lamaazavtuni wrote on 16 Jul 2025 20:14:

great work buddy!!!! it is so crucially important to have our own clarity why we wanna stop why we don't want this, not someone else's clarity, it is vital (for me) to have made that adult decision that this is not something that i want for myself at all costs, it is the foundation of it all, once we have that decision clear (let's be honest were all here for the same intention, stopping to act out...., so it is what we all really want somewhere deep down...) than the struggle is that much easier, there's no more tug of war, yes the yh is here to stay and there will always be a battle, but at the core we are clear that we don't want this for ourselves, we know it and believe it and feel it, so dear lama this list of yours is a helpful tool, let those messages sink in..., and keep it with you for the future when the waters might get a little muddy......,

here's a mirrer hug (i know we all have our chesronos... hugging aint a mirrer trade, although ר' ירוחם has a fiery מאמר on חבוקה ודבוקה בך.....)
kol tuv, and hatzlocha raba!

Nothing like the sweet taste of success, bh I'm here to report a win!!!!      Had an urge and could have easily acted on it but bh texted a chaver describing exactly what I wanted to do and the physical sensation I was feeling (which btw the second I finished typing it the pits in the stomach/butterflies disappeared) and didn't let the thoughts linger which made them promptly disappear into the oblivion.!!!
two hearos I had #1 even if I'm uncomfortable calling someone it can be helpful to send a detailed text, for sure in the initial stages of an urge.
#2 R elya lopian talks about the nekudas habichirah that a person has and he explains that at every given moment a yid just has bechira on one thing and he just gets schar or an oinesh on that one decision, for example in this struggle first a person get a machshava rah now his bechirah now is to let it stay and fantasize about it or to let it linger ,thats the only decision he could make then ,but now if he chooses wrongly and takes the fantasy route them now there's a new nisayon should he act on it ........   basically not sure how klur im explaining it but what I realized was that once i make a wrong choice I now have a bigger nisayon which again I can pass or fail and then after that again there's an even larger nisayon.........  So it's kdsai to nip the thought in the bud
      Ah gitten my taiyereh brieder!!!!!

lamaazavtuni wrote on 21 Jul 2025 01:47:

This made my day, my week, my month!!!!!

Keep on inspiring us in not letting anything knock you down, thank you!

Success breeds success!!!   Bh today had to take my kid to a far away appointment and panicked cause the last time I did it ended up being hours upon hours of pure gehenim trying to control myself talking to mentors ...... And ended with a fell later that day ..
straight hell .     But bh today I spoke to someone was clean in my shmiras einayim and bh productive in how I spent my day ,       and spent most of the time driving back thinking about the struggle, in a deep way and how I don't want it , very beneficial.
             One week clea!!!!!

Nice! We missed you on the vaad this week....

As history repeats itself I pass a nisayon with flying colors and then BAM I fell later ...
also didn't help that I didn't really get to learn yesterday which for me is a huge maztiv of sakanah.
          Well well as we truck onwards 

Onwards and upwards, Buddy

Feeling incredibly lonely right now ...
At least since I spoke to vehkam a few days ago I've been pretty goot with shmiras einayim and about making sure to try not to get triggered, so BH at least I don't think acting out is a good idea.       
Went at with my wife last night, besides for not having a good time and not much to talk about, and even when we spoke it felt really Forced , it just made me so sad to realize how distant we are, and I don't know if I'll ever get that close connection that I really want and desperately need .I also realized that I didn't care to look at other women ,  feel like I'm so not interested in life that I don't even care to make myself enjoy it. 
I'm really not sure why hashem put me in this matsiv , I know it's for me to grow but right now or I feel like is I'm failing miserably in all areas .                 I thought after being on this journey for kedusha for such a long time  I would be clean for a while and would be able to enjoy life without lust and all the maylos that come along with it, and really be able to fulfill my true potential and my tafkid.
Instead I'm stuck in the mud of lust/stinky marriage,/hard kids/not progressing in learning.                         
    Y does it have to be so hard.      

lamaazavtuni wrote on 25 Jul 2025 15:26:

My friend who I've learnt so much from, all I can say is I'm here for you, 
Sincerely, Cleanmendy