But I did think that the less I give in to him the less I would be affected by normal civilian shmiras einayim challenges. I always assumed that it was only because of the garbage that I was busy with that I couldn't walk in the street like a normal human being without literally ogling at anything that remotely resembled something I could lust over. (I always marveled at how in this inyan I always manage to have such an ayin tovah that I assume that the blurry figure 2 blocks away is probably the most beautiful woman I'll ever get a chance to lay my eyes on)

Literally anything that's caught in my peripheral vision becomes a struggle for me. I'm trying to just mentally acknowledge their presence  and move on and bh i usually do these days but it bothers me how hyper aware I am of any potential stimulation and how lust is so ingrained in me. I really hope things will start to get easier

Hi! I am so happy and relieved to be here. If I may, I'd like to share my painful story.

I grew up in a sheltered Torah home. My father is a mechanech known for his passion in fighting the internet and the nisyonos hador. Ever since I can remember I've always been consumed with sexual curiosity. It started with hijacking woman's clothing catalogs I found in the mailbox, discovering masturbation, fantasizing about pretty much any attractive female I knew including family members, and more. Throughout my years in mesivta I would occasionally purchase or rent movies, and even had some opportunities to watch porn. I used to have streaks where I would abstain from being motzi zerah. Sometimes it lasted a few days sometimes even weeks. But they never lasted very long.

As all this was happening I was very busy portraying myself as a serious bachur and trying desperately to learn and get better at learning. BH, even with all my daydreaming and fantasizing I was able to block out the guilt and shame and throw myself into my learning enough that I made it through my yeshiva years. In fact, I was so deeply troubled about my identity and so desperately wanted to be considered a "good guy" in learning and yiras shamayim, I would join "extracurricular" shiurim and sedarim staying in the beis medrash till late at night. Although this definitely helped my overall shteiging, the truth is that I was way behind and should have been honest about where I needed to focus.

I found myself extremely confused as to who I was and what I really wanted. On the one hand, I was a bachur with big שאיפות. I was zoche to learn in yeshivos where I witnessed true gadlos b'torah. I craved it. The genuine ahavas hatorah and meyushavkeit that I saw in my Rosh yeshiva, rebbeim, and older bachurim was something I knew I needed. On the other hand, how could i throw myself entirely into achieving that goal when I knew that I wouldn't be able to? When I knew I would fall again and again. When I knew it just wouldn't be real.

BH I became more serious in beis medrash and was even one of the few in my shiur to get into THAT yeshiva in Eretz Yisrael. But there things got worse. The hustle and bustle of the geula neighborhood and the nisyonos it presents is something that I'm sure is all too familiar to many of you. I found myself deliberately getting on to packed buses (vhameivin yavin), taking late night walks in neighborhoods I should never have entered, pretending to be preoccupied with an important phone call, and just generally consumed with sexual fantasies. And then I discovered those free chat lines. And those unfiltered computer kiosks. I found myself again going to sleep late, sometimes entirely missing first seder. All the while continuing to prop up my image as a chashuva Ben torah. The double life continued and deepened.

I continued on to BMG and got engaged soon after to a wonderful bas talmid chachom. Like many, I clung to the desperate hope that shidduchim, engagement, and marriage would help me solve my problem. But in between my "streaks" I was still busy with chat lines, porn, and masturbation. Davening was always a bizarre fluctuation of intensity, tears, and disinterest. In halacha I was sometimes meticulous and sometimes lax. I would be proud yet disturbed whenever complimented on my learning achievements, hashkafic sincerity, or general intelligence.

During my engagement and after my marriage it became clear that I had an issue seemingly not connected to any of this, that severely affected my shalom bayis. I was, and still am, very determined to make my marriage work, and I know the issue is mine. I went to therapy for 3 years for it. I spent lots of money, tried different therapists with different modalities, all the while really trying to make things work. It helped a little, but things were really not simple. I have to give a shout out to my wife for being the trooper, for bearing with me, for seeing the good in me and the possibility for me to heal and our marriage to blossom.

All this time, freshly married , struggling with my marriage and much inner turmoil, I felt lonely and isolated. I didn't know what HaShem wanted from me. I cried, I ignored and moved on, cried again and ignored some more. Over the past year things got to the point that I sadly moved on from just porn, masturbation and chat lines.

And then...

2 weeks ago, Hashem in His overabundant mercy rescued me, and I stumbled upon this precious website. Out of desperation I sent a couple partner requests. IWLR emailed me within a few hours. To make a long story short, it turns out that we knew each other very very well. I will forever be makir tov to him for introducing me to the possibility of recovery. I've been in touch with Harav Hatzadik HHM over the past week and my life has changed. I'm finally able to address what I've known all along. That this dark hidden part of me has directly and INDIRECTLY seeped into every aspect of my life. 

I have no words to thank everyone who's posts I've read and who I've spoken to over the past week. The power of being able to share, be vulnerable, and come clean, with those whom you know will accept you, is indescribable. 3 years of therapy and I never shared this! I even managed to convince myself that it wasn't related to what I was there for. I am more connected with myself than ever and my marriage has changed because of that. Everything in my life is different than just two weeks ago.

I have a long way to go, but finally I feel ready and equipped to fight this battle. I look forward to continuing to grow the friendships I have created, and to live a pure, authentic life together forever.

Your friend,

MinHamayim

Friends,

I remember my 10th grade rebbe asking us the following question. We all know the rule of kol haschalos kashos. So why is it that for many, the start of the zman (or the start of anything for that matter) is so often the easiest and most successful part?! He explained the obvious, that the initial high, the excitement, the freshness; they all have little to do with the real consistent hard work necessary for growth after those feelings dissipate. Therefore, that can't really be considered the beginning of the zman. The real beginning is only AFTER those first few days or weeks. 
And THAT'S when we see the klal of kol haschalos kashos.

Yesterday my real beginning began.

I had my first real urge since the start of this new chapter in my life called gye.
I reached out to my first gye friend for support and whoa did he come through!

Let's see if I can try and jump on the poetry bandwagon here and give it a shot. (I have some time


Hours so precious
Yielded over as if nill
His optimism infectious
Remaining with me until

Assurance garnered
the means has met it's end
the demon's been caged
Now my strength will not bend

How can I reciprocate
Show him what he showed me
When I'm the one submerged in deep
And in the deep it's hard to see


Words like thanks won't do justice
Won't Suffice to be uttered
For helping me to (e)merge
from the gated and the shuttered


This is someone who cares
so much so that he speaks
of another man's mountains
Like they're all his own peaks

For that kind of friend
There's none to say or do
But I sure can remind him
My victories are his too




pulled out,


MinHamayim

What you are experiencing is normal and expected. Our subconscious craves the "fix" we used to give our bodies. Therefore, when one has BH successfully removed himself from the hyper-stimulation of online garbage, the subconscious makes one all of a sudden start noticing "everything" in the street - desperately attempting to arouse you from that. The solution is quite simple. Do not panic. Do your best in the street. The same way that the subconscious grudgingly gave up on "getting you" through online stimulation, the same will b'ezras Hashem happen with the real-life stuff.

Of course, basic shmiras eynaim challenges are here for life - just as basic shmiras halashon - honesty in business - etc. challenges are here to stay. That is how Hashem made us. But they do not have to be overwhelming. And they won't be overwhelming if we slowly but surely - and calmly - continue growing.

jubilantbison50 wrote on 12 Sep 2024 20:36:

Bro did you make an account just to post that?

I think once you did you're contractually obligated to keep on posting (should've read the fine print  .)