Hello, my name is brokensoul. Some of you may know me from the old SSA forum. To skip to the end, I'm a hard addict of p and m, for 9 years now, I am terrified of what my life will become. All my attempts seem to not work, even SA meetings didn't work for me because it requires being social, which is my weakness (I'm an introvert). I don't want this anymore. I've chased this for so many years and I got nowhere. I'm not sure what it is, I feel like there's more to it than just being addicted. Something deep... I was in therapy for a year but now I'm in EY so I had to leave my therapist. I discovered some terrible things about myself and BH it helped but I'm still a crippling addict. I'm drowning and barely hanging on a thread, in terms of my sanity and yiddishkeit. It's hard to enjoy being a Yid when you are constantly breaking the bris between you and Hashem. How can I daven? How can I ask Hashem for anything when I'm constantly doing one of the worst aveiros one can do? How can I learn? In the moring flying through sugyas in Baba Kama and at night a crazy zombified pervert? Now I happen to daven and learn anyway but I lost the love and enthusiasm that I used to have. Been crushed so many times I'm just like... dead. It's kinda like routine, but no emotion. I don't believe Hashem even accepts my tefilos, but I do it anyway because I happen to be very stubborn and refuse to drop it all despite my feelings.
Would love to hear from the chevra any feedback.
- With love, brokensoul.

Wow, the pain spilling forth from your post evokes emotion from me reading it....

Borther, GYE is about hope to break free.

To starting living the life you want to lead..

Stick around, learn the ropes, and connect with the olam here. Specifically, please reach out to Hashem Help Me (michelgelner@gmail.com), he's helped hundreds, me included.

Muttel

brokensoul wrote on 28 Nov 2024 19:58:

I feel your pain, it is substantial. But the more you p&m the more unhappy you become. It’s an addiction. Did you ever try going cold turkey? It my be hard at first but it will break your addiction. Having ssa can be challenging, like you said there’s. Ssa thread that you can read up on. I have connected to others with ssa  and it has helped. You can get chizuk from others experiencing the same tavis and frustration. But p&m will not make you happier. The less p&m the  happier you’ll be. Proof is in the pudding with how unhappy you are with all the p&m instead of making you happy it makes you miserable. did you try befriending someone you were attracted to? That might give ykou a sipuk. Also If you have a chaver to discuss this with would be better than a therapist. 

Hi! Accountability is what worked best for me, I highly recommend calling HHM : michelgelner@gmail.com

wishing you much hatzlocha … you can break free

Oh my brother!

Your user name is what I feel like reading your post. You are not alone. We are all in this together even if our struggles differ from each other.
The fact that you were willing to post this, shows that your yiddesha neshama is alive and kicking! As long as that is going there is always hope. There are so many people here who reached places they never dared to even dream of by reaching out to the Tzadikim here. 
I will only add my voice to the chorus of those before me who said reach out to HHM. He is amazing  and so non judgmental about it!

My heart is with you and rooting for you all the way!
You can do it!!

A low impact way to connect to other people is the vaad (trust me, it's helpful).

One of the exceedingly  rare speeches I heard about the sugya in yeshiva involved my rebbi talking about a bochur who was broken about this aveira. So together they called up one of the gedolim, who told the bochur that he's an ones gamur, and that he personally will take any gehehim the bochur gets from this. And that is what allowed the bocher to have the space he needed to work through this.

The point being. You are fully entitled to ask hashem for anything. Hashem likes you no matter how zombified you become. This depression may be medical or psychological. But the connection between p&m and your avodas Hashem is nothing but a ploy of the YH.

Believing Hashem rejected you for this one (little) aveirah is kinda egotistical. You're effectively saying "my sin is too great for Hashem to carry". Not only is Hashem capable of carrying that sin, you're not a particularly big sinner. Please look at the recent psak posted by Jolly from R' Elya Brudny. Contemplate it. Let it sink into your bones. 

You can live a life close to Hashem.

You can also stop acting out. You've been around for awhile and it sounds like you've tried many tools. And your situation sounds more complex than some others. But with some chochma, a lot of siyatta dishmaya, and hard work, you too can break free. Maybe give HHM a call to brainstorm a plan?

Here’s a warm hand, friend. 

One of the critical steps in getting free is to manage to break out of the terrible, dark dungeon of awful shame so many of us inhabit, in lonesome despair. It’s easier talked about than done. But here’s a suggestion- call up some people, have a few conversations… you’ll see,  it makes a big difference… 
(if it seems too daunting, try joining a Vaad..) 

​I’ll PM you, friend. 

There’s hope of a better life.
So many others thought that they couldn’t do it… 
Until they did. 

There Is Hope, 
Chaimoigen

How's it going R' brokensoul?