eerie wrote on 02 Jul 2024 19:04:

I was really hoping to get to know some men. Am I on the wrong forum? Is this the day camp? I guess I can be the counselor.

Thanks, everyone, for the welcome and the warmth. So far, I've only encountered, what seems to be, awesome people - on my thread, that is.

Failure.
What a scary word.

Unlike kryptonite, which Superman can choose to avoid, failure is an integral part of life. It's like a heel to Achilles. It's always there. It has to.
The problem is that I don't know how to deal with it. As long as things go well, I'm in. Once there's a dark chapter, I write the rest of the story in that shade. The rationale is that if I stay like this, I won't fail my previous endeavor but simply shift strategies.
I came here two years ago full of ambition and zest, got over 100 days clean, and failed.
I got back up, and after two weeks, I failed again.Instead of coming here and admitting my failure, the rationalizations kicked in.
I started climbing many times, announcing my new expeditions only once I had enough days and hubris, and failed every time.
Then I decided this whole shpiel was not worth its bandwidth and gained infamy for my darkness and cynicism. I even changed my username to match this persona. I did not fail at that one and enjoyed it, but I felt empty inside.
I deleted my account. To hell with you and yours.

One day, I got this fantastic idea: Now that the old me is dead, I can open a new account with a new character and have a fresh start. Nobody needs to be the wiser. Awesome. Fantabulous.
I started again, this time with fervor and passion.
It lasted for about three weeks, then I failed. I haven't been active since.
Why?
Because it's the same old me writing these words, new username and profile picture notwithstanding.
I'm the same loser who's afraid of losing.

So, I failed.
Maybe if I write those words enough times, they'll lose their potency.

Question: Who thinks he has what it takes to respond with "You didn't fail! Every clean day is saved in Shomayim!" or "Don't call yourself a loser!" etc.?

Reality has a way of making us pay for the things we enjoy.

Yet somehow, porn is in a special category.
Can't live with it, can't live without it.
And so, the pendulum swings.

I enjoy the summer - the heat notwithstanding.
I'm cool with winter - throw on another layer.
I take long strolls in the forest - to heck with you flying pests.
I drink coffee - this goes without saying.

Yet somehow, porn is in a special category.
Can't live with it, can't live without it.
And so, the pendulum swings.

thompson wrote on 19 Aug 2024 18:41:

Rereading my post, I don't see why I was so perplexed.
None of the enjoyments are perfect, yet I still pay the price and do them.
Why should porn be different?
Add this line: I watch porn, even if it leaves me feeling empty
Duh.

As I'm writing this, I found a distinction.
The other enjoyments have a temporary price for a lasting reward, so I put up with price. If a hike would only be enjoyable for the duration of the trek itself and then I'd be left with nothing but pain and misery, I doubt I'd venture out too often.

Ah, so the question on porn is back.

thompson wrote on 20 Aug 2024 14:50:

Reb P!

If I may say, I don’t really understand your point.

If porn porn usage would be equal to the other pleasures in life, such as hiking etc, where there’s a cost for pleasure, a price as you call it, than there would not be much of a market for people who are desperately trying to stop. 

Rather, it is because the porn addict is using porn and even while porning and masturbating, he is simultaneously shaking with agony, wishing he wouldn’t be doing this and hating himself for it. 

Because it’s a drug. And when anything can be used as a drug, it becomes addictive and dangerous. Overeating oneself towards a heart attack can kind of play out the same way, although the dopamine high is not the same as porn. 

So it may be less about pleasure and its price and more about getting or not getting that high. 

Does this make any sense at all? Maybe time for another coffee!

thompson wrote on 19 Aug 2024 18:41:

Powerful post.

One of the weird things about life is that there's (almost) no perfect moments. And the rare ones that come our way pass by so fast.

But porn. Ah porn. Caught between the pit of desire and the pendulum of pain and running out of space to hide.
"I was sick -- sick unto death with that long agony"

One thing that's been very helpful for me is accepting that I enjoy lust. I can't have it for a whole bunch of good reasons (some of which make me hate it), but I definitely enjoy it. And that's fine.

youknowwho wrote on 21 Aug 2024 12:01:

It makes almost too much sense, and it's definitely time for another coffee.

thompson wrote on 21 Aug 2024 17:11:

Excellent points.

To be precise: 
When a person makes a choice to pay a certain price for a pleasure, because he deems that the payout is worth the cost, he is behaving reasonably. 

When the compulsion to the payout causes a man to pay a price that he knows and feels is too high, yet he cannot stop himself, ‘tis not barter. It is slavery.