Hi, if anyone has any tips or marei mekomos for the following dilemma I’d appreciate it. As someone who has been struggling with M for over 20 years, my deepest desire is to be “clean” and feel whole. So, after a fall, I naturally want to go the Mikva so I can feel pure and so I am a kli to be mekabel hashpaos tovos. However I actually don’t feel like a person until I do go to the Mikva. I am realizing that I may need to challenge this feeling of “not feeling like a person” after a fall, and that may mean not going to the Mikva, to prove to myself that I am still loved by Hashem and whole - even after a fall, and even without going to the Mikva. Is it possible that my avoda now is to not go to the Mikva after a fall? 
Thank you in advance 

Going to Mikvah purifies the body and the body is somewhat defiled before going to Mikvah. Of course Hashem always loves you but feeling defiled before going to Mikvah is a halachic fact and not just a feeling. I don't see why you shouldn't go to Mikvah. I also think that going to Mikvah gives you a psychological restart so I wouldn't stop going. The general negative feelings after a setback come from the Yetzer Hora and it is worth using tools in the toolbox to overcome them.

I expanded on my experiences in this area on my thread. I don't think those are necessarily of any consequence to you though. 
I feel like this is a very personal question, not something there would be a general rule about. Do you have a spiritual guide you could ask? 

HI Alex, 
I concur with Yitzchok, I dont see why you should stop going to the Mikva. All teh Holy Sfarim discuss how important it is to immerse especially after any sort of ejaculation. It purifies body and soul. 

Hi, in my opinion its just the Yetzer trying to convince you not to go to a Mikveh, but theres nothing wrong in going. Even if you wanna feel like "Hashem loves me even if I dont go to a Mikveh", the reality is that Mikveh gives you a spiritual boost every time you go; its not only for "sinners". Its like those vitamins people use to boost their immune system. Theres nothing wrong to take them; they make you stronger even if you are not low on defenses.
Also by going to a Mikveh you are telling Hashem that you wanna be Kadosh and not interested in Tumah, therefore Hashem will give you more Siyata Dishmaya to battle Nisyonot.

Hatzlacha my dear Friend!!

Hey welcome!

Great question. Definitely something it's probably kdai to speak over with someone who you can be really honest with about your struggle, and your mental state. I would highly recommend reaching out to one of the amazing mentors here, Hashem Help Me (HHM).

My take, as someone who goes to the mikva about twice a year, is that I really like the idea of going against your feeling of "not feeling like a person" before the dip and skipping the mikvah might be a very valid way of doing that (chassidisch poskim may have a different view )

At the end of the day, no one alive (or almost no one) can "feel" kedusha/tumah/holiness. There's a good chance it's the feeling is some form of religious guilt/anxiety and "exposure training" can be helpful for that.

But that's just my gut feeling, and I do think it's worth talking to HHM about this.

Hatzlacha!

I don't want this to become a whole debate as this is not the purpose of this thread but the Ramchal writes that a person can feel the purity of immersing in a Mikvah.

I haven’t gone since I broke free.  I am hoping to go this coming Yom Kippur.  Time will tell. 

vehkam wrote on 21 Apr 2025 23:48:

Was this for the same reason as the person posting?

My reasoning has nothing to do with “feeling like a whole person” or not. I haven’t gone because being undressed in that setting can be a trigger.  However I do very much feel like a whole person even without having gone to the Mikva in 3.5 years. 

I have had feelings of depression, failure and guilt that I tried to clear by going to Mikvah and I think that this attitude came because I misunderstood how to view my struggles. The book TBOTG helped me be very positive about my struggles and it helped me heal. I have experienced many spiritual benefits from going to Mikvah even when I needed it because of being with my wife and in general I wouldn't say to give up on that. I think that regularly reading the book may be of greater benefit than skipping going to Mikvah.