BenHashemBH wrote on 28 Mar 2025 12:46:

And if it was a synthetic sheitel you would look like a dinosaur.

Just have to rant :
I fell.
I knew the day would come. It was not sustainable. (I feel like a loser too.)

Before all the eternal optimists start screaming how it is not true. falling is not inevitable, try to hear me out.
The truth is that despite all the ridiculous, infalated , over the top, false, unhelpful, silly, accolades that some ppl gave me ( you know who you are) over my 179 days without  m, I know the real me. I knew that despite being called hero, tzadik, amazing light of purity and all this other nonsense, I am really a deeply flawed person in too many ways to count. (I am not saying that I can never beat this. If Hashem gave me this nisoyon , I clearly can.) What I am saying is that I was building without a foundation. Without a strong foundation, nothing will stand. It was a pipe dream to think I can continue on my way without making the real internal change needed to break free for good. I was not doing that. Nothing was working. As such to me it was a matter of when not if.

I do not want to hear about a great average. 184/185 because it will not work for me. for a few reasons:
1) to be totally honest, we would have to start from when I started doing these dreadful things  many years ago. Starting from then , My average is less then 10% success rate.
2) if we start from when I joined GYE, my average is around 45%. Not a very high success rate.
3)Most importantly: 97% success with 100% effort is not perfect but great and on the way the way to even more success. In my case, the fort was often less then what it should be. To me that is failure even with a higher success rate. If the effort is there then the results will  be there. My effort has been inconsistent..... to say it kindly.

To recount what happened:
As mentioned I was not really changing my thought process of how I relate to s**uality or women in general. together with the warm weather and more people outside made it even harder to keep my eyes to myself. Chol hamoed was even worse. I went on a family trip. I was told that where i was going was relatively safe (in todays sick world now there is really no safe place besides for the Bais Medrash) from  shmiras einayim perspective. Unfortunately it was not what i was told it was. with many goyom dressed the way they dress. My safest place was in the all male bathroom (which I spent a considerable amount of time in). Other then that I had around only a 90% to 95% success rate  not looking or contemplating on the the things around me. When I left I was exhausted from all the work involved in trying to keep my eyes away and also having been  only partially successful. The urges cam little by little but they were intense. 2 mornings later I was fighting all the things I had seen. Then all my favorite sights from all the Porn i had watched months and years ago ago. I kept trying to move on  but kept coming back.  My phone is broken and was unable to call or text my people. (I will bn post when my new phone arrives. I lost everyone's numbers so I need to get them again) I was battling for around 45 min with a  few very close calls and then I succumbed (masturbated). No excuses. I was expected to be strong and I didn't. I am really upset, but not surprised as I explained earlier. The rest of the day the urges were unbearable. I was even telling myself, that my streak is over and the new one one starts tomm so today is a free day to act out s much as I want! Somehow I did not do it again. Then I had to wait till after YT to order a new phone. The urges were so overwhelming to buy a non filtered phone and delay bringing it to TAG. I would have a day or 2 to see all the things I want to see. These urges were off the charts ... all because of my bad choices.  (BH I ordered pre filtered phone so when I get it I will be protected)

I have to find the koach to start again. Yes!  From the beginning! because I have to build up a strong foundation where these things should not be an option. I am not c"v mischaret on the 179 days ( even though they were not clean either, just no P&M) At the very least, it is 179 days with less avairos to answer for. I also will not say that it was not worth it. I will say that, It was not what i need it to be. I will say that I have not changed at all. It is  completely unacceptable to do these things. PERIOD!!!!! 

(As an aside the number listed on my user name is now accurate in all ways. In the past I had been back and forth on the benefits of displaying my streak. Part of me felt it was not an accurate barometer of where I was holding. Even when my number went high I felt it was not  accurate to where I was  holding. I spoke to many ppl who were technically behind me in a streak bit way ahead in every other category including, effort and internal change) 

I am so upset right now and none of the fake stuff will help me. The truth is That  I failed... big time..... with no redeeming qualities. I have to get back up and try again but  with 100% effort. I have to get a new plan how to go about this. The other methods do not appeal to me either. TBOTG does not appeal to me when faced with these overwhelming urges that come. (they come too often due to my poor choices) The only thing I can try to do now is as the Rambam famously says at the end of hilchos issurai Bia. Ein machsheves arayos misgaberes ala blev punoi min hachochma. I have to work more on increasing my learning, Maybe say another chabura to my chevra in kollel. Make another seder. Make it that I am so busy doing good that i will not want to do anything else. That would help it be  kayum in the long term.

May I just hope that I can rise from this the way I have seen so many of you guys do.

jollylemur95 wrote on 22 Apr 2025 18:29:

ok. You did an Aveira, and that’s terrible, and there’s no excuse. It’s something you will have to do Teshuva for. 

But the rest of your post makes no sense. Your point is that nothing anyone told you was true? It was all fake? And the fact that you fell proves it was false garbage, and that you’re also a piece of garbage? And that since you did this, therefore you haven’t changed at all?!? Really?

jollylemur95 wrote on 22 Apr 2025 18:29:

Brother Jolly,

I'm sorry for your fall, for the way you feel, and the way you felt. You are very hard on yourself, and that's you. But this? Do you really believe or even think that this is emes?

You know what hiding in the bathroom for shemiras einayim is.
You know what 45 minutes fighting off the YH is.
You know what not giving in a 2nd time etc is.
You know what ordering a prefiltered phone is.

I'm not asking you. I'm telling you that you know.

You want the truth, and the truth is that you are much more Kadosh than you allow yourself to admit.

Kol Tov dear Chaver

So how do I respond here?

Do I say how these last 179 days were not a waste like you've written here (guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/433180-Re-Legos-to-Clubs-to-Rays-of-Light#433180)?

Or that mistakes teach us how to succeed like you've written here (guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/431979-Re-what-happened-to-me#431979)?

Or that you are a SHINING LIGHT to us like you've written here (guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/430386-Re-Sick-and-tired#430386)?

Or that Hashem is waiting with loving arms for you to come back after this fall like you've written here (guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/430359-Re-what-happened-to-me#430359)?

Or that this fall will precipitate a great rise like you've written here (guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/429334-Re-Sick-and-tired#429334)?

Or that struggles are normal like you've written here (guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/428675-Re-A-BLEEDING-SOLDIER#428675)?

Or that you are a great inspiration to me and many (you ARE) and can explain it privately to you like you've written here (guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/428607-Re-seeing-some-bright-light%21#428607)?

Or that your accomplishments are never erased and are yours forever like you've written here (guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/428320-Re-Holy-In-Jerusalem#428320)?

Or that I believe you're a hero for getting back up and not falling again like you've said here (guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/427153-Re-Hi#427153)?

Point is, R' Jolly, I love you and respect you gufa because you have such a hard time. I only ask you judge yourself as you judge others.......


With a heart melting with the warmth of brotherly love and hopes for sustained aliya in all areas,
Muttel

  Ay, R' Jolly, I know your pain too well. Falling after a long streak hurts. No two ways about it. For that, I truly feel for you. Here's a hug. On the other hand, I will indeed dispense with the pleasantries and accolades. You are 100% correct in your diagnosis that sustained progress without a foundation is impossible, I too was guilty of that on my first blissful but extended streak. I want to take it one step further though. I apologize in advance for what I'm about to say, I say it with pure love:

  Who do you think you are, to judge yourself so harshly!? You say you're a 'deeply flawed person'. Oh really? Says who?! You seem to be operating under the assumption that falling = failing. Now, some times it does. However, someone who has the poison of porn in his veins needs a whole load of tools, plus help from Above, to fight the beast. For you to already hold yourself to such a high standard.. methinks you think too highly of yourself. You're just getting started!  With regard to this battle, you're no worse than a bar-mitzvah bochur, who's חייב in all the מצוות knowing that he's guaranteed to struggle! In fact, I'd say you're starting off even worse. We unfortunately have very little חינוך (barring GYE) with regard to dealing with this specific modern beast. How can you expect not to fall? There's a michtav from R' Hutner (Iggeres 128) where he responds to a bochur who thinks his quest for shleimus is being constantly impeded by his falls. (I don't have the sefer, here's what I was able to find quoted online, might not be 100% accurate):

“דע, בני, כי עצם השיחה על שלימות – משקרת היא. כולנו יודעים שתכלית השלימות שבאדם – היא, אך כאשר יוכל להחזיק מעמד ברצונו להשתלם, אף מתוך ירידות ונפילות רבות. כי עצם הנפילה והכשלון איננה מפסידה את השלימות, אלא שבכשלון יש מקום למדרגה חדשה של שלימות. ואם אתה רואה אדם שנאבק, שנופל ושוב קם – דע כי אתה רואה לפניך אדם שתורה ניתנה לו.”

  You say, TBOTG doesn't work for you. Ok, could be, doesn't work for everyone. I'll be honest, for the first 3rd of the book, I too felt almost nothing. That said, I think that you should probably give it a real good effort before you throw it away. It's easy to underestimate the power of (sometimes overly-simplistic) repetition of the same concepts. Yet, we all know what the Mesilas Yesharim says about that. Foundation-wise, I think a positive-attitude is the key, as opposed to one based purely on fear of falling. I promise you, even if every word doesn't feel mind-blowing, there's a drip-drip effect.

   TL;DR, cut yourself some slack, and don't write off TBOTG (or Mindshift!) so fast. It's hard to admit that our growth as Yidden can feel a bit lopsided, learning all day on the one hand and falling in this area on the other. It's understandable, we're starting from scratch in some ways. But it's דוקא to people like you that the תורה was given, and IY"H with the right combo of mindset change, accountability, tools and friends, you'll be truly Jolly in no time at all!

With love, 
iwantlife

Dude take a chill pill. Like, actually go get some Xanax. Mmmm xanax. Mmmm.

I get the post fall guilt trip self-hatred, but you and I both know not only would you never say that to someone else, you wouldn't even think it about someone else. If you're so stuck on being so harsh on such a choshuve yid it might be time to fix that. . . .

Hi jolly, great post, sorry about what you went through. 

One point, if you go a year with falling, even if it's because you were busy or whatever, still great! Even though it was not like you were putting in tons of effort.

https://rebgershonribner.com/triumphing-in-never-ending-struggle-with-current-permissive-environment

amevakesh wrote on 23 Apr 2025 15:38:

Thank you for the clip.
It was just what the doctor ordered!

Jolly, shlita

Reaching out to relate my best wishes for a wonderful Shabbos Kodesh.

I hope that you are ok. Thinking and feeling for you.  
Hope that you can maybe see and feel now that “haven’t changed enough” isn’t the same as “haven’t changed at all”. And that what helps somewhat is helpful, and good, maybe great, even if it doesn’t go all the way. I hope you’ll get there. I think you wil, with a little hopefulness. 

Bikavod, 
מאן דבעי חיים

I fell again on Thursday.

In a way, it is more upsetting  then the first one a week before. For 2 reasons:

1) Some have reported going in to a little bit of a freefall after a fall breaking a streak. I so desperately do not want to go there. Although I am not sure that twice in a week is considered a freefall, (especially considering my history) it is definitely closer to one then 1 single fall. (Goes without saying that even one time is terrible and unacceptable)

2)This fall came after what might be considered a victory.
Let me explain:
A close family member of mine was in the hospital. I was staying with him what turned out to be from around 7pm to 10am. I was there to obviously assist the patient, and to keep the rest of the family updated on any developments via phone. Being that my phone was broken and the new had not yet arrived, (I have it now and is operational. If I can ask anyone who had giving me their number to please call or text me so I can get back my contacts. I need you guys! Please identify if it a real number or a google voice) The phone that was left at my disposal was not my own. I do not know if it had any filter, but I know for sure, even if it was, it definitely was not up to that standards that I need. For example very prominently on the home screen was an app for YouTube. YouTube was always and still is a sure way for me to fall. There is plenty of bad stuff even without the worst of the worst. Anyway, I was b"h able to stay off it the entire time I was there. Hence, I can not tell you for sure if it had any filter because I did not try to google anything. I was simmeraly successful at keeping my eyes off the nurses and mostly but  unfortunately not perfect keeping my eyes of the TV's around the building. ( If I had to give an estimate , I would say around 95%). Added to that was that it was in Manhattan which necessitated driving in such a terrible environment  on a hot day  (particularly when I left in the morning). I only got a half hour of sleep while putting  my head down on a window sill. when I got back I went to sleep but promptly got woken up to deal with something related to the family member. After that I kept wrestling with all the things I saw even just a first glance against my will and the all my scenes from the past came and I fell.......badly.

Very upsetting after what I went through and put up with. I thought my effort was good,... but clearly not good enough. I do not accept the premise that working hard is an excuse or even a way to downplay the fall. The good thing it shows is that I am still in the game and not giving up. Just have to work harder next time.

Have to  get hold of myself. I do not want a freefall or even 1 more fall. I really have to start at the basics and take it from there. Help!

HUG, HUG, HUG. My friend, I saw your post before Shachris, my heart ached for you. I had you in mind during שמו"ע, both regarding what you're going through with your relative, and for your own personal struggle. One request, Please have at least half of the Rachmanus on yourself that you would have for others going through the same thing.

chaimoigen wrote on 25 Apr 2025 20:02:

CO:Sorry I just saw this that you posted me on Friday.

I appreciate the warm wishes more then you can imagine. TY!

I certainly understand the diff between not changing enough and not changing at all. I always did.
However, I still stand by my self assessment. I would not want  to discuss why I think this way on an public forum due to many considerations.

Finally, I certainly hope that I will get there. I truly believe HKBH gave me the ability to. The only question is do I have enough willpower to see it through. I am certainly going to try.

Thank you CO again for the warm wishes!

Reb Jolly, I hope you don't mind that I respond here based on our messaging.

(I've heard various versions of this story, and whichever version is true, the message remains).

When Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz, the great Rosh Yeshiva of the Mir, was a young bachur learning in Grodno, he went to visit to his uncle, the Rosh Yeshiva of Novardok, Rav Avrahahm Yaffen. During his visit, he asked his uncle to show him the best bachur in the Yeshiva. Rav Yaffen pointed to one bachur and said this is the greatest amkan in the yeshiva, he has the most penetrating insights. He next pointed to a different bachur and said he is the biggest masmid in the yeshiva, he is the most diligent. And he continued to point to different bochrim and point out each one as the greatest. This one for his Yiras Shomayim, incredible piety, or that one for his bekius, breadth of knowledge.

Rav Chaim said to his uncle, these are all great talmidim, but in the end which one is the greatest bachur in the yeshiva? The Rosh Yeshiva answered: “None of the above.”  Rav Chaim was stunned. “None of the above?  You just spoke about each of their virtues and nobility.  If not them, who is the best?”  His uncle took him to one of the corners of the Beis Medrish and showed him a bachur and said: “This is the greatest bachur in the whole yeshiva.” Rav Chaim was perplexed – in mentioning all the previous great bochrim his uncle never even mentioned this bachur, yet he is the greatest in the whole yeshiva?!

The Rosh Yeshiva answered, “This bachur’s defining trait is greater than all of the other bochrim in the yeshiva – this bachur is a mevakeish, he is a seeker and a searcher.  The others may be smarter, more diligent, more pious, but he is the hungriest, he wants it the most.” That mevakeish ended up being the great Steipler Gaon, Rav Yaakov Yisrael Kanievsky.

Brother Jolly, you are one that wants it badly. You look at others as if they are greater than you because they have this maileh or that perceived maileh. You have a hard time seeing in yourself what others see in you. Past any mistakes and regrettable choices is a man that desires deeply to do the right thing and give it his all to connect with Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

ישמח לב מבקשי השם

Please see what we see. Be inspired by what inspires us. Not someone that is perfect, no, davka someone that is imperfect, and still, he seeks Hashem with all his heart. The same heart that will be filled with joy when you accept that you have this greatest maileh.  וכן , when you are willing to realize the potential of this koach that you have, I believe you will find the strength to accomplish the madreigos that you seek. Stop looking at where you are not, so that you may see the value in who you already are.

Kol Tov and a gutten Chodesh