I can't take it anymore!!
It's been 21 days since I did anything, and the last time it was a massacre. Today I woke up excited, and now I'm trying again and again to hold out, but it's hard. I don't think about anything else; everything excites me, and honestly, I'm writing in this forum without much conviction. I feel like I could masturbate at any time. I can't take it anymore. What's really hard is that to last 21 days, I tried to convince myself that I could change, but seeing how I am now, I realize that I haven't changed. I've already done it more difficult to last 21 days, but also, but I've never managed to truly be free of this yetzer, and I can't take it anymore. I realize that masturbation has always been a part of my life, and I want more of it. It's like that clingy friend you want to get rid of but can't, and yet you still consider them a friend. But I know they're not a friend anymore, I just want to stop this habit but I don't know how.

Wow! You are facing a tough challenge. But please don't give up hope! And for some chizzuk that you CAN break free, please see Vehkam's thread here: guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/375452-Work-in-progress

WOW!!!!
Just the fact that you have the courage to post on the forum means everything!!!

From my past experiences, I also had a terribly hard time after every 18 days or so, if you hold out these few minutes hrs, or even days, it WILL get easier and you will get much stronger!  it's just this wave for now.

so hang on there,
chazak veematz! we're all getting chizzuk from you!!!

iwillkeepmybrith wrote on 19 Jun 2025 08:50:

Welcome שומר הברית to the forums! The fact alone that you started fighting this battle for the past 21 days, and you've manage to stave him off so far, is in itself not only progress, but also change. Allow me to explain. Until now, you were in a situation where you were passively resigned to your fate. 21 days ago you allowed yourself to hope for change. You gave it a shot. You made a decision to fight this battle. Whether you feel it or not, you've changed. You've become a fighter! No small feat. Sometimes people feel the internal change sooner then later. Other times, however it can take a while for the urges to dissipate. Stay the course, and you'll find that they usually do diminish somewhat over time, both in frequency and in intensity. Perhaps try reaching out to what of the mentors here. They may have some insight in to helping you stopping this habit. Hatzlacha Rabbah!!!

Thank you so much for all your messages. For now I haven't done anything yet but already feeling that I matter to people, it gives me the impression that I'm not fighting just for myself and that helps me enormously. I realize that having you with me helps enormously, usually I start day 1 with motivation and after a while I want to masturbate so I find every excuse possible to do it and since I'm alone then I can't. I hope that this time I will succeed. Afterwards I'm not going to lie to you I'm not suddenly relaxed, not at all I still want to masturbate a ton but your messages gave me a reason to continue fighting. For now I'm not doing it for myself but I'm going to try anyway I know that when the wave passes I will be happy to have succeeded, hoping that I will succeed.

iwillkeepmybrith wrote on 19 Jun 2025 14:19:

Dear IWKMB, 
What cought my eye is your name. Why? you ask. Becuase when i was a teenager and i COULDNT stop masturbating, at times i was convinced that i need to cut off my penis! I wished i could free myself from this slavery! 
BH I didnt have the guts to do it. I have KNH a family of kids..... So yourname brought it back. Keep my Brit, Yes please keep it. 

Now, please relax. nothing will happen if you dont watch porn or masturbate. even if you get triggerd by everything, (I know the feeling very well) it will pass. 
Remember this, NOTHING.CAN.MAKE.YOU.FALL!!! The choice to DO something is entirely yours. No trigger can make you do anything. If you let go and accept that you enjoy the feeling and that you understand that your brain,  your mind, your body are addicted to this 'feeling' of arousal, and that its natural, just like someone who is morbidly obese feels when looking as a piece of seven layer cake. Nothing more and nothing less. ITS NOT YOU! YOU want to quit being an addict, YOU want to be free! YOU want to be HOLY!!! YOU are not a slave to anything only to HASHEM!!!

I understand the feeling of 'i thought i got this, but obviously i was fooling myself, there is no way out' i had the same feeling a billion times, so did everyone else. Untill we chapped that WE DO have what it takes. And this is NOT US.  The longer you go without giving in, the more strenght you are gathering. You are rewiring your brain, you are learning what resistance means and feels like. Its not eassy, but by holding out when its hard, it makes it easier in the future. Giving in makes it harder in the future. 

Please for your sake, do not fall for the tricks of your brain, they are fooling you. You can quit, you can get better, you can become great and holy. It wont even take so long, just hold on tight to your chair and enjoy the ride.....

If you want to talk, please let me know. 

Welcome iwillkeepmybirth!

Being here and fighting means that you are changed. You are looking for a way out instead of wallowing in sorrow. You are here and you are incredible.

The hardest part is the begining. This may sound counter-intuitive but its true. Its super easy to have that initial spark of conviction but to continue after that spark seems to fade is extremely difficult. 

May I ask what is your motivation to change?
Sometimes we just know that we need to change but we don't think about why we want to. Once we can pinpoint the reason for the desire to change, then we can use that as true motivation to keep on going.

This also works the other way around. Why do you think you rely on Porn and Masturbation?
Yes, there is taavah, but whats the root of that.There may be some underlying factor that causes you to rely on these outlets. Especially if, as you said, that this has been part of you your entire life.
We dont realize how much we've wired our brain to rely on Porn and Masturbation to deal with difficult emotions. We end up just numbing ourselves from the fears, anxiety, loneliness, being tiered, exhaustion, etc... and in doing so we never gain the tools to deal with these emotions in a healthy way, which blocks us from living a peaceful and happy life of serenity.

I can tell you as a former user of Porn and Masturbation on a daily basis for almost a decade, It may seem like you're giving up this friend, but in reality this friend is holding you down. Life without Porn and Masturbation is way more Vibrant and fulfilling, and I can't wait for you to get to that point. I know that you have it in you!!

Take it each day, one day at a time. You don't climb a mountain by jumping to the top. It takes each step and sometimes you may slip, but the key to climbing is getting back up.

Keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

chancyhk wrote on 19 Jun 2025 16:22:

Made my day right there. Hilarious and also accurate.