Hi all

Thanks for the opportunity to start talking here 

I've been hiding my pain for 12 years not sharing for one person 
Till my wife caught me!

Just wanna introduce myself and maybe get some support on my journey 

Thank you 

Wow, I feel for you brother…..
12 years is a long time to bear pain alone, and my guess is when your wife found out she wasn’t quite ready to give you support……

you’ve come to the right place! The support here is unreal. Stick around, learn the ropes and get to know the tzaddikim here!

im new myself and have benefitted tremendously….
Muttel

Welcome! 

I am sorry that you are struggling with this. This is a good place. To me GYE means hope. There is hope of breaking free completely. Hope of becoming different, of rising above, and of healing. Read some threads, stick around. We are looking forward to getting to know you better 

take my hand, brother. There are paths open to you, and it’s a lot less lonely when you’re in this fight together with friends. 

Chaim Oigen

OUCH! 
To every drop of your pain!
Here we rise above what we were and intensely focus on who we want to be and how we plan on getting there.
You're in the right place, on a well trod path heading in the right direction.
Grab on to any and all of the hands reaching out to you and climb higher and higher one courageous step at a time.
Hatzlocha!

Welcome! Try strengthening yourself with these great free resources:

1) The Battle of the Generation: a sensational free ebook that seriously gets you excited to fight and win this fight. It's a real game-changer.

2) The Fight: an incredible audio series from Rabbi Shafier.

Links are below in my signature. Wishing you much success!

Welcome!

You came to the right place. GYE is an incredible program and community of people working together to win this fight. We can all relate to the pain of hiding this shameful sin and/or sickness. I also came here because my wife caught me two years ago, and although that was one of the most painful moments of my life and I'm not glad it happened, I'm very glad it got me here.

Here are some links to some of the very excellent resources around here:
The Handbook has a fantastic overview of how GYE can help, the tools you can use to succeed. All the way from the F2F program up to and including 12 step conferences, GYE has you covered.
The F2F program  is an amazing course that will help you understand the problem and teach you tools to deal with it.
Captain already recommended the Battle of the Generation. An excellent book, it's chock-full of chizzuk and advice to teach you that the battle can be won.
Finally, GYE's best resource is the chevra around here. Stick around and get to know them!

Never give up!

Wow!
Didn't expect this reply and support 

I feel so understood here 
12 years of feeling as a terrible person that is shameful and helpless 
And almost caused a get for me 

It will take time to change this feelings 
And thanks all for replies and support 
I wanna share my story  
I gotta think where to start 
Give me some time
Good day!

Before my story 

I need to ask you guys for some help

I always said to my self till I got married that it's just a Bucher thing
after ill get married i will be fine

but few weeks after my wedding and i was back in p/m I got so depressed!

And I didnt went to shull for over a year except shabbos sometimes 

And that adds to guilt so much
I feel now that after I'm 108 days bh porn free, I don't have no porn and no connection to hashem 
Just feeling terrible not having both sides 

I must say my wife tries her best to support and understand me 
but she doesn't know what I feel 

I hope and guess that the ppl here understand this feeling 
And if anyone can help with advice how I can start davening and learning 
And not to be used to go sleep 3am
And start waking up on time and talking to ppl 
And livery life with confidence and proudness that I'm porn free 
I know there is so much healthy and joy 
To be close to hashem and to good things
But cant get there with much afford already 

Welcome!
I see you already got the warm GYE welcome.

If you're up for it, I would recommend reaching out to Hashem Help Me (HHM) at michelgelner@gmail.com.
He is one of the giants on this site, and has helped hundreds, myself included.
(There's also plenty of other amazing people here to talk to, if you're ready. Try eerie and chaimoigen to start...)

Hatzlacha!

NH95 wrote on 03 Jun 2024 16:57:

WOW,  I have no words, this is/was exactly how I would describe my situation, (except the part that my wife never found out about it)   
I guess we are going through the same.

And the answer to your question (as per my experience) is BABY STEPS

Start with small changes

There is no quick fix or shortcuts or skipping stages, but if u r willing to put in the effort and have the willpower you could get where you wanna be.

It for sure will take a while, but change is possible.

The longer you will fight the easier it will get.

Lots of Hatzlucha

NH95 wrote on 03 Jun 2024 16:57:

Welcome to GYE!GYE is a place of hope, warmth, and acceptance. I'm sorry to hear that your wife caught you, I can't imagine how painful it must be for her and for you. But nonetheless, you're here and ready to win this battle! Wow! that's gevaldig!

108 days porn free after being in that world for 12 years! That is fabulous! 

But hey no connection to Hashem?? you know that's not true my friend. I understand that that's the way you feel but that is certainly not the way Hashem feels. Hashem loves us more than we can imagine. He put us into this challenge because He knows that we can get out of it and yes He also knew that there is a big chance that we will have a hard time winning this battle, even so He put us into this because He trusts us, He has empowered us. Hashem is standing by your side and beaming with pride at every little once of effort you put into the last 108 days and what you will IYH continue to put in.

My friend, stick around and keep plowing

And remember NEVER look back because you are NOT going that way!

Welcome, my dear friend.

I know EXACTLY what you feel like.

I'm struggling with depression at the moment, and it sounds like you're not depression-free yourself.

From the little you shared with us so far, it sounds like there are MOUNTAINS of pain that you're carrying deep inside you for years and years. 

Guilt, shame, confusion, frustration, addiction, secrecy, grief, sorrow, relationship angst. That's a lot to deal with!

No wonder you feel numb about Hashem and ruchniyus. You're completely depleted, to the point of barely feeling anything. 

In my own life, I'm hoping that working on my depression and what's been causing it, will allow me to heal and be able to reconnect with Hashem and spirituality.

I'm doing so with the help of a good therapist. Have you been to therapy?

Yes I'm going to therapy bh

We are not there yet 
Still getting back from porn and healing my marriage 

Lot of work to do 
And the accomplish feelings is not coming in yet 
So not easy

My wife is proud and hashem is probably also very proud but not feeling it YET!

I think you should just stay the course, keep doing what you're doing.

You already came a very long way. Stick around over here and keep sharing your story and your progress. Maybe reach out to some people privately here and talk on the phone.

Don't lose track of your ultimate goal.

Hi all

I'm bh 149 clean

And on way to shull some music popped in and made me mastrubate 

I feel so horrible 
I wanna be honest with my wife but she will get soooo angry 

It was so hard last few days 
And I don't know if I should consider my self sober or not
I just feel so horrible 

Can anyone help me