So… after lurking around a while I decided to introduce myself so as to be able to celebrate 2 new milestones that I just reached.

I’m a 27 year old yungerman learning in bmg, and I’ve been struggling with porn and masturbation since I was 12 when I discovered pornography on my parents' (then) unfiltered computer. Since then I’ve been “doing the cycle”, I fall, then I get up with a new stronger kabbalah, and then I fall once again. Throughout my years in yeshiva I had access only when at home during bein hazmanim, and so I would go months during the zman only to fall again, sometimes more, sometimes less soon afterI got home. I remember coming home after learning in EY for an amazing year only to fall within a few days.

In the past year or so my struggle seemed to almost explode and pushed me to do more and more to get what I “needed”. I went from filter to filter, plugging up loopholes only to find newer and better ways around them.

I have had an account on GYE for quite a while, but somehow never managed to figure out how to get the most out of it and to try to give stopping a real hard try. Around Rosh Hashana time I decided to try again with two new things I had never tried before.

The first thing I did was try to get to know some GYE guys by speaking to them on the phone, and wow what a tool. Somehow even with GYE having more than 15 thousand users, until you shmooz around with someone on the phone it’s hard to believe that there are real live people struggling with the same things I’m struggling with. It’s also incredibly satisfying to be able to just say your life story to someone on a phone, to be able to get it out of your system a bit which is way better than just typing the story into a computer. And as a cherry on top to this, I was zoche to meet Vehkam in person, which for anyone following his thread knows how much of a hero and role model he is in this struggle. Meeting someone like that, seeing his face, shaking his hand were so absolutely incredible - I’m still on a high from that 10 minute meeting.

The second thing I did was finally listen to all those people (especially vehkam) screaming about reading the battle of the generation book. Although I had looked at it in the past, after noticing the amount of pages (almost 400) I’d “have to go through '' to get to the finish line, I never made it past page 1. This time I really delved into it and boy was I in for a surprise when time after time the author described just how I was feeling and how to deal with them. The hardest part of the struggle for me had always been motivation, as although I have a nice long list of reasons not to watch porn, I never was able to feel it inside of me, and never had a strong feeling to not act out. Any time that I managed to not watch porn did not feel especially good or exciting, rather it was a missed out opportunity to have an awesome time. Reading how the author describes just this point and has pages and pages dedicated to how to change a person's mindset to be excited to fight and overcome desire has been a real game changer for me. I never would’ve thought that I’d actually want to win more than wanting to enjoy.

And now for the milestones!

The first milestone I have just reached as of this morning is that as the Zman begins, I have reached the end of the first Bein Hazmanim of my entire life that I didn’t fall! Bein Hazmanim is not that long, and I’ve done longer streaks before, but with all that extra time around, no matter how many hours I would spend with a structured schedule, and even with learning a decent first, second, and night seder the roughest times for me had always been Bein Hazmanim. I always had a bad taste in my mouth for Bein Hazmanim time because of what I knew was going to happen. I now have a feeling of confidence like never before!

The second milestone which for me is even greater (and something that I’m realizing now I had entirely given up on ever happening) was that I stayed clean for an entire bein hazmanim and I’m super proud of it! I don’t feel like I missed out on hours of fun that I could’ve had, and I don’t feel as if I forced myself to do it. I feel that for the first time in my life I was able to really understand how much of an accomplishment it is to be able to win even a small battle over my desire. I have tasted for the first time a feeling of real satisfaction and fulfillment, and I hope to be able to continue with this attitude with the help of Hashem and all you guys.

You ARE living real. It's been a pleasure speaking to such an open and truthful person. And it's special to feel how living can be more real...



Keep on trucking, my real friend. Genuine steps, genuine life....



מי האיש החפץ חיים אוהב ימים לראות טוב....



With warm admiration and encouragement,



Chaim

Wow, wow, wow! BEAUTIFUL!!! Beautiful doesn't even begin to describe it! My friend, you are a real role model for all of us here, of being able to take the courageous steps needed to break free. My friend, my heart soars along with you! Keep up the amazing work, and as you go higher and higher, maybe between your 7th and 8th seder you can find a few minutes to be a friend to someone, and help someone else fly as high as you are:)

Wow! Today is the first Friday of the Zman which brings me to an amazing personal milestone.

What's so special about Friday you want to know? Well you see the way Fridays work in BMG is that although first seder goes till the regular time, many babysitters end anywhere from 11ish to 12 or so leaving many guys whos wives are still at work to leave yeshiva early to pick up their kids. Depending on my schedule and my chavrusas schedule, over the past year this has left me with anywhere between 1 to 2 plus hours without a chavrusa. What a wonderful opportunity this was for me to go home and enjoy the peace and quiet of no one being home. I would run to be able to indulge in every second I could lest I wasted even a moment of this precious time to partake in the delights of my life. I would literally look forward to Friday for this opportunity.

Today, with the help of Hashem is the first Friday in at least a year (if not more) that during this time I stayed in Yeshiva and I used every moment for learning! It literally brings tears to my eyes as I look over the last year of Fridays and realize how strong the Y"H had me in his "yeshiva". It's really a tremendous feeling as for years and years I'd daven to Hashem "please I just want to learn, let me overcome my desire for shmutz and be able to sit and learn", and during those tefillos I'd be thinking how although I wish I could just sit and learn, I also really didn't want to sit and learn. I just wanted to sit and watch all that pornography and enjoy myself. I have finally been zoche to a Friday where I honestly was able to enjoy sitting and learning in Yeshiva and not feel that tug of war inside of me to close the Gemara and go home.

​Thank you Hashem for giving me the opportunity today to sit and learn with the sweetest menuchas hanefesh I've ever tasted!

iwannalivereal wrote on 20 Oct 2023 19:17:

WOWOWOW! 
That is unbelievably amazing .
Take this feeling with you  & dont let it go !
KUTGW!

Amazing stuff!  Keep shteiging. This is very inspiring. 

I am deeply touched to read this.

Menucha ViSimcha!!!

My conversation with the Y"H today:
YH: Hey iwannalivereal! Did you see? R' Malkiel is saying Shiur today?!?
IWLR: Yes I saw the sign... pretty exciting no?
YH: Hey so what are you going to do during Shiur?
IWLR: Gonna try to listen as best I can... why?
YH: Oh well you never stay for Shiur!?! You actually haven't stayed for Shiur in more than a year?!?
IWLR: Yea I know but I uh changed a bit... now I stay for Shiur
YH: Oh come on you know you're not gonna follow all the way till the end, you might fall asleep... bittul torah d'rabim as they say no?!?
IWLR: Nah I think I'm gonna stay anyways, thanks for the offer though!
YH: Well you are maskim that there's decent chance of bittul torah right? So why don't you at least go home and learn there?
IWLR: Nah I'm gonna stay.
YH: You can't be serious, why you being so weird?!? You're honestly gonna be mevatel torah just like that? Why don't you at least go learn in the oitzar that way you can learn and stay focused. You won't be distracted by the shiur, you can learn and... if you start getting tired you can always roll home from there?!? Easier than walking out in the middle of Shiur no???
IWLR: Thanks for all your wonderful eitzas but I'm gonna stay.

Postscript - I didn't follow the shiur till the end, I spaced out for a nice amount of time and that's not a specifically satisfying or accomplishing feeling. On the other hand I feel tremendously accomplished that I was able to avoid dangerous areas. I feel amazing being able to come home from Yeshiva with another win on my shoulders, some more zchusim and a huge smile!!!

Nice!! Huge inspiration


   -the guy who didn't go to the shiur

iwannalivereal wrote on 25 Oct 2023 19:28:

YOU ARE AWESOME!
I dont think I ever stayed for shiur in all my years.
The way you shut down YH was perfect 
That smile that you left with - SHOULD HAVE BEEN A GRIN!

I think we have here a classic case of Shnaim Ochzin.
But you yanked yourself out of the other guy's sweaty, clammy grip!
כל מה שתחת יד אדם שלו
You're the MUCHZAK, BABE!!!! - now Keep On Monster Trucking!

Admiringly,
Chaim

chaimoigen wrote on 25 Oct 2023 20:27:

Based on what im seeing there is no Shnaim Ochzin at all.
I see it as Muchzak lgamri. 
MAZEL TOV ON YOUR LATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT!!!!

As redfaced just mentioned... (thanks for those pms and chizzuk!!!)
This past Thursday I did something that to an extent was something that I thought I did not have the strength to do.
As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been doing the up and down cycle for quite a number of years, however after I got married, the cycle changed a bit. When I was a bochur the cycle mainly revolved around Bein Hazmanim and off Shabbosim. Now after I’m married the cycle changed to a filter cycle. I got a laptop soon after I got married, and being that I am well aware of the dangers of the internet and of course of my own personal struggles with it I put a filter on it. Soon however the cycle began and I removed it… fast forward a few weeks, and I put it back on. Then off, then on. I knew there are stronger ways of getting filters installed where it’s harder to uninstall it, but honestly I absolutely did not want that option. Each of these cycles would last a few weeks at most, but recently I somewhat spiraled deeper and deeper and I was without a filter for more than 6 months. A bit before Rosh Hashana I decided once again to try to stop but I still found myself unable to put the filter back on. I was able to kind of force myself to not watch porn, but I couldn’t get myself to put the filter back on. With the help of Hashem, I was zoche to a different type of stopping than I had been doing until now.
Until now everything I did was basically another way of forcing/ strong convincing to stop myself from watching porn. This time with the help of a few new and amazing friends and by reading the battle of the generation book I have been working quite hard at changing deep inside of me. I have slowly been working on building up a desire to not look at porn. Instead of fighting against the intensely strong desire to watch porn by convincing myself of the gains of not watching and of the losses of watching I have been trying to build up an understanding of how the stronger the desire to watch porn is the more of an accomplishment it is to not watch, and the more accomplishing it is the better I feel about myself. Instead of making myself feel good by lusting, watching pornography and masturbating, I make myself feel good by doing something that to me is an extreme accomplishment. Only because it’s so hard do I feel so accomplished and fulfilled. After trying my hardest to live with this mindset over the last month and a half, aside from being able to stay clean for 50 days, I have somewhat changed. Now, instead of feeling deep down that I really wish this Tekufah will end, and when can I go back to my old ways of porn and masturbation, I have a longing and a desire to feel more and more accomplished and fulfilled by overcoming desire. In this mindset I realized that I no longer want to live with an unfiltered device and I therefore installed a filter plus webchaver.

Special thanks to one of my new friends r’ eerie not just for volunteering to be my webchaver, but also for giving me so much time on the phone to give me an amazing dose of chizuk that was needed. Having someone like him to relate to and to shmooz with has really been a big part of me making any headway in this struggle. Meeting him one night for almost an hour was also an amazing experience to put a face to a voice that I had spent hours on the phone with… wow!

I’m moved.
Not “knowing I have to stop smoking” but rather “wanting to be a non-smoker”. Appreciating the value and meaning in being a person who chooses “no” as a positive accomplishment. Great stuff. 
Keep up the amazing work ! 

With admiration, 
Chaim Oigen