Not many things can unearth some uncomfortable stuff from deep within, like a three-day Yom Tov (especially one like Rosh Hashana, where you spend plenty of time in your own company).


People sitting shoulder to shoulder, chanting the same tune, yet everyone is carrying a highly individual load.

We share a room, but everyone's mind paints an entirely different landscape of what we commonly and ironically call "objective reality."

Masks, wherever you look. Some have smiles, some seem earnest, and others are painted in nonchalance. What does mine look like? The face in the mirror is nearly unrecognizable - to me, others see it differently.

I secretly covet my neighbor's perceived fortune and fight the urge to walk out and catch another glimpse of his wife while he's envious of some goodies he thinks I have.

Everyone lives as though in a glass box; we can see each other but never get too close.


Now, where's the booze? There, Musaf will be easier.


Post Yom Tov phone call with mom:
How was Yom Tov?
Oh, Yom Tov was very nice.
(true story)

There's a feeling called sonder. When you see all the people passing by and it hits you that they all have their own lives, just as full with emotion, feeling, thought, wonder and pain as your own. 
All those cars you pass on the highway, every lighted window, has a person whose life is just as deep as your own. Your own experience is just one ten-billionth of the world's. And you'll never know the other ten billion life experiences going on. You'll interact with just a few of them, and never really know any of them.

Anyway. I refuse to believe that. 

I'm the only real person dammit. 

How are you doing, oh internet figment known as Thompson?

Thompson?

FWIW I'm not convinced a "fall" is truly a fall. I think HKBH puts us into difficult situations in order to bring out our kochos hanefesh. I think your "fall" could be seen as another step in your journey of self-discovery. And if what I'm saying is true it means there's hope. Kavey el Hashem chazak v'yaametz libecha...

kavey wrote on 28 Oct 2024 13:17:

A fall might not be a fall, and some might argue that it goes both ways. A long, clean streak and just a good setup to enjoy porn more at the end.

Some might argue as such.
Others vehemently disagree with them, saying that it's a preposterous proposition.
Ususllay at this point in the exchange, I leave the room.

Thank You, Hashem, for helping me stay off porn for the entire duration of Sukkos. I masturbated twice, but without porn. So I was able to feel self-righteous about it.

On the last day (Shabbos), I was feeling spectacularly miserable, to the extent that the gloom followed me into the usually protective cloud that bourbon creates. I never had that happen before. The day dragged on because that's what time does; it just keeps plodding ahead stoically as though with a mind of its own. The thing that finally did the trick was watching porn for over two hours at night after finally chasing everyone (including, of course, my wife) into bed. I didn't even need to masturbate at the end; the voyeurism itself was enough. Another reason to feel self-righteous.

Now what? Now, we go into a long, dark, grey, cold winter.
Looking forward.

So relatable! I'm dreading the days ahead : (

thompson wrote on 28 Oct 2024 16:57:

thompson wrote on 28 Oct 2024 16:57:

You really need to try single malt scotch... It's made in such a gloomy place, there's no choice left but to be happy 

thompson wrote on 28 Oct 2024 16:57:

Hey, welcome back, I guess.
I also have the feeling of being trapped in cold sludgy ploddingness. Unfortunately, in my case it is because I’m dealing with all sorts of painful stuff that I can’t share outside of with my wife, who ain’t doin so great. 

Do you know what it is that is making you feel so miserable? And does the porn help in specific ways aside from being a lovely distraction? Identifying where a need is coming from can be helpful… 

Here’s a clammy hand… I’m trying to warm up a bit… 
I hope today was better. 

Chaim 

chaimoigen wrote on 29 Oct 2024 21:09:

Assistant (to the) regional manager Oigen, sorry to hear about your wife and your situation. I hope things get better soon.

An outstanding question you've asked. A close friend asked me the same question after YT (a real, live person). There's some confusion; perhaps writing it down might shed some light.

The rational person in me knows that porn, like any other drug, is a way of numbing, or as you put it, distracting. But another voice in me (not sure if it's the addict or another rational guy - there's quite the party in there) says that, unlike cocaine or heroin, porn has another element in addition to its numbing factor. And that is the story it tells.

A childhood abuse victim/survivor can watch a movie like Forrest Gump or Good Will Hunting and feel validated. They might want to come back and watch it again because of how it validates their experience of life. I feel like there's a similar element in porn. There's a certain vulnerability that I wish I'd have (but am not putting in the work to obtain it) - and I'm not talking specifically about in the bedroom - that's portrayed in the videos I usually seek out. If what I just posited is true, then I'd say it's more than just a distraction.

Now, before the peanut gallery patrons start starts telling me that porn is not authentic, it's staged, these people are broken, yada yada yada. I know. Forrest Gump was also staged.

Literature, art, and other forms of expression (that one knows when one sees it), can reflectand articulate truths.

Amen, thanks.

You have given an authentic and thought provoking answer, and you’ve exposed some vulnerability, too. 
Though I would not ask you to write about it here, I hope that you’re thinking about the source of what compels the search you describe, but not enough to trigger the pain too badly… 

There’s a lot of pain in life. It stinks some times, sorry.

Agav, I found Forrest Gump more painful and less revealing the second time around. I feel a sense of kinship with the Loootenant, actually, in a lot of ways…  

We interrupt our regularly scheduled despondent posts for a slightly different tune.

Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski used to say that low self-esteem is at the root of addiction. This was the basis of (most of) his books. Over the last couple of months, this message slowly trickled from my brain into my visceral self. Especially after reading some of his books on the subject, in which he describes me spot on.

Naturally, realizing that I have low self-esteem only served to lower it further.

Recently, I bumped into this post by the dude of tzitzis, in which he mentions a shmuz from Rabbi Kalish on codependency and its impact on his life. I don't know why, but something told me to check it out, and boy, am I glad I did. It gave me a much-needed boost that I didn't even know was possible.

I thank tzitzis man and Rabbi Kalish for the flash of lightning in the otherwise dark forest. I pray to our heavenly father that I use this clarity to start working on what I see to be the root issue and not let too much time pass, lest I forget what I saw in the bolt.

Wow okay now I think I have to check it out too..

Why do I have the incessant drive to post something when I can't think of anything post-worthy?

I have no updates (that I'm willing to share).

Ah, but my posting isn't just about sharing updates. It's about getting the stupid, miserable, and delicious attention through replies, "Thank You"s, and or PMs.

So, that's what this post is all about. Pleading. Begging. Perhaps even groveling. All while I hold my nose in disgust at myself.

The ups and downs on this little space rock are truly filled with pompous self-importance.

שָׁקְעָה חַמָּה, עָבִים בָּאִים
לַיְלָה עוֹלֶה מִן הַתְּהוֹם

thompson wrote on 14 Nov 2024 18:44:

Sure, here u go... THANK YOU!