thompson wrote on 30 Jul 2024 16:13:
Failure.
What a scary word.
Unlike kryptonite, which Superman can choose to avoid, failure is an integral part of life. It's like a heel to Achilles. It's always there. It has to.
The problem is that I don't know how to deal with it. As long as things go well, I'm in. Once there's a dark chapter, I write the rest of the story in that shade. The rationale is that if I stay like this, I won't fail my previous endeavor but simply shift strategies.
I came here two years ago full of ambition and zest, got over 100 days clean, and failed.
I got back up, and after two weeks, I failed again.Instead of coming here and admitting my failure, the rationalizations kicked in.
I started climbing many times, announcing my new expeditions only once I had enough days and hubris, and failed every time.
Then I decided this whole shpiel was not worth its bandwidth and gained infamy for my darkness and cynicism. I even changed my username to match this persona. I did not fail at that one and enjoyed it, but I felt empty inside.
I deleted my account. To hell with you and yours.
One day, I got this fantastic idea: Now that the old me is dead, I can open a new account with a new character and have a fresh start. Nobody needs to be the wiser. Awesome. Fantabulous.
I started again, this time with fervor and passion.
It lasted for about three weeks, then I failed. I haven't been active since.
Why?
Because it's the same old me writing these words, new username and profile picture notwithstanding.
I'm the same loser who's afraid of losing.
So, I failed.
Maybe if I write those words enough times, they'll lose their potency.
Question: Who thinks he has what it takes to respond with "You didn't fail! Every clean day is saved in Shomayim!" or "Don't call yourself a loser!" etc.?
It's ok.
I personally have a character defect that pops up prominently.
I tend to excuse myself and rationalize negative behaviors & mood, as well as justifying quitting by acting a victim.
You are not a victim.
Hashem did this for us, not too us.
I will admit that I've asked Him to F off a few times too many
but He still loves me. He cherishes me. He trusts me to find that strength inside to remain steadfast and resolute.
sometimes i slip up. sometimes i fail to be perfect all the time.
And that's ok.
Keep coming back here and let us love you until you learn to love yourself.
Godspeed.