Hi, I'm little Moishe`lle, and boy am I little, I just keep on belittling myself.

Since about 10 yrs old {literally "little moishelle"} I would fantasize about my girl neigbors, not doing anything about it, I figured out about M... at about 13, didn't know what I'm doing or if it's wrong, it just felt great, at some point more at around 14 I started to feel that it is wrong so I was getting upset at Judaism and would at time's M... on a sefer r"l, along with doing other bad Aveiro's, which I'm still to ashamed to admit.

At around 19 I was exposed to P... by a friend, and ever since then I'm in the rut, I BH managed to stay clean for about 120 day's, but then I fell again, which was when I decided to sign up to GYE, just by being a lurker I was able to hold strong for exactly 40 days, but then 2 nights ago I fell again {now you know why I'm "really little"}, so I decided to join the community and start posting...

Honestly I dont know if I'm ready for friendships as I see many people here have, because I do think that I have a lot of analyzing of myself to do, why did I get so upset at Yiddishkeit and needed to M... on a sefer r"l, why did I have to do the other bad Aveiro's I did back then, why do I have some fetishes till today that nothing can replace, not even a great bedroom life with my dear wife who I love so dearly, and she loves me so dearly, and yet my fetishes still don't ever get fulfilled making me hungry and keep on falling again???

Is the answer to all theses questions that I'm just simply a rotten disgusting control freak??? I don't know, but I need time to figure myself out and see what the root of problem is, before I can accept any friends, maybe a therapist can help me dig deeply into myself, but I'm penniless haven't paid my rent in quite a while, and I hope to hashem that I dont get evicted, so I just can't afford a therapist now, and also my wife will start to ask questions if she sees that I'm not home during my usual schedules, so I don't know. 

The only reason I decided to post Is for the warmth I see people are giving and getting, and I'd love to get some warmth as well, and be able to come to a place, where I feel comfortable enough to forgive myself for the terrible things I've done, P&M and the other bad Aveiro's.

Thank you for listening and sorry for the rant, I just had to get out of my system...

Welcome Moishe'le!

The answer to your question, my friend, is a resounding "No!" You are not doing/did these things because you are "simply a rotten disgusting control freak." I guarantee it.

You may also be a rotten disgusting control freak I don't know you (yet) and can't sign a haskama on your character. But you're not doing these things because you're "bad."

Trust me. We've all been there. Maybe the flavor of ice cream on our cone was different, maybe more intense, maybe less intense. But we've been there. Driven by desires we don't know how to control, feeling like the worst piece of garbage and a uniquely wicked person who can't control themself, etc. etc. 

It's absolutely unsurprising that a bochur who has taivos he can't understand and can't control would be driven to anger towards Judaism. It's either hate yourself for your "aveiros" or hate the religion that makes you feel so guilty. Usually, we end up doing both.

You're normal. There's a way out. And it's closer than you think.

Two points: 1) For most people, first should come the actions then should come the analyses. You may or may not also need therapy. You definitely don't need therapy to start working on this.
2) I get it that you're too ashamed to pick up the phone and make a friend. Oh boy do I relate to that. But. Pick up the phone anyway and call a mentor. Please. Pick up the phone and call HHM and I promise you that you will not regret it. 

Keep on trucking!

Moish, 

welcome to the club of fighters. No judgement zone over here. Wishing you much hatzlacha in you journey to sobriety. Posting is a great first step! You may or may not need therapy, but GYEs flight to freedom program is a great, and discreet, way to start tackling this issue. Hatzlacha Rabba!

It takes a lot of courage to open up like this, Little Moishelle. The fact that youre sharing your journey shows how much you truly want to change and grow and thats something to be proud of.First off, you're not a rotten disgusting control freak.Youre a human being facing struggles that many others face, often in silence. The feelings of shame and guilt youre experiencing can make it seem like youre alone in this, but youre really not. One of the hardest parts of this journey is learning to separate who you are from what youve done. Your struggles dont define your essence. Youre not bad  youre someone who wants to be better, who wants to understand himself, and who deeply cares about his wife, his Yiddishkeit, and his life. It’s okay not to have all the answers right now. What matters is that youre here, taking the first steps.Youre already reaching out thats huge. Keep posting, keep connecting, and give yourself permission to receive the warmth and compassion this community offers.Forgiveness will come with time both from Hashem and from yourself. Youre not alone, and youre not beyond repair. Keep going, one step at a time.Sending you strength, brother. Have a wonderful Shabbos

Moishelle! there are no words.... i don't know anything that i can say that can really help you.... all i will say is that i truly identify with everything that u are writing... (i'm to embaressed to share all my other aveiros on here......, and where i mb'd.....), at least i found someone else like me.... i feel you and (i think) i understand you..... that hoplesness feeling.... that feeling that my struggle is different.... that noone can really understand me.... or help me.... i know i know, and here's a warm hug!

Just saying that by many of us it is all the same shoiresh and therefor we can still all help each other, i plead with you please do urself a favor and pick up the phone to call one of the greats over here, (they can even help in ways that therapy can't), waddya have to lose? worse case? u'll hang up in middle and u'll have one more enemy nu nu....., hatzlocha raba! wishing you all the best from the bottom of my heart! (and yes i will understand u if u don't call... but please please give it a try...., u never know).

altehmirrer wrote on 09 Mar 2025 03:28:

Thank you all for the warm welcomes, I really appreciate and get the concept of talking to the greats, but my issue isn't that I'm afraid of exposing myself, I think my issue is much deeper, it's more that I'm afraid of facing myself, I'm scared that if I talk to people AND get the help I need, I'll need to face all the stuff I did in the past and all the guilt feelings I've managed to bury for 20+ years.
Which is why I higlighted R' Altemirer's line, I don't think I'll have another enemy, after all the guy on the other side of line is really HELPING me.

What I do feel is that I want to hide from myself and kal vechomer from other people, I just want to run away from myself and my feelings, I'd love to not have to unbury those feelings, or at least maybe I should bury myself along with those feelings. And when I talk about feelings I'm not talking only about kedusha related feelings, I'm talking about many emotional hardships I've went through in my life that may or may not have led to kedusha problems.

Thanks again to y'all

It sounds like you're carrying a heavy burden Facing yourself, your past, and everything you've buried for so long is terrifying. It makes sense that you'd want to run away from it rather than dig it all up. You've survived this long by pushing it down why would you willingly bring it back up?But at the same time, it seems like there is a part of you that knows running forever isn't really an option. Maybe that’s why you’re even talking about it now. Because deep down, you want something more than just escape you want peace. Not the kind that comes from hiding, but the kind that comes from actually working through things.Im not going to pretend that process is easy. Its not. Its scary, and it hurts. But you don't have to do it all at once, and you definitely don't have to do it alone. The fact that you're recognizing this struggle is already a huge step. Maybe the next step isn't facing everything at once, but just acknowledging that you're afraid and that its okay to be afraid.And if part of you feels like you should be buried along with those feelings please, please hear this: You are worth more than your mistakes, your past, and your guilt. Whatever you've been through, whatever you've done, you are still you, and you still deserve kindness, healing, and a future. You are not alone in this.What would it look like if you let yourself take just one small step forward? Not to fix everything, but just to be a little bit more honest with yourself and maybe with someone who can help?

jump wrote on 09 Mar 2025 14:03:

Hey Moishelle, I really relate to so much of your story, I've also went through a lot in my life, and I really know that feeling of wanting to hide from yourself.

I can only second what R' Jump wrote, they're words of wisdom, think deeply into everything he wrote try to internalize everything and hopefully with hashem's help you'll get to a place of acceptance of who you are!!!

With love Akiva

Hi,

There's hope. Been there, done that.

Feel free to PM me, and connection does wonders.....

Welcome!

I am so impressed with you! The strong feelings indicate the strong desire to get clean.

Reb Moishella! If I may say,  the only thing small about you is when you started this (literally).
Everything I am reading from you (without knowing you that well.......yet) indicate you are a Big person with Big potential. Just the courage to post these deep and frank feelings wasBig.

Speak with the greats here and you will see much success be"h.

Hatzlacha!

Welcome r moishelleh!!!      Only wish you the best of luck on this journey stay connected stay in touch, you'll be surprised how many ppl here feel/felt very similar to what you went/going through.    
     Hazlacha and welcome!!!!!!!!

Hi guys I really appreciate all the responses and the warmth & caring.

However as I've stated above my issue ain't guilt feelings from P&M, and yes if you can say "been there done that" so can I, I've also healed so to speak from the P&M guilt feelings and have managed to stay clean for a very long time.

My issue is much much deeper then that, let's just put it this way, from early childhood I've always been bashed and considered a stupid dumb piece of sh..., whenever we had extended family gathering's (which btw happened every second week since my grandfather passed away at a young age, and we all went to be with my grandmother) there was lively conversations at the table and my cousins (same age as me) would put in their "very smart" two cents in the adults convo's, but whenever I opened my stupid dumb sh...y mouth I was immediately shut up by my father, happened very often that I would get upset and run away crying, and my father would tell me that he only does it because he looooooves me and he doesn't want everyone to hear the stupid dumb things I have to say, so seyug lechachma shtika...

Or literally every time I would learn my homework with him he would test the depth of my understanding, and I didn't always know the best, but he would tell me "you see I told you you're fooling yourself into thinking that you know it", or like after I was already married for over a year, I was told that it's not understandable how my wife is ok remaining married to such a disgusting terrible person like me... and there are many more very painfull staements I just don't have the strength to talk or even think about.

It was so bad that I really believed it, for example I've been humiliated and bullied countless times throughout my years in school, like there was this kid that would officially use me as his horse, he would sit on me slap me on my right cheak and I would have to take him to the right, slap me on my left side and I would need to turn left, etc.

But it never registered in my brain that I'm even getting bullied, because I myself really believed that this is just who I am "a stupid dumb piece of sh..." who deserves to be used as a horse, so why should it even bother me.

Now I'm not upset at my father, I really look up at him he's really an extremely chashuva special person, and I don't think that he was lacking in parenting skills, it's just that nature can get in the way of the best of the very best, after all as much as I swore that I'll never let my kids go through what I went through, my nature gets into my way over and over again, (which obviously only adds to my frustration and depression) so how can I blame my father, when I myself fall through over and over again. And no I'm not suffering from Stockholm sydrome. I'm just a realist.

Now these thing's caused me to never feel good with myself, unless I can be on the top, and lead or tell others what to do, and feel accomplished, but the issue is that it doesn't even help me at all, because in reality I am a very accomplished successful person, I'm someone who has people clinging to me for dear life, I have a nice amount of people who say that if not for me they would have long been gone, either to suicide or OTD, I'm a very well respected person in my communty etc. but all this does very little to make me feel good with myself because deep down I know that im just a "stupid dumb piece of sh..." as was confirmed countless of times over and over again by the people closest to me in my life.

So instead of having to face all this inner turmoil, I just opted for my next best option, which as you probably guessed was just M...ing it all out, and burying it all never to be faced with again, and if a bad feeling ever comes up again, well that's easy, just M... it out... {maybe even in a nasty mean way...} So I became more obnoxious which may or may not have caused me to act out in ridiculous ways, ways that are more control freakish etc.

So now if I'm here to stop, I'm in big trouble...

I hope you get me, I just don't have the strength to contiue writing and ranting, as the tears are choking me up, I just can't I can't I can't, sorry.

Wow, I relate and don't at the same time,  I believe in lacking in self esteem but I didn't really hear it from others,  just always felt I needed to do better,  it's really big that you're opening up here and you should have the koach to continue,  I'm still far from where I hope to get...

דאגה בלב איש ישיחנה

it's not easy to reach out but it's very helpful

Moishelle! your story is so so painful, and i really do not identify (bh) with everything.... here's just a warm and caring shoulder, and please i beg of the ribono shel oilam, the av harachamim, that you get the help that you and those around you deserve! (recognizing the issue is part of the solution, so your on the right path!)

With a warm and caring mirrer heart, the altehmirrer!

I hear you. The pain you've carried for so long, the weight of those words and experiences, is overwhelming. It’s not just about what was said or done its about how deeply it shaped your sense of self. When the people who are supposed to nurture and protect you instead instill a belief that you are fundamentally unworthy, it creates a wound that doesn't just go away with time or success. No amount of accomplishments, respect, or external validation can fill that hole because, deep down, theres a part of you that still believes what you were told.I know you say you're not upset at your father, and I respect that. You see the bigger picture you recognize that he wasn’t intentionally trying to harm you, that he had his own limitations. But that doesn't erase the impact. You were just a child, desperately needing affirmation, safety, and love, and instead, you were met with dismissal, shame, and humiliation. That does something to a person.And now, you're stuck in a cycle. You've found ways to survive, to cope, to push it all down but those ways aren't really working anymore, are they? Because the pain is still there, buried but alive. And stopping your usual coping mechanism means having to actually face it, which feels unbearable.But heres the truth: you are not that stupid, dumb piece of sh.. That was never true. It was a lie forced upon you by people who should have built you up instead of tearing you down. And just because you've believed it for so long doesn't make it real.I don't have easy answers for you. But I want you to know that healing is possible. Not through burying, not through controlling, not through forcing yourself to be on top, but through actually meeting that wounded part of you with compassion. Its terrifying to face, I know. But you don't have to do it alone. You don't have to carry this all by yourself.You matter. You always have. Even if you don't fully believe it yet.