I just had a small thought that frankly is very obvious and I should have picked up earlier.
I keep feeling a lot of pressure still from this huge nisoyon. I am sure that if I was exposed to an unfiltered device I would be In  the abyss in less the 10 seconds. I am absoutly petrified!
But inspired by yesterdays V'yimoen video and the other worldly victory that soulwork posted, that he was exposed and overcame ( I am still amazed!), something hit me:
Chazal tell us in many places that HKBH does not give a nisoyon that we are not equipped with the ability to overcome.
So it comes out like this: If I am correct that I cannot overcome the nisoyon of being exposed to an unfiltered device then I will never be put into such a situation. (Obviously I can not bring it on myself, as Harav Yisroel S'lanter said we can give ourselves a nisoyon that we are not equipped to overcome.) But if I do my best to stay away from these devices and I still find myself somewhere exposed to it, that means it is HKBH that is testing me. And if he is testing me, the I clearly have a lot more ability then I think I do because I can obviously pass it. If not , he would not give it to me in the first place. (Worth repeating that I still can not be haphazard about it but try my best to stay away from the nisoyon.)

If this is the case, there is not any place for panic. Because I will for sure only face a nisoyon if I am capable of overcoming. If I am  not, I won't face it. And if I do , then I am clearly stronger then I think I am. I have to go with the mindset of ":I can beat this!". I would not have it in the first place if I couldn't!  It is probably obvious to many, but it hit me like a ton of bricks! I can do this!
Chevra, We can do this!
Thank you soulwork for inspiring me with this thought!

jollylemur95 wrote on 03 Jan 2025 15:14:

I hate to be that guy. And this is a great inspirational thought. But you missed an option. It's possible that Hashem will put you in that situation and you can't pass. That means it's not a nisayon. It doesn't mean you won't do the aveira. 

chosemyshem wrote on 03 Jan 2025 19:20:

I hear you.
In truth, we are not privy to what HKB"H wants exactly from us in any given circumstance.
But I think we can all agree that our attitude has to be when we are faced with a nisoyon, is that he wants us to pass and gave us the ability to do so.

The only thing we are really privy to is the golden work that we are witnessing our fellow GYE brothers putting in!! Keep up the GREAT WORK Jolly!!! You're my hero

jollylemur95 wrote on 03 Jan 2025 15:14:

Very well said! Especially your line "If this is the case, there is not any place for panic". 

I am very shaken up. I am embarrassed to expose what happened but where else can I relieve my self if not here with the best friends I can ever hope for. But I hope I can make amends with my thought afterwards that maybe someone will like.

I have been going through a very hard period in my life for the past few weeks. This is on top of my difficulties keeping away from these unwanted activities. It all came to a head on Friday. I was feeling very aroused in general and I was driving diff places. I was exposed to 3 or 4 women who triggered me. I literally ripped my eyes away before I can get a  second look. I was feeling even more vulnerable after that. I then saw a non-jew looking at his phone. I am ashamed to say but As I saw him I had a fleeting thought of "he is so lucky. He can look at whatever he wants. I wish I was "someone who can look at whatever he wants". This thought went for around 2 seconds. I was shaken to the core! Did I really just wish I was a goy?! Look how far I have fallen!  I started making a cheshbon Hanefesh and realized I have to work on my ahavas Hashem.

There are various different approaches from the Rishonem and Achronim on how to come to Ahavas Hashem. I started thinking about the discussion on Ahava in general that is discussed at length by Rav Dessler and Rav Wolba  Zichronom  T"L. They discussed how the way to come to love someone is through giving them. (The word Ahava, love, comes from the word Hav, to give.) This got me to really start thinking. For those of us who have received new chossen shmooze from HHM on what the proper mindset is supposed to be in the bedroom know a major component of it is that a man (as opposed to a women) have a deep desire to be givers. To be there when someone needs us. It  is something that we can probably all relate on a certain level. I started thinking why don't I do that for hashem? There has been a lot of focus (and rightfully so) on what I gain from becoming clean. Even the classic book (highly recommended) TBOTG puts a lot of emphasis on how we are gaining so much more then what we are giving up by refraining from these illicit actions.  I was thinking the other way. Let em give to hashem my desires to act out or look at inappropriate material. It would be my present to HKBH! Now Shem recently correctly pointed in a great post (I wish I knew how to attach the link to that post) that HKBH needs nothing. He has everything But there is something I can give him that he desires (not needs) that no one else can give him. The nachas ruach of me restraining myself  because that is what he wants! (admittedly , he wants for my good not his) Every nisoyon is different then the one before so even if I passed a diff nisoyon he never had the nachas ruach of me PASSING THIS PARTICULAR NISOYON. How great that feels that I can give something to the master of the world that he never had before!  Me passing the given nisoyon. It is not just me. Every person has their own nisoyon. Even if 2 people face what appears to be the exact same nisoyon, it is not. There are many variables that only HKBH can discern that makes everyone's nisoyon unique. Which makes that the nachas ruach everyone gives hashem when they are Oimed B'nissoyon special and unique. This thought gave me excitement. I can do something for him that Moshe rabainu couldn't do! Me, small little jolly passing a nisoyon. With that I am giving him something that he never had before. Again, he does not need it . He desires it for our sake. But he still desires it! And only I/we can give it to him! This will give an incredible amount of joy! This will also hopefully increase my ahavas hashem so I will never ever have such a terrible thought. At the same time it gives motivation to keep up the fight.

I actually tried this outlook today when I came across a trigger and it turned the whole experience into one of giving because I want to give not a backbreaking or more accurately an urge breaking labor.
For sure, this will not take away the nisoyon and will not work every time but it is another tool in the arsonal to fight. Turning it into a labor of love.

Sorry for such a long post. I am embarrassed by what transpired but I hope I can gain from it.

Just as מחשבות זנות are עולות על הלב on their own, and our mission is not to be תר after them so too אחרי לבבכם זו מינות are natural thoughts and our job is only not be be תר. As long as we have not been מקיים והשבות על לבבך to it's fullest, and who can say that he has, it is normal for such מחשבות to occur. And just as you don't need to beat yourself up for thoughts of זנות, you just do your best not to stray after them, and sometimes maybe you lose yourself for a bit, but you fight and win some lose some, so too with מחשבות like these. Two seconds of being נמשך after normal thoughts that were generated by לא עבדו ישראל ע"ז אלא להתיר עריות בפרהסיא is really understandable.

Realizing this has personally helped me with עבודת האמונה. Getting down about these types of thoughts causes one to get more involved in them, very similar to the types of thoughts we more frequently discuss on GYE. They're really very similar, like is clear from how they're put together in the pasuk אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם.

Not to discourage you c'v from looking for new ways to motivate yourself and come to אהבת ה. But you don't have to beat yourself up!

Beautiful post; we sometimes have such minor slips which are given to us for our sake, and as I've come to learn they actually may be very helpful in teaching us new strategies, and perspectives in how to knock out this beast.

Thanks for sharing, working on our Ahavas Hashem is definitely an awesome strategy, the only thing I might edit, is that it's not you who should be ashamed, the YH has his way of fighting back and dragging us down making us feel ashamed, when in reality I think he should be ashamed of us GYE'ers, who are totally disregarding him, and beating the living daylights out of him.

KOMT!!! With love Akiva

I never stop being inspired by the greatness and Sheifos of the Baalei Nefesh and Bnei Aliya in this special place!

I had a new understanding of an objective that HHM speaks about and I know many people follow. (or maybe it is old and it just went over my head until now)
DE objectifying the person as a s** toy but view her/him as a human being.
I was driving today and I stopped to let a woman cross the street. I saw her and in that quick first glance noticed that she is very attractive. I turnred away. As I did I noticed that she was pushing a child in a wheelchair r"l. I started thinking to myself: You are so SELFISH! She has a child who is disabled and all I can think about is how she looks?!! How about care enough to have her child in mind when I daven!  Or at least give a krechs that another yid has a difficult peckle! That hurt because with all my flaws , I never thought of myself as selfish)  At that moment, I did not view her as a toy at all but as another yid (and human being) who has a life with challenges just like the rest of mankind. My heart went out to her and I saw her and did not focus on what she looked like at all. 
A learning experience for sure that maybe I can try to put into practice more often. When I view someone as just a toy for my viewing enjoyment, I am being selfish!  That is a title I definitely do not want to have. I have to view the person as someone who has challenged like the rest of us even if I am not aware of them. I should feel for them rather then feeling on them!
Just hit me but maybe everyone understood that already. I guess better late then never.

You are a well source of chizzuk my friend. 
Learning all these new things and growing is why we are all here. 
May your journey continue as you soar into the clouds 
Hatzlacha 

90 days.
it has been more then 90 days since the last time I masterbated or watched porn.
Since 90 days is considered a benchmark of sorts on GYE I will post on it.
However I will try to avoid any euphoric hyperbole but rather an honest and measured recording of what I feel, have learned and an overall reckoning of where I am.

First let me state the obvious: I have refrained from these activities for more then 90 days. In my "expert" estimation that is a nes nigla about equal to Krias Yam Suf. Mamad Har Sinay, and the nes Pach shemen all combined. Something that  I could not fathom can happen even when I was holding on day 85. (actually, especially at day 85 since I have had my hardest stretch in the last few weeks). Thanking HKBH is obvious and is something that really is done in my heart between me and him. As my rebbe told me years ago. you want to thank hashem? The easy way is to make a kiddush in shul and make a grand announcement. The best way is to take on another seder, work on fixing a bad middah etc.that no one will necessarily find out about. I have to thank my GTE friends who have carried me through until now. Please do not stop!!

My bedroom life is a different experience. It has turned from a selfish action to an avoda of giving that I can only hope brings hkbh nachas. It definitely makes my wife happy. As she has told me: I do not know who you are speaking with but whoever it is, he is telling you good stuff" The act takes more the double the amount of time that it used to.

If I had 1 word to describe the past 90 days it would be  'REVEALING'
It has revealed a lot about myself.
 I am not the biggest rasha since acher (not even the second biggest)
The unconditional love HKBH has for me despite being as filthy  as sin. He still values me.
How truly stubborn I am. This can be used in a good and bad way. I must choose wisely.
That the greatest heros of Klal Yisroel are the unsung people (maybe guardian angels) who go around with fake usernames working to help themselves and others beat this terrible YH. You guys are the best! I am not privy to what Hashem thinks but if I had to guess, GYE is one space where he gets some of the most immense nachas.

But Alas, not all is well.
I have also learned some not such complimentary things about myself.
How deeply entrenched this avera is in my very being. It will take a tremendous amount of time and effort to uproot it.
I am very selfish. (see a previous post of mine how every person can be viewed as an object for my enjoyment, or a person to care for) My first reaction when I see someone ( a woman in particular) is how can I get enjoyment from him/her. As the kutzker would say:  "a nutzer"
I am still very lustful. For example, while I mentioned how the bedroom has become an elevated experience it is different in other ways as well. Without getting into details ( I think I will b"n open a thread on the Balla Batims forum that I can state more details, I want to hear what the oilam has to say on this) The act is physically less enjoyable then before. Suffice to say that there is a milchama  going on between the giving side of me that wants to give her all she desires and the lustful part of me that just wants to do "my thing". (hamevan Yavin). Though in action, I am giving to her, my heart is fighting to keep it about her and not become  self focused. The result of that is internal turmoil that is very stressful.
In short a lot of work still to be done.

Just a few other observations:
I have learned may new skills to help in this battle. But I am noticing that sometimes it is not enough. When the urge is extremely strong all reasons and methods do not appeal to me. The reason is because While I know all these in my head, getting to feel it and keep it is not here yet. (the vihashevosa el levovecha). So how to deal with it I think for me is only one thing. White Knuckling.. And it is true that it might not be so pleasant, I think that sometimes I just have to say: " yes, I desperately want to act out . Yes, I desperately want to watch porn, but what can I do? The master of the world said no." (See the rambam in Shemona Perakim who speaks about  more). I thing even yosef hatzadik to some extent white knuckled it. He was obviously far greater the I will ever be and yet we find in chazal that he was supposed to have 12 shevatim but he did not because of the tremendous difficulty holding back and losing zera from it. So I am coming to the realization that while for some people it may get easier over time, I do not think that happens for everyone. In fact, the last few weeks have been harder for me then right when I started this trip to 90. I have been only been able to hold on with the great support of the chevra here and a lot of white knuckling.
The problem is that white Knuckling is very hard and may not be sustainable in the long run. But I had a though that I think can help me and maybe some others that may feel like me. We find that Yosef Hatazadik was going to do "his needs " which Rashi says means he was ready to succumb to the nisoyin.  We all know what happened next " raah demus dyoiknoi shel Aviv" He saw his fathers vision and he held back. But we find in the gemara  in sota that it was more then that. Yakov Avinu started talking to him saying all the shevatim will be on the choshen and if you sucimb you won't etc. It was not merely a remembrance of His father, It was almost a nevua! So the mefarshim ask what was the great nisiyon here if Yakov Avinu sees what you are doing? Granted it is still a nsoyon but not nearly the same level. (See drashas Haran that asks a similar question on Akedas Yitchok). So some of the mifarshim say it was not a real vision , just  something that Yosef imagined to help him in the fight.
But I was thinking something else. It could be it was a real nevua. YaKOV Avinu saw what was going on But the greatest nisoyon was not what happened then  but all the time until then. Chazal tell us that she tried constantly to get him just to look at her even without sleeping with her. She tried many diff tactics that are brought in the gemara and more in depth in the medrash (Tanchuma in particular) And Yosef stood strong! He wanted to to do it but he white knuckled because Hashem said no! (as mentioned earlier). Finally he lost the strength . it was too hard! He was about to succumb. Then HKBH steps in. You tried your best for so long. You did not look even once under the most pressing circumstances. You pushed against massive urges and stood strong. You gave every last bit for the fight. And now you can't anymore. You do your best I will send you a nevua from your father to help you! 
If this is correct, then I think this can help me. If I try my best, white knuckle and all because he does not allow me even when I fall out and can not go on Hashem says "You tried your best, now I will send you help to withstand even when you are about to soccomb".

In closing. There is a lot more work for me to do to make internal change. I need my friends here to support me but if I do my best then Hashem will send me the help I need when I can not go on.

I would love to hear any feed back. Mussar, chizuk,criticism,encouragement . 
Thank you for reading and I hope I can continue staying away from these activities.

P.S. I think I might post more often b"n for the next while until I get out of this really tough patch. The accountability is very helpful
Thank you for your support!!

Jolly it's an honor to know such an chashuve fighter. Your grit and determination continuously inspire me. May you continue to go from strength to strength!

jollylemur95 wrote on 20 Jan 2025 18:37:

A beautiful update, Reb Jolly! Congrats on 90 days! 

If you don't mind me zeroing in on the part above, especially the bolded part. 

I see this again and again. Namely, a valiant, noble effort by many who are recently clean to try and strip their own experience of pleasure from their sex life. I personally think this leads to a lot of inner angst, and is completely unnecessary. 

Making sure your wife is happy and consenting? Absolutely crucial. Love? Connection? Of course!

But if there is turmoil in your mind, your "heart is fighting" to focus on her...perhaps, and again, I do not know you personally, but perhaps you are biting off more than you can chew? You write that this is "very stressful". Why not celebrate your wins, your newfound cleanliness, and enjoy the wife Hashem gave you? As eerie recently pointed out in his new thread, it is okay to enjoy it! No need to feel guilty about it. You and your wife should both have a happy, pleasurable and passionate bedroom life. 

Absolutely!
We are supposed to enjoy it! I agree 10000%! I do not feel guilty about that at all.
I left it vague for obvious reasons.
I can explain more of what I mean on a different platform.
Or PM me and I can explain more