.אור לז' ניסן תשפ"ד

I'm sitting here as winter zman תשפ"ד winds to an end. Looking back over this zman, I'm amazed at how different this year's winter zman looked from last year's winter zman.

Last year, every bit of spare time was used for porn. I came late to first Seder every day to get in my breakfast time porn. If my kid was sick, I'd quickly volunteer to stay home and watch him so I could get in an extra dose. I always looked forward to Shiur days so that I could go home and indulge. Bein Hasedarim, I used every second I could find watching stuff. I would look forward for weeks to the night my wife would have a wedding and be out all night so I'd be stuck home babysitting and then I'd get in a good 2, 3 hour "seder". Fridays I wouldn't go to Yeshiva at all most weeks so that I could "write notes" or "catch up" on the sugyos. כל זה ויותר הייתי בתקופות של חורבן

All this changed this Zman, ועכשיו שזכיתי לבנות...
I'm pretty confident saying that this Zman was the best Zman of my life. For years upon years my dreams and goals in learning were smashed to pieces due to my struggles. If the first Sugya of the Zman went well, from the second and on I was roasted. My mind was totally and completely occupied with porn and lusting and there was just no room nor time to focus properly on my learning. B'chasdei Hashem, shortly before the beginning of this winter Zman I managed to break free of the tremendously strong grip that the YH had on me. I was finally free to pursue the dreams I've had from before this struggle took over my life.

I had a dream - probably starting when I was in 9th grade - to go a whole winter zman without porn or masturbation. 13 years later, and here I am.

I have always had a dream to put as much time and energy into my learning, yet porn and masturbation got in the way. As the years went on, I slowly but surely gave up on this dream, yet here I am.

I'm completely overtaken with emotion writing this post... Thank you Hashem, thank you chaveirim from GYE, and thank you GYE!

iwannalivereal wrote on 15 Apr 2024 02:35:

Your post is impressive and inspirational. However it would be most helpful if you can share HOW DID YOU DO IT? 

I'm sitting here writing the words "tonight כ"ג אלול is my 1st year anniversary" but I'm having a hard time continuing. I can't see the screen. My eyes keep filling with tears...

I'm sitting here and thinking back over the past 15 years of my life. The pain. The guilt. The shame. The feelings of yiush. The feelings of being a living stira. The feelings of being a faker. The numbness. The lack of control. The lack of motivation. The falls. The big falls. The yiush. All my years in Mesivta. All my years in Bais Medrash. All my years in EY. First 4 years of my marriage. 

What memories. The pain is still so real and so vivid.

And now, I'm thinking back over the past year. The first week of my journey. My first phone call to a GYE member. Getting TBOTG book. Receiving a phone call on Erev Yom Kippur from a new GYE friend that really cared about me. My first clean bain hazemanim since I was born. Meeting a GYE member for the first time. 90 days right around Chanuka time. Making more GYE friends. The slipping and sliding. The ups. The downs. The first clean winter zman of my life. And then the signs. Oh gosh those signs. The first caller. The second. The third. The 30th. The baby. The bris. The 70th caller. And now a year clean!

And more tears...

I'd end off saying thanks to my GYE friends - I couldn't have done it without you. However it's a lot deeper than that. It's not just that I couldn't do it without you, it's that you guys were almost everything in the success I've had.

L'chaim Raboisai!

iwannalivereal wrote on 26 Sep 2024 01:24:

Sitting on the sidelines I’m blown away by your sentiments as you express gratitude as you cross the finish line on the road to victory. As one who is still engaged in battle, it would be helpful to know what was the pivotal point that assisted you in your endeavors? There are multiple features on GYE, surely all were helpful. But undoubtedly you attribute your championship to a dominant component. Please share so that one day we’ll also make a Seudas hodaah, hopefully 

I'm sitting here writing the words "tonight כ"ג אלול is my 1st year anniversary" but I'm having a hard time continuing. I can't see the screen. My eyes keep filling with tears...

I'm sitting here and thinking back over the past 15 years of my life. The pain. The guilt. The shame. The feelings of yiush. The feelings of being a living stira. The feelings of being a faker. The numbness. The lack of control. The lack of motivation. The falls. The big falls. The yiush. All my years in Mesivta. All my years in Bais Medrash. All my years in EY. First 4 years of my marriage. 

What memories. The pain is still so real and so vivid.

And now, I'm thinking back over the past year. The first week of my journey. My first phone call to a GYE member. Getting TBOTG book. Receiving a phone call on Erev Yom Kippur from a new GYE friend that really cared about me. My first clean bain hazemanim since I was born. Meeting a GYE member for the first time. 90 days right around Chanuka time. Making more GYE friends. The slipping and sliding. The ups. The downs. The first clean winter zman of my life. And then the signs. Oh gosh those signs. The first caller. The second. The third. The 30th. The baby. The bris. The 70th caller. And now a year clean!

And more tears...

I'd end off saying thanks to my GYE friends - I couldn't have done it without you. However it's a lot deeper than that. It's not just that I couldn't do it without you, it's that you guys were almost everything in the success I've had.

L'chaim Raboisai!

Mazel Tov hero! But listen buddy, no time for those tears.... Put up more signs and answer more calls.  Recess is over - Back to work!!

All jokes aside. Where's the l'chaim? The pamalia shel ma'aleh will join us there - but they don't drink...