Hey
Im a regular baalabatish FFB guy and the more shocking is my story. Of course I always had a string yetzer hora and I always lived on the edge. While doing well in yeshiva high-school, being  a good bucher in yeshiva etc I always had "a dark side" - went to party, tried to get to girls etc. Long story short; got married, had kids, successful in business, buying houses, doing well socially and from the outside all is awesome.
I always had some kedusha problems, occasionally z"l, with or without porn but no addiction.
Then, randomly, I met a girl. Torally innocent, she lived nect to my office, we had a smoke and we exchanged numbers, had friendly talks, she came to watch a movie in my office and we developed a super long affair of about 8 years. We were on and off, she moved to another place, she had another relationship etc. My wife mever found out. We traveled together all the time and we had a crazy emotional and sexual bond. Sexually more than i ever had with my wife. If course there were so many phases i blamed myself, felt so guilty, looked for help, broke off. And it started over. And so many more times.
of course this led to crazy lust when i didnt have tthate"outlet".
whenever i struggle in business i figure that hashem punishes me for that. And I managed to throw her out BH.
With all the stress I very iften only fall asleep masturbating. I manage without too, but its always a struggle.
Im always onbthe edge, like to look for girls but dint really do anything. I started kpilel boker 2 years ago which changes my routine and helps.
Still GYE will help me, it alreay6helps that you're listening. And i will IYH report on my successes.

Hay shalom, here a warm hand and hug.
I'm new here, but i know you came to right place here you will get what you need 
Its an amazing community here you will find out 
wait for the welcomes you will get

Keep posting
Stay strong
Best regards puppy

Wow what a story!

It's very brave of you to put it out there for us to see, but I can tell you, you won't regret it.

Do yourself another favor and reach out to michelgelner@gmail.com. He is someone who struggled with kedusha matters and has been clean for years. He will help you with a plan moving forward and his amazing accountability program.

Keep us posted.

Hatzlacha Raba!

So glad you are here now. Iyh you will put the past behind you and soar to great heights while saying no to the yetzer hara.

Best wishes
Vehkam

Welcome
I can definitely not speak above the great people who already responded.
I would just say how impressive it is that you came forward to reveal this for the sole purpose of drawing close to Hashem.
That for sure has to bring nachas to him!

Reach out to the tzadikim here, particularly HHM with the email address stated above. This is the best place to be!
You will be"h be very successful!

vehkam wrote on 04 Dec 2024 00:03:

@freekoala73
reach out to VEHKAM its a life savior!


cande'

Hey, You should be so proud of yourself for posting this it takes real courage!!.  You are definitely in the right place, we are all here to help each other without judgement.  

cande wrote on 04 Dec 2024 04:33:

I cannot stress this enough! He will understand where you are coming from. 
(If you don't believe me, read his story here. It is unreal. Then reach out to him.)

I also want to welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!
There are many tools here to help you in this fight.
There is the F2F Program, the Vaad Program, the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframing the struggle.
(Captain, I got the link! It's right here!)

There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors, as has been mentioned, that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com.
Some of the other great guys here are Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com, and iwannalivereal iwannalivereal@gmail.com Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com. 

Looking forward to seeing great things from you!
And don't forget, as always, KOMT!!

Adding to the chorus of brothers posting here, welcome!!!

Your experience is one shared by others who have broken free...

Vehkam is definitely a huge asset considering the similarities in stories.

Hashem Help Me has helped hundreds, me included.

Here's wishing you mush success.

Muttel

I wanted to thank you all for your posts. It's extremely helpful and encouraging, so many people who understand me, wow!!!

And I read through some intetesting posts on the forum and learned more about myself:

My affair clearly distanced me emotionally from my wife and kids. In the back of my kind there was always the hundreds "what if she finds out" ... I was so crazy. I one picked her up at the airport while there was a frum girl there picking up her mom for her brothers/son engahement. Chussen stayed in my house... i once picked her up in a super jewish street near my shul.. and the list goes on... there was a lot of on and offs. Whenever I ended it it was just because I knew it wasn't right. But it was only when I decided that I really need a change that I automatically connected with my wife. Less arguing, less blaming, more and better sex etc.

Also, the tremendous amount of having to hide, being over analytical drained me emotionally so much and made me go crazy. At times I looked into the mirror and didn't know who I was. Leading a real double life.

What I still struggle with:

1. once the relationship ended and up until today I go on and off dating apps. I don't really meet anyone in real life but I just love the game, the feeling. I could get a girl to date or meet and the chance is that this itself is satisfactory for me and I won't bother go see her and just block her. but it often led to M. So I am trying... thing is dating apps are not all - there are some ladies out there that I know and they sometimes contact me...

2. I still keep on thinking of the ex quite a lot, maybe even once/twice daily, small things that remind me of her etc and still I didnt block her, didn't delete her contact etc. I guess it's a process?

Jewish Questions

Hashem has unique ways... that affair aactually was from a eastern European coubtry and it turned out that her mom was Jewish. I spoke a lot about yiddishkeit, I showed her rabbi yoel golds Tisha beav movies and we were both tearing up. After a wild night in a good hotel with her I would daven and put on Tfilin the next morning (she even encouraged me to do that). She even took chabad lessons about yiddishkeit and loved it. I took her to Israel (another crazy risk!!!!!) Only when it seemed like my business is failing I started talking to Hashem more and more and blamed myself - that was when I took the decision to break it off with her. Only to restart a few weeks later... but then it ended when she started ignoring me totally from one moment to the other and I understood it was finished. When she contacted me 2 months later I was super cold to her and didn't fall for her again BH.

"why did Hashem send her to me?" - this was a question I asked myself all the time. I really painted a picture that something bad might happen to my wife and I'll remarry with her!

As she's halachically Jewish, and as this was definitely ביאה, would I be required to give a get lechumre?

I have so many Questions and want to be able to forget and heal, heal emotionally so I can be 100% with my family.

May Hashem bless you all, airport really feel so connected on here already.

And I could write forever, a whole book! Sp maybe more will follow...

freekoala73 wrote on 04 Dec 2024 22:28:

We should meet…

My understanding is that you would not require a get lchumra. Totally not a rabbi though. Totally not relevant, but I once saw a lawsuit filed by a (frum) woman to try to force a (frum) man who seduced her to give her a get. Didn't get anywhere and I think she got sued for libel. Life is weird. (You also are not supposed to be mkarev people by having an affair with them. I suspect that whole line of thought is straight up bs from the yh. She was a test you didn't pass perfectly, and no more.) 

The lying is so painful. While I never engaged in the exact same flavor of lust as you did, the lying and hiding and creating a whole secret double life resonates strongly. Obsessively checking, did I delete the history the text the evidence the other life.

The freedom of not having to do that anymore is such a relief. 

Keep on trekking and you'll get there. Hatzlacha!

Thanks!!!!

I'll be in touch!

I am no Rav so I won't even attempt to pasken.
I just want to second the idea of meeting Vehkam.
His story is very similar to yours and he is now one of the biggest Tzadikim you will ever meet!
I am so inspired every time I speak with him.