BenHashemBH wrote on 30 Jul 2024 17:21:

I'm the elephant and the stand.
The lion tamer and the audience.
The clown and the child with Coulrophobia.
The magician and his 7/8 nude female assistant.

I'm what some call a one man show.

thompson wrote on 30 Jul 2024 17:30:

If you are everything, then there is no one left to call you anything.

Failure.
What a scary word.Unlike kryptonite, which Superman can choose to avoid, failure is an integral part of life. It's like a heel to Achilles. It's always there. It has to.
The problem is that I don't know how to deal with it. As long as things go well, I'm in. Once there's a dark chapter, I write the rest of the story in that shade. The rationale is that if I stay like this, I won't fail my previous endeavor but simply shift strategies.
I came here two years ago full of ambition and zest, got over 100 days clean, and failed.
I got back up, and after two weeks, I failed again.Instead of coming here and admitting my failure, the rationalizations kicked in.
I started climbing many times, announcing my new expeditions only once I had enough days and hubris, and failed every time.
Then I decided this whole shpiel was not worth its bandwidth and gained infamy for my darkness and cynicism. I even changed my username to match this persona. I did not fail at that one and enjoyed it, but I felt empty inside.
I deleted my account. To hell with you and yours.

One day, I got this fantastic idea: Now that the old me is dead, I can open a new account with a new character and have a fresh start. Nobody needs to be the wiser. Awesome. Fantabulous.
I started again, this time with fervor and passion.
It lasted for about three weeks, then I failed. I haven't been active since.
Why?
Because it's the same old me writing these words, new username and profile picture notwithstanding.
I'm the same loser who's afraid of losing.

So, I failed.
Maybe if I write those words enough times, they'll lose their potency.

Question: Who thinks he has what it takes to respond with "You didn't fail! Every clean day is saved in Shomayim!" or "Don't call yourself a loser!" etc.?

Failure.
What a scary word.

Unlike kryptonite, which Superman can choose to avoid, failure is an integral part of life. It's like a heel to Achilles. It's always there. It has to.
The problem is that I don't know how to deal with it. As long as things go well, I'm in. Once there's a dark chapter, I write the rest of the story in that shade. The rationale is that if I stay like this, I won't fail my previous endeavor but simply shift strategies.
I came here two years ago full of ambition and zest, got over 100 days clean, and failed.
I got back up, and after two weeks, I failed again.Instead of coming here and admitting my failure, the rationalizations kicked in.
I started climbing many times, announcing my new expeditions only once I had enough days and hubris, and failed every time.
Then I decided this whole shpiel was not worth its bandwidth and gained infamy for my darkness and cynicism. I even changed my username to match this persona. I did not fail at that one and enjoyed it, but I felt empty inside.
I deleted my account. To hell with you and yours.

One day, I got this fantastic idea: Now that the old me is dead, I can open a new account with a new character and have a fresh start. Nobody needs to be the wiser. Awesome. Fantabulous.
I started again, this time with fervor and passion.
It lasted for about three weeks, then I failed. I haven't been active since.
Why?
Because it's the same old me writing these words, new username and profile picture notwithstanding.
I'm the same loser who's afraid of losing.

So, I failed.
Maybe if I write those words enough times, they'll lose their potency.

Question: Who thinks he has what it takes to respond with "You didn't fail! Every clean day is saved in Shomayim!" or "Don't call yourself a loser!" etc.?

Ouch. I am feeling for you, brother.

It seems like I'm coming late to the current party, but I am more curious than anything else.
Why are you afraid to lose? What about it scares you? Do you expect perfection immediately? If so, why?
Why don't you want people responding with the classic "You didn't fail! Every day clean etc."?

Either way, I am feeling for you.
From a fellow detective, er, brother, here's a hug!

I am showing up really late to the party, so late I'm afraid everyone has left.
Listen to me, my dear Thompson, everyone has given you the smart and cute answers already, so I'll just cut to the chase.
Yes, you have fallen. And yes, there is hope. YOU can change! Your future can redefine your past! 
But how? How can you change?
First of all, give CO a call. And keep bothering the hell out of the guy. You gotta be selfish sometimes.
Second of all, you gotta stop being a perfectionist. Not that that's easy. But you gotta embrace yourself and your imperfections, just work on your self. We are not perfect, we are not meant to be perfect. There's a nice vort from Reb Moshe Feinstein zt"l, it says about Moshe Rabbeinu הודה ולא בוש. Reb Moshe says it means he was totally not embarrased that he made a mistake! Because that's what humans do. Messing up is normal, it's what we do afterwards that defines us. 
So, you came here afterwards. That's a pretty fine definition.
My friend, I'd love to make your acquaintance. 


If I may add one more point, and I hope my friends here will forgive me.
I've been around a little bit. Spoken to a few guys. I have rarely seen a guy really make it to long-term, sustainable freedom from all the garbage without making friends here. Thompson, it may not apply to you, because for all I know you have already chased down some miscreants together with some of the guys here...but maybe it does apply. Reach out today to the GYE center nearest you.

Day 5. I think. Somewhere between 3 and 10.

My wife recently gave birth to a mini-human. I was in the room when they assigned the gender. Instinctively, I wanted to protest.How dare they assume the gender just on account of the body?!
How shallow and primitive can these people be?!
But I remembered that this was the little person's time to holler, so I waited my turn. I'm still waiting. They say this might take a while.

The darn deep state.

In the meantime, I'm considering pouncing on this opportunity and opening a thread in the BB section complaining and grumbling about how hard it is to stay clean while we're unclean.

This could be good.

eerie wrote on 02 Aug 2024 19:41:

Clearer words are usually not spoken.

Eerie doesn't let me be a perfectionist.
138eagle doesn't let me be shy or nervous.

Any other intimately held traits I should get rid of while I'm at it?