I am an amazing rabbi. I am considered by all of my students to be THE BEST RABBI. and the reason behind it is because I'm really interesting and exciting. and I show real care and understanding to every child. b"h since my teenage years I don't struggle with hoitzuas zera levatule. what I do struggle is with fomo and a bit of porn. b"h not too much since I don't have access to computers that  are unfiltered. so what IS my problem. I have low self esteem and I give all to my students but it is NOT from a healthy place. its from a place of not being able to say the word NO. so I become every few days DOWN and then I will daven just to be over and guess what? I never enjoy my life because I over think or I WORRY ALWAYS for the future. if I have some errands or  I woke up late - that is very often- I just daven 123 AND IT IS SO NOT ME I am a very emotional person by nature that is never happy and wants clarity in life and wants to grow constantly.  I don't remember my learning although I know every politician and all of history by heart. because I never get the point BECAUSE I AM NEVER FOCUSED. and one special problem that gets me into the dirt is - that I TAKE EVERYTHING TO HEART. so when someone will tell me some comment on my family community shul klal yisroel I become SO DOWN. and this is the pattern that makes me check out every famous women's life and image and from time to time to call up all sorts of hot lines. And turn to dirt.  I would love to hear back from amazing people on this holy website.

Welcome!
Oy, that sounds very stressful. I'm sorry that life is taking you for a ride.

Have you analyzed your life's priorities and habits? There is an exercise that might help. You list your top 7-10 roles in you life and arrange them by your IDEAL highest priority to lowest (of the top 10). Example roles would be: Rebbi, father, husband, self, community member, chessed volunteer, eved Hashem, son, brother, friend, baal tefila etc.

Once you make that list, do it again but with your real world situation and see where your ideal priorities don't match your actual life. Then you build new habits that help prioritize the things that are most important to you. That can help you live with a sense of fulfillment and improve how you feel about yourself.

Hoping you find hatzlacha here

Thanks for your validation and idea. where can I find this program of prioritize....?

let me add that I feel - maybe I am not right- that a 12 step group with people that are on the same jurney would help me reach my goals but I think that I don't meet the criteria to join this group. any idea? 

Welcome to the GYE family!
You have come to the right place.
Here you will find warmth, care, and concern.

If you are ready to jump right in, I'd recommend reaching out to Hashem Help Me - HHM - as he is the mentor-in-chief sround here. He has helped hundreds, present company included. He can also help you decide if you're right for a 12 step group. He is reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com. You wont regret it!

If not, take your time. Read through the forums, and see what speaks to you.
Hatzlacha Rabbah!
And just remember...
KOMT!

relaxed wrote on 02 Aug 2024 03:49:

I can't find it, though I think it was from (or based on) Stephen Covey's book First Things First.

We should be able to do it. I can provide an example.

Ideal:
1 - Eved Hashem
2 - Self
3 - Husband
4 - Father
5 - Son
6 - Rebbi
7 - Son-in-law
8 - Chessed volunteer
9 - Kehilla member

Actual:
1 - Rebbi
2 - Chessed volunteer
3 - Son
4 - Eved Hashem
5 - Father
6 - Husband
7 - Kehilla member
8 - Son-in-law
9 - self?

Then you compare the discrepancies.
*I know that I need to take better care of myself, then I'm in a healthy place to take care of all my other priorities. But I don't. Then I feel spent and all my roles suffer.
*My Wife should be a top priority, even above my children and students. Do I make sure her needs don't get pushed aside. (Note: priority doesn't mean more time per se, our children may take more of our time, it means that given a choice, she comes first).
*Does my chessed volunteering go overboard and disrupt my priorities. Chessed is beautiful, but my ideals need to be met.
*Have I made sure that my own life and that of my family isn't being overshadowed by an unhealthy dependency or dictatorship from my parents.

I think that should be enough to get the idea. Now comes that hard part.
Write out your goals for each role in your list. For example, Husband--Date night, help with house chores, go for a walk, let wife sleep in etc.
Review this and over time start to internalize the changes that will help you shift from life living you, to you living the life you want.

Happy to help with more if I can. Hatzlacha!

relaxed wrote on 02 Aug 2024 02:56:

Hey welcome!

Thank you for the share, and you came to the right place. Check out some of the links in my signature for a taste of the tools GYE can offer, such as the F2F program (which can help you understand your struggle and will teach you some powerful tools for dealing with it); the Battle of the Generation (a powerful book on reframing the entire struggle); and Dov's 12 step workshops (a concentrated dose of the Torah of the 12 steps, and what it means to live a life with Hashem). Finally, the best resource is the chevra around here. When you feel comfortable, picking up the phone and connecting with someone you feel safe with (and btw, there are plenty of your fellow rabbis on here) is an extremely powerful tool to getting clean.

If I can make a suggestion. You write that your issue is a self-esteem issue, not lust. Someone here once posted "porn is a bad answer to a good question." Meaning, life is tough (sometimes exacerbated by our own personal flaws) and porn/lust/hotlines are a very soothing way of dealing with problems. You can learn to deal with lust and stop using it as a solution without directly addressing your self-esteem issues (I think). Obviously, it'll be a very helpful to deal with those issues, and a therapist can be very helpful for that. 

Hatzlacha and keep on trucking!

Ben Hashem
That is a great idea of how to prioritize and organize my life and habits.
I also struggle with knowing what to work on and when. Even sometimes at work, I struggle with what should I focus on now. I feel often that I have so much to do I therefore do nothing.......

This can put things in perspective!!

Thank You

wow no words! I have indeed come to the right place beezras hashem. you hit the nail on its head.

relaxed wrote on 02 Aug 2024 04:20:

welcome!

in your situation i would think to try group therapy before 12 steps.

Hatzlacha!!

please listen to attatched audio I recorded

thanks. I did not see any recording attached.

thanks. what is group therapy? and where can I get it?

relaxed wrote on 04 Aug 2024 17:47:

Therapy is a valuable tool to get to know and understand yourself. Through therapy one can become more in tuned with their feelings and learn how to regulate emotions. Therapy can also be a great medium to help build a healthy sense of self or self esteem. 

Group therapy is (based on my understanding) a setting in which multiple individuals who are working on a certain area of growth (I.e. anger management/ OCD/ anxiety/ self esteem etc.) Are brought together for a joint therapy experience. This can provide some of the support you described.

Shem suggested that addiction programs might be a strech for you at this point, and therapy might suffice.
BH today there are many many options of where to get good therapy, many of which accept insurance. On the gye homepage there's a link to referal agencys which can refer you to good therapy options tailored to what you're looking for.

Hatzlacha to the best rebbi!
i hope you continue to be relaxed, and shtaig more and more!

brothers! since I got to know this upgraded web site about 10 days ago- I became literally addicted " to stick around you -warm, accepting, non judgemental, hard working -on themselves - people. I got to speak to some. b"h the last few days I am walking around relaxed connected to myself and my feelings. I got to realize that my main struggle and trigger is when I feel bad about my self or when I feel resentment ..... and resentment to me mainly comes from taking personally when someone talks against my family shul community city yidden in general ...all  of that I take it as if he meant me. but b"h the last 10 days I am very conscious about it and I feel much lighter. can you identify?