Hi Friends
I hope everyone is well.
I have been struggling with a lot of what this site is about for many, many years but this is not what I'm here for today. I'm looking a bit for peer support.
I am now sitting on a delayed, stationary train on an erev shabbos and I am exhasted and have no stamina to do anything productive, and times like these often bring sad feelings to the fore and I felt like I needed someone to talk to and an online search sent me here.
Basically, my story, in terms of what this site is about, is probably very similar to yours but this is actually not what I want to talk about.
I feel a lot that the reason I got into being motzie zera and porn was because of the disfunctional home I grew up in, I probably didn't realise a lot of it at the time, but, conciously or subconciously, I never felt good about myself and my parents were very frum and strict about very stupid things, like they made me have massive payos and I wasn't allowed to have cool clothing etc. I'm sure you get the drift. Now I realise that because I felt so ashamed of my family and there was a lot missing in my life emotionally, I had this need for things to make me feel good.
Again, I don't want to speak about the kedusha issues, more I am really just want to express my feelings to a very specail group of people who really care. As I write this I am actaully crying, I hope that the goyshe lady sitting next to me doesn't notice, where I live the goyim can actually sometimes be quite nice.
Anyway, I am 25 and single, I was about ten eleven years in yeshiva, I feel that it was a collosal waste of time, I didn't learn so well and I didn't know how to chill either. I also was and, though B"H B"H B"H now much less, lacking a lot in terms of social skills so the social matsav was so so. I never enjoyed yeshiva but I was so suppressed, until a few years ago when I was old enough to just do what I wanted without my parents being able to tell me what to do, I was never allowed to work, I was always desperate for money but never had. I finally left yeshiva, but due to all the circumstances, I'm probably better off in yeshiva then out so I'll likely end up going back.
Whatever, I could write and write and explain all the detalis of my life so you can have a full picture...but anyway, I oftern feel sad, like this sense of sadness following me and I feel like no matter what I'm never happy.
I have tons and tons to be grateful for so please no one tell me to start thanking Hashem, I've filled journals with thanking Hashem and throughout the day I'm davening and thanking Hashem for all of things which go well. But still, often I just feel empty and unaccomplished and ignored and all the rest of it. I also learn living emuna every day, for years already.
Basically, these are feelings, some could be a reflection of the reality and some not, but this is how I feel.
B"H I have a very good therapist, as anyone who's been in therapy knows, it's a journey. This is the 5th therapist I've seen. This also gets me upset. I was a very good boy in school and I went to good mainstream yeshivos but got very burnt out towards the very beginging but I never got any meaningful help. It was basically a matsav of the good boys who were into learing got that sort of attention from the rebbeim and the troublemakers got their sort of attention and then nebby me who wan't learning but wasn't making any trouble was just ignored. This makes me very sad, I've experianced this in other situations as well, you know how everyone is falling over themselves to be nice to the OTD kids...also the kids from modern backrounds. One mashgiach did realise that I needed help but this makes me so angry, he sent me to this rookie who is probably not qualified and was completly unproffesional. I feel that had I gone then to a proper therapist my life would have been so different, this was when I was 17, what did I know at the time? When I was about 22 I went again for therapy, stayed by this therapist for a year with little progress until I finally realised it was the wrong shidduch, when i spoke him about it he basically shifted the blame on to me. Arrogant idiot.
Anyway, finally found a therapist who I'm happy with...let's hope and pray.
That's the very long backround, my feelings about my life are often regret about the past, gashmiyus let me tell you, not ruchniyos like why did i not chill more with friends when I had them, now they are all married and I'm all alone, got almost no friends where I live. I often compare my life to everyone else who I see, like i feel everyone is living a enjoyable life besides for me. I'm jealous of girls and the life that they get to live, they can work from when they are young, they have money, I dunno, they all seem to be traveling the whole time, and all that. I feel unaccomplished, learning is still difficult and if I learn an hour a day then that's a good day. I try I try, probably not hard enought but I try. I am actually still quite frum. sometimes I wonder: what am I doing wrong? what am I doing wrong?
I'm not even sure if i want to get married, for years I was desperate to be "ready" because marriage was my get out of jail free card but now that I sort of left yeshiva and things are not so great and I've discovered that I don't really want to be anti-social, i sort of feel like if i get married now then I've missed out on all the single chilling and traveling that i never did and i'm closing the door on that peroid of my life and i'll always feel like i missed out.
I went on my first and last shidduch a few months ago, nice girl, she said no, no supprises, but she sort of triggered me because she's traveled all over the world and she seems to be super content with her life and it just got me jealous of her life. Another point, I always wanted a trendy girl, i try so hard to look cool, you have no idea how much money I spend on clothes and that, but she dressed very frum, it's just like I felt, I dunno how to put this into words but something like, can nothing ever work out for me?
Anyway, you don't have to read my rammblings, I feel a lot better having unburdended myself. I'm so happy that there is this forum, I once tried posting on another forum and not everyone was as nice as you guys.
Good shabbos and may Hashem grant you everything good. Amen
