Hi all
My story is not one of major trauma, at least I'm not aware of it yet. My journey is not very interesting, I was actually a good boy, but struggled in Yeshiva. Whether I wanted acceptance that I wasn't getting doing what I was, and I tried getting attention from being cooler, I'm unsure, my therapist can help me with that. I got introduced to pornography in Israel at the age of 18, and when I came home I got my first Smartphone my parents had no idea. 
As is the nature of pornography it quickly gets boring and you need more and more extreme categories, I got hooked on some crazy stuff and I felt shame and guilt even to be looking at it. At the time I had zero connection to Hashem, I did the things I needed to but I didn't know what it was.
Then I started dating, I remember speaking to Shadchan and to a Rabbi I was in touch with (With whom I haven't shared any of this) That I needed a pretty girl, I told myself if She'll be pretty I won't go back to any of this ever. I did find my wife, she was and still is gorgeous inside and outside. We had and still have a great relationship, but the fact of the matter is that women need more emotional support and you need to put in lots of work and effort to be extremely vulnerable, some days were better than others. But we men are more selfish and especially in the days when she was Nidah I told myself it's not my fault, And I was right back at it. I found myself going to sites that I swore I wouldn't come back to. But I was able to regain control when I needed to meaning I was able to shut it out of my life when it counted.
At some point I discovered a Mashpia who speaks about these things openly, I went to him I told him everything, and he helped me get closer with a strong connection to Hashem, I had a nice streak but after a while I went back to it.
This time it was worse than before since I discovered virtual connections and that made it seem more real. I found chatting and stuff like that were very addicting, and I spent hours and Money on these places. 
Next breakthrough came when I decided it was enough and I installed filters on all of my devices, but I still found a way to work around it. 
This time it was even worse since I started collecting personal phone numbers so I didn't need to be on any site, i could message them with my regular phone! This started consuming me like it never has. 24/7 access to whatever it was I wanted, was the low I needed to finally realize how I am destroying everything I have. That is when I decided enough was enough. I signed up to be here, was provided a mentor, and I can say I know it won't last forever, I will still fall, But I'm enjoying it as much as I can, and am hopeful that this is a turning point in my life to be a better husband, father and a better Jew.

Wow! Welcome to the most amazing family in the world! Here we care about you, we want to hear from you, and we want to see you succeed!

Mentors are the way to go!



One thing I'll disagree with. My friend, you wrote at the end "I can say I know it won't last forever, I will still fall..". My friend, yes, it's true that our focus is each day, each hour, stay clean now. And  at the same time it's important to remember that YOU CAN CHANGE AND STAY CLEAN. LONG TERM, like so many others have



Wishing you much Hatzlacha, and looking forward to getting to know you,

Eerie

Welcome!

Can definitely relate to alot of what your shared. The good news is you came to the right place and it sounds like you're heading in quote an excellent direction.

I agree to Eerie (not that he needs my haskama) but I'll phrase it like this. The way you are today right now maybe you will inevitably fall again. Maybe, maybe not. BUT the way you are right now you don't need to worry about forever. You just need to worry about today. And then, somehow, one day after another you'll find yourself changing into a person who can be clean forever.

Read around the forums and you'll see how possible it is. Believe in the change but don't worry about it; set your goals high but your focus on the present.

Hatzlacha!

Your post mamash spoke to me. Thamk you for sharing your story, gives me chizuk to see guys that just dont give up.

Listen I'm a Bucher and my story I can say is a lot different than yours but all I can say is I have all the respect for you for sharing your story and how you really want to do this!!
And I wish you good luck and I can't wait to see you pass this journey and live a happy life
(As you can see, I'm new to this too so we're kinda in this together, so let's get out of this together:punch:)

I'm on day 8
I did not have any urges in this past week, can it be the excitement of marking my chart?
Can it be the overwhelming support on GYE or the amazing mentor and accountability partner HHM which I only really spoke to once? and I check in with him once daily 
Who knows, but while I'm aware that the YH didn't give up on me so fast, I'm still enjoying the experience.
It has been since I can remember my easiest 8 days in this subject.

Hi,
Welcome to the family.
With a hug, I love you.
Feel free to reach out.
The journey may be long, and it may be short, but it's a journey, and the destination is a different better life (you're traveling the same path as the chevra here, so you'll meet the chevra on the road).

I'm going on to day 9
I was told I'm in the pink cloud, which is a state of euphoria common with addicts in the first period of their sobriety
It's a false state of mind that allows us to think that we are over our addiction
But as soon as this cloud dissipates everything goes back to the way it was.
Sharing here because it may help others understand where I'm at.

struggler33 wrote on 26 Mar 2025 06:42:

It only goes back to the way it was, if we don't internalize why and how we want to change.

It doesn't have to go back, My Rayah? Look how many people on here have gone for years clean!
You will too!!
KOMT

There is a method to keeping the Pink Cloud of Euphoria as Pink as you can. (Lemme know  why it has to be Pink)

I call it connection.

It works

redfaced wrote on 26 Mar 2025 15:32:

Can you elaborate?

yerushalmikugel wrote on 26 Mar 2025 15:43:

Finding people who you can reach out to and talk to is a life changing thing. I've always been a guy with a bunch of friends, But I never knew what a friend really was until I started talking to real people here.
Talking .
Meeting.
Sharing.
And most importantly connecting.
And that is how people stay clean for longer than 9 days.

Pink cloud can be blue too - That's just how it's known
I think a mentor and this forum should help the cloud stay a while
But we shall see

struggler33 wrote on 26 Mar 2025 18:35:

It can, and will, if you use them properly. The choice is in your hands...
Have you considered making any other friends through this site? 
Mentors are crucial, so are friends.
KOMT!

Just came across this thread and boy do I relate, at times I felt I had answers but now I Don't feel in a place to say anything other then we're fighting and there's got to be hope