks that can benefit a lot from learning about the power of The Program, (for frum guys), especially from someone who invested a lot in GYE. 

Each of us must walk our own path. I’m hoping that this new doorway will help you find what you’re looking for.  

I also feel, for whatever my two cents are worth, that it’s probably worth remembering that everything that you’ve invested in working on your growth up until this point is still a part of you. Your internal growth, deep self awareness, and developed wisdom, though unfinished (like all of ours) is still a Binyan Nitzchi. I don’t think that beginning to work the Steps negates the value of or power of all of that, though the focus may be different at this point. 

I admire you. 
Here’s a warm hand, 

Chaim Oigen

chaimoigen wrote on 25 Apr 2025 13:26:

Money.

Thank you R' Chaim

There's a saying in program that goes something along the lines of "All of my best wisdom is what got me into this room." The idea is that you need to do the program and follow what people in program tell you instead of making up your own program and following your own brain that does not know how to get out of addiction.

At the same time - I think in order to be successful I need to take my character, my strengths, my weaknesses - every part of me - and bring it into
program to use it to work the steps, to learn from the wisdom of those who walked before me and to work on surrendering to and connecting to my Higher Power.