fair point
i want to share tht i am frozen since monday when a new member in a support group for jewish survivors of sexual abuse shared some of his story. 
he said that his kindergarten rebbe molested him daily for almost 10 years

i got super triggerred by the abuse of power by an authority figure and have been floating along frozen for the past few days
i keep procrastinating things
i feel so stuck

i do not know why i am so triggerred but i am frozen in place
can't work
can barely learn
hard to focus

two more things to share

1. my wife asked me to sew a snap back on a dress she wanted to wear tomorrow. I was super tired but agreed to help. i sewed the snap pn backwards and she teased me to fix it and i told her i will tomorrow. I went down to the guest room to settle down for the night, then realized it was an opportunity to take an action of love, so i went back up and spent the 15 min undoing and redoing what i had originally set out to do. she was blown away by that - she came in just as i was putting the sewing kit away. she really appreciated it and we hugged it out.
2. I called my brother to say hi, and as usual he snapped "I'm busy make it quick." with my wife's encouragement i sent him a text essentially telling him that I reached out to connect and yet again he snubbed me. I'll be taking a step back from him right now because I don't like it when he makes me feel like i am not worth a second of his time. I feel bad every time i call him, and i don't want to feel bad.

Hello, Friends.

My name is iLoveHashem247. I am a married man with a supportivewife and three wonderful kids. Looking at my life from an outsider's perspective, you'd think I have it all. I own a renovated home on my own private road with lots of land, run my own business with which i support myself, am fortunate to be able to learn many more hours a week than i work,  and am a popular and recognized member of my community- and I'm not yet 30 years old. But all this comes with a price tag - a lifelong struggle with addiction, mostly with marijuana and risky sexual encounters.

I had girlfriends in high school before becoming BT, and had shmirat habrit challenges, like most teens. I struggled with SB and engaging in sexual activities at massage parlors but was able to be clean for at least 6 months before marriage. during my wife's pregnancy with our second child, i unfortunately reverted back to my pre-BT habbit of recreational marijuana during the stress of a second pregnancy (the first one outside of the shana rishona "infatuation zone"), which in turn let down a rabbit hole of other issues... i had recently been visiting massage parlors, not for the sexual experience (i do not engage in any "happy endings" anymore, rather when i do succumb it is for the exhibitionism that i can indulge in without making a massive chillul Hashem). I am also very disappointed to admit that i had a sexual encounter with a shiksa who picked up a business card i had left at a restaurant i ate in, she sent me lewd photos and we met up one time (sept 12, '22) where she performed oral sex on me.

I am struggling to break out of these addictive patterns - i have recently filtered my home office desktop, my work laptop, and my smartphone i use to run my business (main issue was watching movies and free "live cams").The crazy thing is that I am a person who has made such amazing changes in my life - in many ways, I am the kind of person i look up to and always wanted to become - but it is the sticky residue of my past life that I'm having such a hard time getting rid of.

I am sick of who I've secretly become and the double life i am living.

I want to be fair to myself, honest and equitable with my wife, and and terrified of the shame i will face when standing before my Creator on my day of judgement.

Well, that was deeply revealing and I have revealed to you, fellow strangers, that which i have not even revealed to my wife. To be fair though, i have been fully open with her regarding the guarding of eyes and marijuana addictions, but have never ever discussed the massage parlor or infidelity.

HELP!