Ok so here goes the recap from the last few days.

Before Shabbos I've been going a bit downhill probably for no good reason, there was nothing that aroused me wasn't feeling terrible with pain etc. was probably just that I was dwelling a bit to much in the negativity, so I found myself taking some lust drive's, like "passing by" a girl's house who I shamefully used to stalk, or driving by streets where I knew there will be lots of women, etc. also I found myself listening to (jewish, but) women's music, and watching some of their music videos, Bh I didn't totally fall but it's already bad enough.

Then Shabbos came, after talking with my dear mentor on friday close to the zman and he encouraged me to please try all I can to have a beautiful and clean shabbos, I tried to put in the effort, in the beginning 'twas really hard, but by davening kabolas shabbos, I used an old technique I learned years ago how to daven a different way then the usual, (ve'hameivin yuvin) which put me into a trans soaring high above the clouds, where everything is so peaceful, a place where you see that everything is meant to be, and I Bh stayed there until the end of shabbos.

Towards the last few minutes of shabbos I started getting anxiety attacks, when I started to feel that it's almost over and I'm going to drop back down into the hard and difficult world of weekdays and technology, I so badly wanted to hold on tight to the place I was in, desperate not to come back down, but what can you do if shabbos is over, it's over, and so in a state of anxiety I started my week, didn't take too long before I was searching for women's music and videos, Bh I didn't manage to find any, as my filter blocked it this time (dunno why), but my fantasies were back up 'n rolling, so eventually I partially fell and M...d, could be not terrible because I half asleep at the time, but it's still upsetting.

I know I sound like a mental retard, or a guy living in some sort of fiction, (may be true, but for different reasons) but there really is such a reality, if you know where to learn about it, you'll see it's a real thing, it's not fictional or some bal-dimyon kind of thing...

Hopefully I'll be strong this week going forward, I do feel that a big part of it is because I'm dwelling a bit to much in the negativity, but I'm not sure which is better, should I go back to my old bubbly life and live in the positive, or am I supposed to face my wounds but somehow manage to be positive about them (recommended by my mentor), it's very hard to be positive about them, but I guess I have a lot of work to do. 

Hey, here’s a warm hand!

Shabbos is Raza Diechod. You were there. 

Motzei Shabbos you went (I’m not blaming you for anxiety), into a place of negativity, and there you were. 
Even before facing your wounds, there is value in acknowledging that you’ve build a tremendous amount of positivity, even though you have hidden wounds, buried under all the band-aids. Knowing that you have all that you built, means knowing that your pain and hidden scars don’t define you. That’s import, true and healing. 

Here’s a warm hug. Now please give yourself one, a big compassionate one. 

באה״ר
מאן דבעי חיים 

moishelle wrote on 23 Mar 2025 16:46:

I have no idea what this means, but I'd like to learn.

Re: the fall. Perhaps the major yesod in getting and staying clean is to learn how it's possible to react to anxiety and his friends without turning to our drug of choice. Not saying it's easy, and I for one am still working on that, but saying you're hitting the nail on the head.

R moishelleh might be kedai to reach out to muttel he helped me a lot with the idea to stay calm about having an urge , sounds like that was part of y u fell. ... 
   Hatzlacha rabah i really get chizik from your thread keep it coming!!!

Please do share your technique for davening! 
I could use a good soaring davening right around now............

I really can't and am not supposed to explain it.

But it can be semi achieved by intense focus and concentration on the words you're saying in davening (pirush hamilos) usually works best with closed eyes and not getting distracted by anything around you, when doing so enough you can really feel yourself knid of leaving your body and entering a place of devine holiness, a place where you really become one with your creator, you start to see that "deveikus" doesn't mean connecting two things together, just that we really are a piece of hashem, there's no flesh, body, houses, or cars, it's just all godliness separated out in different forms, and once you achieve this you can sort of understand and see the depths of hashems love to you, (as mentioned over and over again in daveining, it's literally there in every second word) and then everything's just so peacful, everything's meant to be.

It's a bit sad that davening nowadays has become something of a systematic combination of words that we just have to say because that's what we were taught to do, back in the days davening used to be more of a meditation kind of idea, it was a time of real sincere connection to hashem.

Today was Bh much better, as my mentor suggested that I should try to internalize that all my looking, lusting, stalking, searching, and listening etc. isn't who I am, it's just a tool I run too when feeling in pain, or just not in the mood.

So I've been trying to think about it, it makes sense to me and hopefully it'll really help me to keep on trucking.

Hello Moishele
First of all I cannot fathom what you've been through, because although I struggle with this inyan I haven't had the pain you describe about being treated like a piece of garbage, From what I understand there's a ton of pain and guilt within you, hence you started off with calling yourself little Moishele, when I was reading through your thread I wanted to scream you need a therapist, but then it hit me. You ARE doing therapy right here, Public therapy. That you turned to GYE from all other places after all this pain and suffering is tremendous! 
If I'm right and this is some form of therapy, I'm here to validate you, it must have been extremely tough, living through all of this and trying to run away yet finding your way back, a life on the run is very painful. I hope you stop running, because the tools that will help you are in YOU!
From what I can tell you are no little piece of garbage, you're a HERO! 
You are able to give up yet you choose not to! YOU ARE STRONG!
Continue the good work and continue posting! You're helping all of us!
One of the worst things about struggling is struggling alone -  the feeling that you are a unique case or in your language you're a unique peice of ** that nobody understands or gets
Let me tell you, You are not unique, Your struggles are the struggles of many!  Many aren't as brave as you and choose not to share, but you are sharing, and you're talking about it. 
Take the warmth that you feel here, even though it seems artificial and fake, I can assure you it's not! It's more real than the women or fantasies you're running to as a tool to numb your pain. 
חזק ואמץ! You will get this right! I know you will!

Today was much better Bh I'm basically trying to go back to being in a happy go lucky kind of mood, (I just love to be in good spirits as fake as it shall be) only that now I'm really tring that it shouldn't be fake, I'm really trying to make peace with myself, although I'm not sure if I really know how to get there...

Just one thing that I can't get my mind off; as I've already said, I've been clean in the past for longer periods of time I clearly know how to do that, also I have an amazing bedroom life, me and my wife really love each other to no end, I've really mastered the art of true intimacy, and yet I feel that I want both, I want and love cherish and respect the true intimacy, but at the same time I'm  also craving for some real hard p..., I know you'll answer that the two are a contradiction, and/or that p... is just a fake thing there's nothing there it doesn't make you fulfilled, etc. but that's not my question.

Like imagine we would have two (or more...) wives one for true love true intimacy kids and everything, and another one for hardcore spice s*y sex, I think it'll be so much better, and I know, you want to say something about objectifying... yeah that's what I mean, gimme both, oh and about there being nothing there and it won't make me feel fulfilled, that's ok I'll feel fulfilled and have all the other great stuff from the first wife, I just want the second one for some bad stuff... I know I'm a madman but these are just the crazy thoughts I'm experiencing lately.

Thank you for your very honest post. The truth is that in all probability if your fantasy of two wives were to become reality, eventually your real relationship would become less meaningful and you would lose that intimacy.

One can Accept the fact that animalistic thoughts will come into our mind from time to time and that it is up to us to decide whether or not to pursue those thoughts. Moving on from them for the sake of our relationships with our wife, with hashem and with ourselves is an opportunity to ratchet up each of these relationships to a higher level.

moishelle wrote on 27 Mar 2025 03:12:

Shalom Brother Moishelle,

It takes a lot to share our own "crazy" thoughts, which speaks to your desire to also try and figure this out. You mentioned having a good mentor, but have you been in touch with any of the other experienced mentors here (HHM - michelgelner@gmail.com)? 

You wrote about true intimacy, respect, and contradiction. The drugs won't ruin your good life because you'll have both a fulfilling life and drugs on the side? That's not how it works. The drugs will poison everything. If you didn't already answer your own question, then I don't understand what your question is.

Hatzhacha and Kol Tov

moishelle wrote on 27 Mar 2025 03:12:

Totally normal.

So normal that the dor hamabul already came up with this idea

I've actually made so many polygamy "jokes" over the years that my wife gets upset just hearing about the idea. But I think Vhekam's point is fantastic, and worth putting some serious thought into.

Thanks for all of you who took the time to respond.
@Ben Hashem for Q1 the answer is I'm not in touch with HHM, but I am in touch on a daily basis with Chaim Oigen, dunno if you know him or if you consider him to be from the greats here but he's a very smart and deep guy, he's helped me tremendously with almost everything in my life GYE related, including my bad feelings... and he's set me straight with my true intimacy, which although I had a great bedroom life before joining gye, it was definitely enhanced through talking with him a lot about p&m in general and the bedroom in particular.

As for Q2 what I'm really saying is that I'm hearing and reading so much from friends and mentors, and reading the forums which I did for a very long time, about p&m and true intimacy as if it's one thing and solving one will solve the other, although everyone does recognize that it's not really one thing and they both need work, but still it is intertwined... which to me doesn't resonate at all, I have a great intimacy life with an extremely strong loving relationship with my wife, and yet I'm not at all satisfied after having an awesome night in bed together, I still crave heavily for some hardcore P... could be not right after, but within a couple of hours I'm craving it badly, and don't tell me that I'm in bed with my wife in lusty way, because that's absolutely not true I for the most part kicked my lust issue (to some extant at least) my main struggle now is low self esteem which I numb by using fantasizing about using some old tools I used to use back in the day, so in other words I feel like if having a great night in bed with the wife does zero to fill the sex desire, then I'm not getting any sex Ela Mai sex isn't something one gets from his wife because the wife is not an object and she's not interested in anything other than true intimacy, Im Kein I gotta go to that p... star (in real life would be better...) who was very interested in sex, not intimacy, Vechi Teima that it's all a hoax, she's only smiling because she's paid to do so but really she's not interested in it, I get you, that's probably true but Im Kein Kumt Ois that Hashem gave us a desire that there is no way in the world to fulfill for no money, so then why were we given this desire?!?!?! Ve'ain Lomar that it's because otherwise no one would get married, because marriage is a whole different desire, it's a different Sugya altogether Kn"l, Ve'Im Kein Hadrun Kushyun Leduchtei?!?!?!?! Vtzarich Iyun...

@Vhekam and @Shem, yes that point definitely is the way go to about this, this is exactly what my great mentor @Chaim Oigen has told me over and over again, but still the thoughts don't stop coming at me, everytime I have even a Chashash of a low mood these thoughts come rushing back at me, which is what prompted me to write that post last night in the first place... and it's kind of driving me bananas.

Thanks for listening, I think it helped somewhat just to write it all down and get it out of my system.

moishelle wrote on 27 Mar 2025 16:09:

Hey, if you speak to Reb CO on the daily, all I can say now is that I'm super jealous 

ומצי למיפרך, דהא איכא איסורא דגניבה וכו"ע מודים דיש תאות גניבה. תיובתא דמוישעלע תיובתא
אלא הכי קאמר בראתי את היצר הרע ובראתי לו תורה תבלין.