Hi everyone,
I've been on GYE for about 4-5 months now.
I was just watching some vids and reading some of the articles for about 2 months. But that didn't really help much, just made me a little more knowledgeable. 
When I BH finally found out about the Mentor option- life changing! Now, after reading a few posts in the Forum, I wanna join you incredible warriors and share my story (even though it's seems to be pretty typical).
It will take me a while to type so we'll see when I have time.

Welcome to the forums!!

Looking forward to hearing about your journey. No two stories are the same. You are unique and so are your challenges!

חזק ואמץ,
UpAndDown

mesayinoso wrote on 16 Jul 2025 13:33:

Welcome to the forum, and what a beautiful post to start with! It's wonderful that you're ready to share your story with this community of warriors - every story matters, and there's no such thing as "typical" when it comes to personal growth and healing.

It sounds like you've already discovered something so many of us have experienced: that real change often happens through connection. The fact that finding a mentor was life-changing for you speaks volumes about your openness to grow and your courage to reach out for support.

Take your time with sharing your story - there's no rush at all. Whether it takes you days, weeks, or longer to find the right moment and words, we'll be here when you're ready. This community has such patience and understanding for each person's journey and timeline.

You're already showing such strength by taking this step to connect more deeply with the forum. That transition from lurking and learning to actively participating is huge, and you should feel proud of yourself for making that leap.

Looking forward to hearing your story whenever you're ready to share it. Welcome to this incredible community of support and growth!

Welcome ! Tzadik , looking forward to getting to know you, even if it's just virtual

Here goes:

I grew up- like most of us- without any education on the topic of M.

Although with Shmiras Anayim a lot of “Don’t look”.

So I didn’t look for a while, I treated it like the same way I don’t wear Shatnez, I don’t look at pritzus.

I didn’t really have any drive for it (at least not that I noticed) until 11 grade (!).

I remember in 9th grade being with some friends and hearing them talk about what they saw/had to not look at in movies or on the street and in the store or mall.

They were saying how it’s so hard not to and so pleasurable to look.

I was really confused and thought “these guys are all insane, do they also eat Cheeseburgers?! And wear Shatnez?!” Like, it’s Assur, so don’t do it. (You can laugh, looking back- It’s pretty funny)

Sometime in the end of 10th grade I was laying in bed in a weird position and was MZ”L by mistake, I still had no idea what it was.

After doing it a few more times over the next few days I put some things I had learnt together in my head and realized this was an Aveira. But it was not such an issue yet as I didn’t feel compelled to do it.

A few months later (Sometime in 11th Grade) I was out with some friends and passed by a not very modest billboard, the same type I had passed countless times in the past and had just completely ignored, the same way I ignored McDonalds.

But this time I wanted to look at it, really badly. I quickly looked away but was really shaken up.

I thought “What’s wrong with me? I learn literally all day and I want to look at something so low?!”

I basically started avoiding going out unless I had to cuz I was so scared.

After this happened a few times and I realized this was something I had to figure out/deal with, I went over to a Rebbi that I trusted.

I told him this whole background, and BH the first thing he did was to tell me that I’m normal.

But, when I asked him how to deal with it, he said to learn more in general and more Mussar in particular. So I did.

After a while of trying this, I came back to him and told him that I was pretty much learning with my every waking moment, and then being MZ”L at least 2 times a week, despite the fact that I was staying in Yeshiva all day to avoid seeing triggering things.

He was a little at a loss, which freaked me out.

I tried learning Mussar right before bed, which helped for a bit but then it didn’t.

So I started learning Gemara in my bed so I would be thinking about it while going to sleep…

There were a few more steps I tried, but long story short(ish) it wasn’t working and I thought I was a lost cause.

Then I BH found some books like “Vhaeir Einaynu” and some others.

They helped me a lot with Shmiras Einayim but only a little with M.

I was on and off with M depending on how stressful my life was on any given day.

Sometimes weeks straight without doing it, sometimes weeks straight of pretty much every night.

I stopped taking naps on Shabbos afternoon because I was afraid of acting out.

Fast forward to when I was engaged: still the same although the periods of non-stop were much fewer in between.

I thought “Once I get married, no more M and it will be so easy not to look at anything I shouldn’t”.

Ya, no.

It was easy for a few months, then it wasn’t.

(To clarify: A healthy marriage does definitely help, if you have the right guidance in this fight, which at that point, I didn’t).

At this point I still hadn’t ever looked up anything on purpose.

The transition from that to P had a lot of steps so I won’t bore you with them.

It took about 9 months.

But basically I by mistake realized I had open access, and while playing around with “Lower” levels I almost literally stumbled on P.

I was so shocked, at myself for viewing such a thing, and at the world in general that such a thing even existed.

Around the same time- Maybe a month or 2 before, maybe after- I fell much more often to M.

Pretty much every night… I basically gave up on stopping M.

Again, skipping ahead a few steps (Told myself would never watch something like that again, did it a week later and then a month later, spoke to a rebbi of mine, who didn’t really help…etc).

I wasn’t sure if I was really “Addicted” but heard about GYE and checked it out.

I looked around on it (See my previous post) and finally found out about Mentors. Thank you @Eerie for making the Shidduch.

BH since then (about 3ish months ago, I think) I managed to not M for 38 days, which doesn’t sound like much, except when I realized, with Mentor’s Chizuk,  that I hadn’t gone more than a few days without it in the last 8 months, and not more than like 2 weeks in over 6ish years!

Be”H together with my mentor and you incredible people, we’re getting there.

Definitely a long arduous journey ahead, but I can already see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Looking forward to getting to know all of you, at least virtually  

Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and detail - it takes real courage to be so open about this journey. Your experience resonates so deeply, especially how you went from seeing these struggles as simple halacha violations to understanding the complexity of what you were actually dealing with.

It's heartbreaking but also so relatable how you tried everything your rebbi suggested - learning more, more mussar, even learning gemara in bed - and still struggled. That moment when even your trusted rebbi was "at a loss" must have been so isolating. You weren't broken; you just needed different tools than what traditional approaches could offer.

Your 38-day streak is actually huge when you put it in that context - not going more than a few days in 8 months, not more than 2 weeks in 6 years. That's real progress, and it shows how valuable having the right guidance (like your mentor) can be.

welcome the GYE family, its just one of the most amazing families out there.... just stay around and you'll iyh be on the right tracks....

One one little thing that I noticed about the Oilam here, if you think about it, it's pretty amazing:
If I'm not mistaken, it seems that most people who join GYE are holding by some level of "I'm lost, no idea what to do, basically about to give up but let's try this cuz it can't make it worse."
Yet, Most or our Usernames seems to be either something that shows we're ready to fight, or Hashem will help, or some level of healthy Humor.
I find it incredible how we can- in such a Matzav- focus on whatever little bit of hope we still have before we get any guidance from all the stupendous Chevra on here.

Mi K'amcha Yisroel!

Where do we get this inner strength from before getting the proper guidance in this Inyan?

Anyone who has such a Username (as I do), please explain what you were feeling when you put such a hopeful/funny name in.
I think it will give me- and others who see this- a much needed Chizuk boost.

mesayinoso wrote on 16 Jul 2025 22:21:

Hello buddy! love your posts and really happy that you got such a great mentor!!!! these guys are awesome! and so are you!!

as per this post of yours i guess i'm from the מיעוט who's name doesn't have anything that your describing, especially no humor, but no shock as the altehmirrers are dwindling....

p.s. in all seriousness i love ur name!!! and over here were all part of the misayinoso family,

loads of hatzlocha!
the @alteh

mesayinoso wrote on 16 Jul 2025 22:21:

Or, maybe ,most of us are on our second, third, or fourth account after we deleted earlier accounts when giving up. So we had time to think of a snazzy name. . . 

[quote="chosemyshem" post=439079 date=1752774311 catid=19]
] wrote:

Ah...
That kinda kills the Chizuk part of it...

w"mesayinoso" wrote on 16 Jul 2025 22:21:

Welcome my friend! Much Hatzlacha with your fight!
I think that actually most of the people join GYE because of the opposite! We might feel lost but we don't by any means feel like we're about to give up! I think the very fact that you join GYE means that you know (it might be deep down and you might not be aware of it) that there is a way to win this fight! 
I'm glad that you've found yourself the right mentor. You wil learn that your only problem along the way was that you didn't have the right tools to battle this fight! That's it.
Also in my opinion I think it's extremely remarkable anyone like you that opens up to their rebbe about this! I never had the guts to discuss it with anyone... It just shows how strong you want to win this fight!


What does that mean for my boring name 

Wishing you much success!