Hi to all.
I am married living in Lakewood. Basic story, bumped into p*** accidently at age 13 in a subway station, and have been running around my shadow for the last 20 years or so trying to sate myself, then telling myself its wrong, stopping, until the next time I restart...
Over time I have had better and worse tekufos. I have been clean now for 36 days, and am finding my motivation to be going down the drain. Its hitting a point over the last week or so that when I close my eyes or look away, I don't even feel good. I feel resentful for the next few hours. 
Does anyone have good tips to keep motivated and feel good about having looked away? Because I don't know how much longer I will be able to manage...

Hey,
can you be more specific of what your resenting?
Also think of why you look away? #1 reason for me is that you know it's the right thing to do even though it's not necessarily the thing you want to do. I don't think I ever "feel good" but rather know I'm good bc I'm doing good. This can then lead to feeling good

Of course this isn't always the case but this is it for now. Also ODAAT (One Day At A Time) is key

Meaning, I keep thinking I should have looked for one second. Don't get me wrong, I believe its bad for me - but the urge is so strong...
I am just finding that as it gets longer from when I last fell, I don't have the instant gratification of having held myself back, I just crave the instant gratification of looking and feel deprived of that when I don't look.
You are right, looking back at the last few weeks it definitely is a good feeling that I have been successful this long, and it does tell me if I try hard enough, I can succeed. 

Have you tried the F2F program?

Motivation is very important and it will IYH come as times goes by. The big goal over here is to CRUSH the lust. that means not only looking away on the street but also focusing on right from wrong.

How are you doing in other areas? such as masturbation and porn?

Shalom Reb Yidddd,
What motivates you at the start?
There is a book The Battle of the Generation
There is a daily chizuk posted by Vayimaein
There are shmiras einayim sefarim
There is self-appreciation, your goal/mission

Personally, I derive strength from the feeling of being in control of it. Even a quick peek, little Mr YH, you're not even going to get that. And if I do slip a little, I'm pushing back even harder that I don't give him any more ground. 

Hatzlacha

Hey! Welcome!

I can definitely relate to what you wrote. And you raised a very important point. It's impossible to stay long term clean when you feel resentful. And don't think you're terrible for feeling that way. You've been indulging for a long time (arguably as an ones) and have come to really like this stuff. It's genuinely difficult to give up something you love so much and have been using for so long.
Just honestly acknowledging you feel this way and not condemning yourself for it is a huge step.

I think you got the answers you need on this thread already. Work through the first sections on F2F and write out the exercises there. That'll help you crystalize some of the ideas behind your motivation. (Relatedly, you'd find it helpful to write out your entire history of acting out. It'll help clarify the extent of the problem.)

Read the Battle of the Generation and learn how to find the pleasure in not acting out. It's possible to change your mindset so you no longer feel deprived.

Connect with some of the guys here. Sharing this pain with someone who can completely identify with it is shockingly helpful.

Hatzlacha and keep on trucking!

Sharing with someone in person, even over the phone, is a real inspiration.  Realize that after 20 years (for me it was 40) it is something that you got used to and provided "instant gratification" without much effort.  The initial high of feeling good about yourself that you held back only lasts for so long. I believe that is the source of your resentment.

In my case, another benefit was the significant change in the relationship with my wife. 

Hang in there and keep up the fight!

Hi! WOW! 36 priceless days! Keep it up!
My friend, that what friends are for. They keep us in the game, they keep us motivated. Reach out and make some connections. Trust me, you won't regret it. Yes, it's super important to dig deep and realize the benefits of doing this work. But between us, most people, even if they should exercise every day, and they know it, having a person you do it with is a game changer. Besides for the amount of stuff you can learn from another person. Keep posting, and as soon as you are ready, reach out to michelgelner@gmail.com. If you are looking for a friend, feel free to email me at the address in my signature
Keep trucking!

To me, bh, it goes hand in hand. When I am being successful at not using porn and masturbating, that is when I am making an effort at not looking in general. So I am now clean for 37 days, meaning no porn, no masturbation, and in general being very careful with shemiras einayim. Cold turkey after a streak of about 3 months with going barely a day without failing.

Its usually something specific. In this case it was a local tragedy that shook me up. But I really want to keep it going.

I appreciate "if I do slip a little, I'm pushing back even harder that I don't give him any more ground" - that's a good mantra to keep in mind.

Thank you. I see this book "Battle of the Generation" coming up a lot, I will have to check it out.

Something I did recently in a moment of kedusha was to switch the doorknob to the study to one without a lock. This means that BH I rarely am actually able to try things. But its a double edged sword - while I don't usually have private access to use my computer for bad, I also don't usually have the ability to be mechazeik myself on GYE...

I got alot of chizuk from your validation of the point I can't admit to myself - unfortunately I really do love this stuff and its really hard to give it up...

yidddd wrote on 18 Jul 2024 00:06:

See link below in my signature.

After keeping it going for 47 days, I fell. Yesterday was one of those days, the urges were just incredibly tough, and then I found myself in front of a computer with an bypassable filter with no one home. All the work went out the window and for the next while I just indulged.
I left the house and went shopping, and just cried. I didn't know what to do with myself.
And now, I am home again and I want to indulge so badly. If anyone sees this, could use some chizzuk. As jewizard21 said - I am trying to tell myself ODAAT, but my yetzer hora is sitting there telling me if I mess up today there is no streak anyway...

yidddd wrote on 30 Jul 2024 02:00:

47 DAYS!!!!!! YIPEEAIIOOO!!!!! YOU ARE AWESOME!!

Look how high you've come up the mountain. Look back down to where you were  47 days ago. aand use that 
What you accomplished can never be taken away from you.
Dont focus on the today - focus on the now . whatever the now is. Drink in the sweet taste of success nd use that to propel you fwd

You can do this - youve done it !!!!

Hatzlocha!!!

Well here’s the thing Life sucks then you die, and then you get back up and you do it all over again because streaks don’t matter they are a nice barometer of where you are holding but ultimately they are not the measure of a man, so suck it up and as they like to say in these here parts keep on monster trucking