BH today is day 110, I feel like recently I’ve been toeing the line a bit i.e. fantasizing, taking second looks at times, and overall not being as vigilant as I should be, sof zman is starting to hit and it’s just adding fuel to the fire of feeling like I’m not putting in my best effort, not really sure how to get back on track I’m at a shtikle loss any advice would be appreciated

ratherstayanonymous wrote on 09 Mar 2025 22:26:

Have you made any GYE connections/friends?
I have found reaching out to my GYE friends to be very powerful.

Maybe also make an incentive for yourself from now until the end of the zman. The catch is that it has to be a real incentive, not just another ___.

Hey all, purim mishulash in eretz hakodesh was wild but now were back at it, first of all thank you Harav proudyungerman for reminding me why I even started posting, to make connections with people gufa to help me pull through in times of weakness and lusting like what I was going through, BH I made the calls and it helped me refocus and analyze what needed chizuk and further improve my strategies to continue the fight.


​Now with the zman coming to a close I’m fearful of the battles to come, the flight back to America, and the hardest fight of all bien hazmanim, b’niogeya the flight there really aren’t any fool proof ways to protect one’s self from all that exists in the airport and on the plane, but following in the footsteps of the many that did it and came out clean, I prepared different things to keep busy on the plane and shiurim to listen to in the airport I’ll also check in with the oilem before and after the flight and set an incentive if/when it ends well and hopefully between all your tefillas and mine it will.

Bein Hazmanim, I don’t think there has ever been a bein hazmanim where I didn’t fall, like I wrote in my first post B”H was always a particularly hard time, during the zman I never had real access to porn and the struggle then was masturbation which obviously is horrible and is something I was able to get clean of till now, but porn is different in an emotional way for some reason masturbating during the zman never really hurt deep it, didn’t make me feel inadequate and hate who I was, of course I realized it waswrong, something that was assur, and something that belittled and defiling the act of creating a bayis between a husband and wife and I always wanted to stop for said reasons and more, but porn B”H just broke me it was all the bad feelings that masturbating wasn’t and it reflected what the true problem was, basicallywhat I’m trying to say is that I was able hide behind masturbating and convince myself that it wasn’t so bad and that it was obviously a struggle but one that was normal as opposed to porn which there’s no hiding from, so when I did fall (every) B”H it crushed me, that’s why I’m scared, I’m scared that after so long of being clean and getting to such a good and healthy place the B”H monster will strike me down again like he did so many times before, and even with all the tools all the GYE friends and accountabilitypartners there’s a mental barrier that’s laughing at me saying I’ll fall.

So what to do…….
I don’t have the device that I fell on so many B”H before, but there still is a device in my house that’s lightly filtered i.e. YouTube, pictures with skin etc. I’ve never really fallen on it before as it’s my parents’ work computer but if I’m desperate I’m sure I can find a way to fall on it inconspicuously, asking myparents to filter it is out of the question and convincing myself that I wont go on it I feel is impossible, and even if I don’t fall to porn on it I still don’t want to waste time on it watching YouTube every day, I have a good schedule B”H I learn plenty and exercise daily but even with that there are plenty of free hours that I’m home alone, I wish there was some easy way to work this out but for now it seems that, all roads lead to hell……

ratherstayanonymous wrote on 18 Mar 2025 14:49:

Shalom Brother,

It's good to be aware of what you'll be facing. The same way you prepared for the traveling and acknowledge the parts you can do and that it can have an overall positive result, you can prepare for B"H too. Try not to think of it as a monster and make it into one. Stick to your healthy schedule. Perhaps give yourself a time window for that family computer if you need to (not suggesting YouTube, just what you feel you'd need for that day to use the computer in a hopefully beneficial way for yourself overall). Perhaps text a chaver for accountability when you log in/out. Do it when you have say Mincha in 15 minutes so you will have a distinct time to stop.

The road is challenging but it can lead to hell or heaven. Reach out to some Brothers that can help you see and walk the higher path. It is there.

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

ratherstayanonymous wrote on 18 Mar 2025 14:49:

With that attitude, they probably will.

No denying it's a challenge. 

But also no denying that that you're not the same person you were in previous bein hazmanim.

Here's one suggestion. $500 knas if you go on that computer. As part of a comprehensive plan to stay busy and productive you'd be surprised at how effective that can be.

Here's the chiddush. You don't have to fall. Instead, you can use the time to grow.

Get on the phone with PY or HHM or whoever you speak to. Work out a plan. Stick to it. And come back to yeshiva on an even higher plane than when you left.

(Not saying what the plan should be, but it'll probably include things like gedarim to totally stay away from dangerous devices, daily accountability, a reward, staying busy and productive, and stuff like that.)

Shkoach everyone for the responses on the forums and PM’s it really got me into solution thinking mode instead of just thinking “all roads lead to somewhere I don’t wanna go”, and I think now after speaking it over with HHM and Minhamayim I’ve got a pretty comprehensive plan of action, after tons of encouragement from everyone I asked my parents to tighten the ship at home on the house computer no more YouTube and the like, besides for that they switched the password to one I don’t know (and hopefully one I can’t figure out) so even if I do need to do something important at least one of them will have to be around when I do it, I’ll also be texting someone for accountability before and after with a tafsic approach if I don’t i.e. burn some cash, and I loved benhashem’s idea of only going online before I have to do something else so as to have a forced time limit, now you might be thinking RSA that sounds a little overboard but I really didn’t want to leave myself any easy mihalichim to fall, lets see how this goes it could be further adjustments will have to be made but at least now I’m walking into somewhat of a safe environment.



Thank you all for the constant encouragement and chizuk it means the world to me.

WOW! Beautiful!

Heading out to the airport now, IYH will report soon safe and sound

Hello Hello from the USA, BH managed to stay safe in the airport, felt a little self-conscious walking around with my down but survived, on the flight I was seated next to (good) bochurim so no problems there, and El-Al’s new privacy screens really work the only screen you can see is the persons in front of you and that much I can hold myself back from, when I got home my mother proudly told me everything was freshly filtered for her “shtark son” if only she knew the whole story lol, however I did find an old phone of Her’s lying around (it never ends!!) poked for a second on YouTube, stopped myself before I was even able to watch an “innocent” video and promptly blocked all its capability’s, so day one of B”H hasn’t been too bad, all your tefillos are working keep on davening that this story has a happy ending.

ratherstayanonymous wrote on 21 Mar 2025 15:50:

WOW!!!

One who comes to purify himself, [Heaven] helps him.

Continued Hatzlacha warrior!

ratherstayanonymous wrote on 21 Mar 2025 15:50:

Bruh. If only she knew the whole story she'd double down. The whole story of a young man standing firm against the most powerfully destructive yetzer hara since the destruction of idolatry. The whole story of a person who is willing to embarrass himself and reach out for help even though it means opening up about the most secret shameful things he's done.
The whole story of a boy who's able to ask his parents to strengthen the filter so a hard nisayon could get a little easier, even though asking for it is harder than walking through fire.

Oh, yes, what would be if she knew the whole story. You mean the story of a man who prepared and went through a flight while guarding his eyes the whole time? Or the man who found an unfiltered device and blocked it before he could be tempted to fall? Oh I see. You mean the story of someone exposed to tremendously attractive things and reacted in normal and appropriate ways, but is trying his hardest to transcend normalcy and become great. You think she'd look down on you for that story?

You know, I think I agree with you. Anyone who knows the whole story knows that you're not the "shtark son." You're the freaking legend.

ratherstayanonymous wrote on 20 Jan 2025 18:20:

So, 6 days into B”H and until today I’ve been doing well with barely any access, and even when I had to go online for genuinely important things texting someone before and after was a good safeguard. Now for today bh no falls but the computer in my house was unlocked (not really sure why, maybe the YH popped into my house for a bit to unlock it) and to start I went on to do something important but I forgot to shoot a text out before (old habits die hard) I thought all would be fine but the YouTube cliff is very steep it’s a little like an ocean it can look all calm and safe from the sand but the minute you wade to deep the rip-currents just drag you even deeper and deeper (2 hours deep if your curious), I still however don’t think it was a fall nothing was bad its just not something I want to do because of what it can lead to And I really don't need all that garbage in my head, I kind of knew there would need to be adjustments as B”H progressed, that’s the key yisoid making adjustments and not just seeing an opening and leaving it, so I set that computer to shut down and in essence lock every morning so that when I’m home alone there’s no way it could stay unlocked, I also really have to enforce the texting before and after with no exceptions, I’m positive that had I sent a text I would’ve been on and off in 2 minutes, sending out that text puts you into fight mode and I really can’t forget it.

It's amazing that you have that perspective. You realize that that you slipped a bit, and immediately thought of ways to make sure that it won't happen again.

ratherstayanonymous wrote on 26 Mar 2025 02:44:

Wow! Truly incredible how you are able to set and keep to your Gedarim! Huge win over there! 
I’m so nervous about Bein Hazmanim. Currently I do not have any YouTube access but when Bein Hazmanim starts I will have multiple avenues. I need to make sure that I close those avenues for myself. I hope I will have the willpower to just lock the computer when it’s left open when no one is around. 
The fact that you have a plan and are truly honest with yourself is truly inspiring and amazing!!!
Keep up the great work!!!