I want to share a vort that my Rebbi told me that has given me tremendous chizuk.
(*When I was in yeshiva, I opened up to him about my struggles with masterbation but I could not even consider opening up to him about anything more than that...)

In this weeks Parsha is the Parsha of the Sotah.
This lady is clearly strugglin' and is not responding appropriately. She was hangin' out with a strange man, and things were bad enpugh that her husband officially warned her to stay away from this man. 
Yet, she ignores the warning and not only continues talkin' and hangin' out, she goes and secludes herself with him! From bad to worse!

And yet, the Torah says very clearly that if she stayed clean, and wasn't מזנה, not only is her life spared, but ונקתה ונזרעה זרע.
היתכן?!?!?!?!
She went ahead and put herself in a dreadful situation that was totally of her own doing and yet she gets this reward of having a child if she didn't stray.

My Rebbi explained that the pshat is that at the end of the day, she was in a situation worthy of despair and, through some perhaps unknown strength, she came out on top. That is the key to unlock the promise of ונקתה ונזרעה זרע.
Defeatin' the YH, even of one's own creation is worthy of tremendous שכר.

This has given me a lot of chizuk over the years, as I have had ups and downs on my personal journey.
(He also added another שלב that was helpful, maybe for another time.)


*Hard to believe that it's been a year since this letter was delivered into my Rebbi's mailbox. Lots has happened since then, BH...

Over the last little while a few different things happened that awakened old tendencies inside of me. I started becomin' much less comfortable with myself then I have been in a (relatively) long time, and I started feeling the pressures from old comin' back.
That's not a good a good place to be headin', although I am not worried about it headin' there right now.

It was botherin' me a bit and I have spent some time thinkin' about it. 
One nice thing was the realization that I am ok with not bein' ok with myself - because it will pass, bez"H with time and work.

Glad I have this space here to say this.

Day 529

My שמירת עינים has been all over the place recently. I need to find a way to get it back under control. The double whammy of the summer attire (or lack thereof...) and me feelin' very stressed and unsettled hasn't been the best combo for me. (That's besides losing my second seder chavrusa...) (there may be one other factor over here that is havin' an impact but I'm not totally sure...)