1st of all, @Muttel i hope you get some sleep!!

2nd of all, @cleanmendy your right! i'm still shteiging trying to become a perfect mirrer, but ODAT! iyh soon:wink:

3rd of all, i guess this fall just did something weird to my mind, and i just feel like my old self again... and it reignited my old taivos, so i think that there is a part of me that says that the reason why i'm working on this is because of how far i went, and how much despair i was in, but to do a little bit of acting out is not gonna bother me so much...

So my avoda is to feel a clarity in why i don't want to act out even a little bit, now of course the basic point is that in all probability it will lead down the same road of despair.... and that in it of itself should be enough, but i have to internilize that better, and also i think it would be beneficial to have other motives not to act out even a little as well.., so of course yiddishkeit... connecting with myself and others...., whatever this is my work for now.

Hatzlocha from the mir! the shiur on zohar is about to start..........

altehmirrer wrote on 20 Mar 2025 15:34:

Totally normal (the feelings. Not the mir zohar shuir.)

A fall after a decent amount of clean time is very sucky. And by sucky I mean it sucks you in for more.

There's a couple reasons for that. One is because you re-sensitized yourself with a long clean time so the dopamine hit from the porn and masturbation hits hard. Another reason is because of the loss of the streak/the guardrails keeping you on track. This is called the "what-the-heck affect." There are some great videos on Fortify about these phenomena. 

In short, it's totally normal for a fall after a nice solid clean streak to make you want moooore and then your mind starts popping up all these justifications why should keep on going. This is especially confusing if it's the first time you had a nice clean streak. Hopefully you won't become like me -- old pro at breaking clean streaks and therefore less surprised by the follow up 

The good news is that if you hang in for a few days that initial turbulence subsides and things become a little smoother sailing. 

There's one other point I wanted to make regarding your excellent post, if I haven't lost you in the mirdra zuta yet. Another feeling you shared is also very normal. That feeling of 'I'm working on this is because of how far i went, and how much despair i was in, but to do a little bit of acting out is not gonna bother me so much." Totally normal feeling. 

When SA talks about being powerless, one nekudah of that means there's no such thing as acting out a little bit (for people who may have some propensity towards addiction in this area. Note this is also not the main nekudah of being powerless.) There's simply no such metzuis. Healthy people might be able to do that. They may be able to watch a video, masturbate, and move on with life. But for many of us, it doesn't work like that. Each use breeds more and more usage. The way Dov says it is something like we want to be able to "use" lust. But we simply cannot. We stop being the master and start becoming a slave.

It's important to internalize that, and it is something that I'm also trying to drill in. It only leads to despair. Nowhere else. Oh, in the beginning we might takah be able to control it, take a hit of lust and move on. But that doesn't last. The road of lust only leads to pain. Something to think about during this time. I think you're totally correct to also find something positive to work on to help you stay clean. But it's an important point regardless.

Ahuvi hayakar, as we discussed many times, Most important in fighting the yetzer is Amelius be torah and pilpul Chaveirim. 

see also rav yrucham on parshas ki Sisa where he discusses barichus about fighting yiush lachar hachate. 
and rav chaims maamar on ki nafalti Kamti

It’s normal to feel down, but don’t despair.

I’ve also had yeridos, but that’s the Seder of life.  

chazak vematz. Shmiras habris is the shlissel for all the brachos. Now is the zman hatikun by baking matzos etc. 

Shem has made many great points, as usual. 

One thing I’d add, Tahara isn’t merely an absence of TUMAH, it’s a positive state. Defense is a limited motivator. You don’t just want to avoid Schmitz becuase it’s terrible, because of how badly you’ll feel, how sick, etc. But you because feel different and better when you’re clean. As time progresses and you relate to people differently, to situations differently. You start feeling that you’re becoming someone you want to live with, to love to get to know better…. 
Here’s a warm hand, 
אוהב ימים לראות טוב 

The oilam hear in shAnchai is missing you. We want to again shmuz with you about the ktzos nsivos rav chaim and r Baruch better. But you are not around to enlighten us with your insights. Please be mechazek and join us. You can only fight p and mb as part of a Chabura. 

Hello everyone! and thank you all for your chizzuk! bh doing pretty good in the mir......, {especially with the new haggadah out from the mashgiach, better then last years!}

I had a very powerful meeting with someone from here a few nights ago, (i don't know why but i don't like sharing names, even though it's not private, it just feels like it would take away from my connection with them...., you know who you are good and well:wink:), so i met him in my car for an hour, and it was simply nuclear, there is no way to describe it, words can't do justice, to hear from someone who's been there and done it all.........., and with all seriousness he tells me how easy it is to change..... how all we have to do is stay laser focused on our mission in life, our mission of connecting to the ribono shel oilam, bec. that is our tafkid and the biggest pleasure out there, and we are all heading to the yom shekuloi oruch, so we wanna from now on stay laser focused on our goal, and realize that in my life there is nothing and noone else other then myself and hashem, we are all our own oilam, and everything and everyone around us are just props in our life to be used to help us further our goal.

There is no way for me to really explain everything here... but it was powerful! and coming from the depths of his heart, i felt and saw how real this was by him, dvorim hoyoitzim min haleiv...., i know it's not your typical jolly chizzuk shmuz, but bh not only did it not depress me, but it actually energized me, made me feel like a man with a mission! so dear friend i owe you a huge debt of gratitude!

When i told him that i never took life seriously and fully honestly all these years, so how can i just change like that? he suggested that all i do for now is wake up and say modeh ani out loud, and think to myself thank you hashem for giving me back my neshama so that i can do what's right today and connect with you, so i did that for the past 2 days and bh i found myself a few times over the day thinking to myself hey @altehmirrer is this helping you reach your tafkid and connect to hashem? bec. the whole day as long as we are doing what we should be doing then we are connecting to him, so yes i can still use alot of improvement in my tefilla.... but as long as i am striving..... hashem your soldier is standing at attention!

So thank you again everyone for all your chizzuk and inspiration, hatzlocha to us all!
with a heart full of yearning,
@altehmirrer

Golden post, your a major chizuk. The getting back up is amazing!!

KAMT, Keep Alteh Mirrer Trucking

altehmirrer wrote on 27 Mar 2025 03:34:

For any mirrers, new or alteh who are wondering...the answer is, no, it was not this Youknowwho he's talking about, for although it surely would've been nuclear too, I don't think it's that kind of nuclear this alteh mirrer is refferin' to. 

Sholom chevra!! bh doing good, i know that i'm not posting as much these days, ever heard of a altehmirrer with nothing to say???? we gotta check my yichus!!!!!!!!!! (haggadah update, in my opinion last years is actually better, i was quick to like this years bec. it came from the family, but limoysah i opened it up for a few minutes..... vihomeivin yovin)

wishing us all a lichtegih shabbos hachodosh!
@the altehmirrer

altehmirrer wrote on 27 Mar 2025 03:34:

You gave it away who it was

eerie wrote on 28 Mar 2025 17:25:

LOL sorry! hope you give me another chance,  שבע יפול צדיק ...!!!

Hi chevra! bh i'm doing great! so starting off my day with a focus on doing what's right is amazing!! I find that it literally changes my whole day, I constantly am reminded that i have a purpose! a tafkid of doing what's right for my neshama, and to connect to hashem in every current moment, it feels so so good to live with a purpose, to feel the purpose, and to know deep down that it is the only true and worthy purpose, there are even quite a few examples of how this panned out.

1) my wife got upset at me about something..... and in the past whenever such a thing would happen i would turn it back on her, even though bh she is a healthy great person, and i know/knew that i was the source of the issue, still i couldn't take it when she would show me even the slightest disapproval, it would just be unbearable for me, and i would just end up making her feel guilty for ever opening up her mouth, which didn't leave any of us feeling good, but now i woke up in the morning and said to myself (after the loud modeh ani!) that i'm still ok and i still have a life... i don't have to let this knock me off my feet, i'm working on myself and doing what's right, and still have alot to feel good about... i davened, came home went over to her and told her that i would like to speak to her in private whenever she has a few minutes, she came in cold..., but i just opened up a honest conversation, and accepted that there's what i can do to make it better...., and i didn't turn anything on her, and yes it was coming from a deep honest place, so she felt it, ended up talking for a hour, I feel that this was only possible because i had my own inner feeling of that i'm doing what's right, which made me feel calm with myself...

2) I have a child that hits me on the wrong nerve most of the day, i go crazy..., and i end up reacting in ways that are not to anyones benefit...., in the past few days i found that whenever they were behaving like that... although i had the same feeling bursting inside of me for 3 seconds, after that i was actually able to calm myself, and say to myself that there is nothing in my power right now that i can do to help the situation, so i just tuned out, and it stopped bothering me, (side benefit everyone walks away feeling good....), again i think this is only possible because i am intuned with myself, and i am ok and comfortable with who i am, since i know that i am doing my right thing!

3) While i still have a way to go, but i actually found myself (mistakingly lol!) having some real kavvanah by davening, because i am at peace with myself just with the mere fact that i know that right now i am doing what hashem wants.

I can go on and on but i think that i got the point out as clear as i can (forum style...)

Hatzlocha to us all from the mir!

The sign of growth is the clarity you have in your day to day. Working on being at peace with yourself is major!
I have no words, such growth is amazing!!! Keep on inspiring us.

Ah gutten moied! bh i'm doing ok, just thought i'd stop by and say hello, bh yom tov was very nice, had some real positive family time as well, still not perfect but light years away from what it used to be!! gonna iyh focus on having a positive chol homoied with my family, to be present.........., wishing us all continued growth!!!

Just wanna share a powerful thought i had during hallel, one of many issues is/was that i viewed myself that i am a durch uhn durch רע like that was my מציאות and מהות in the לב....., because that was the only way i was able to make sense of myself.....,

Either way we say in hallel יברך את בית ישראל, יברך את בית אהרן, יברך יראי השם הקטנים עם הגדולים, now i think that we can safely assume that we are going up and up in דרגות just like by הודו...., and there is a פירוט here הקטנים עם הגדולים, that means to say that as long as you have יראת שמים it doesn't matter if it's alot or a little!!!!!! it's all the same!!!!! הקטנים עם הגדולים, so as long as i can confidently say that i have some יראת שמים, while yes hopefully it will continue to grow, but i am already on the highest דרגה (atleast when it comes to praising hashem) to me the lesson is huge, hatzlocha to us all!