chaimoigen wrote on 23 May 2023 23:02:

Thank you for posting this; I also feel hope now, in some ways we are doing this together, even though we are doing it separately. I do not want to mess it up this time. I am actually working on a time to meet a mentor, partly thanks to kinas sofrim from you. (in that sense, even with all the anonymity, this place is real, with real, direct impact. In that sense, we are real to each other).

Reb Chaim, I am blown away! Simply blown away. The tremendous amount of energy you are bringing in here, it's great! Please keep sharing, and please, when the time comes, stick around to share with others. You have an ability to express powerful, true messages in a clear coherent way. And we are all enjoying it! Keep it up!

Chevra,
It's over a month since I started to lurk here. And 8 clean days since my last fall and my first post in this forum.
8 isn't a big number. I'm not proud of it.
But it can have the significance of representing Limaala Min HaTeva.
These 8 days have felt much longer than days normally feel, full of all sorts of conflicting emotions and tumultuous thoughts. New people, new ideas.
I read Vekam's entire thread tonight for a second time.  Malchus Shebimalchus! New thoughts and emotions expressed in Tefilla each day...
I (cautiously) feel like I'm maybe starting on the climb up and out. It's not normal, this feeling of Limaala, all with Siyata Dishmaya and help from you all. Not so lonely anymore. Not out of the woods, but seeing a path. It's a good feeling.

I bought a beautiful new Tallis for Shavuos. Top quality weave, Niputz Lishma, the whole works. 
I want to be standing enveloped in purity and Kedusha as the dawn breaks at the foot of Har Sinai.
I want to feel that there's a new fabric to my life, to my Tefillos, a new texture to my "Lo Sasuru", to my "VeHeyisem Kedoshim".
I felt that special sense when I tried on my new Tallis.
I'm really looking forward to Kabalas Hatorah this year. Will be Davening for all you - please Daven for me. I know there will be big challenges ahead.

Heaven forgive me - if i fall, i'm gonna throw my new tallis in the mud. 

   

chaimoigen wrote on 25 May 2023 01:04:

You dare 

Love Karl (where’s the heart emoji???)

I will leave to others to explain that you should not throw away the tallis and all the hard work even if you slip, but you know all that. So I will just say I hear you and feel with you. I feel like I found a friend in your posts.

Markz wrote on 25 May 2023 01:39:

I feel like I need a translator. Markz, can you spare a few extra words so I can actually understand what you're saying?

So it was a wonderful Shavuos, full of Romemus and learning, Shiurim and Tefilla. I contacted an accountability partner before Yom Tov, and afterwards. 

And I was feeling a bit of resistance to doing that. I was actually feeling down about this in the middle of Davening, about knowing that right after Yom Tov I was going to be sending another text. Had a feeling of: "Am I actually someone who needs to do this constantly? And if yes, (because I do), then it's just so sad, perhaps even pathetic. If I, with my strengths and all that I have BH accomplished, if I still need to constantly use this tool to stay clean, then what am I worth, really?" It wasn't a good feeling at all. 

Then I had a powerful realization: This is exactly what I need.

You see, my personal struggles in recent years have thankfully not been the kind that have resulted in frequent falls. There have been longer and shorter intervals between them, [I don't take that for granted at all, and I work at it, and I don't think that I am better than anyone else who has greater challenges]; but BH - most of the time my inner life matches my outer persona. But I realize that there's a pitfall therein.

You see, I like to see myself only as that Chaim- the leader and Rebbe, the healer who loves to learn, the Talmid Chochom and guide. I try hard not to be a fraud - I view myself and try to be a work in process. But there's a disconnect. A split in my life.  
The "other" Chaim hides in shadow, lurking. Don't like like to think about him. Normally he is only the faint whisper of an unpleasant memory, tabboo. He's a mostly-hidden memory of a painful past, seemingly irrelevant. Don't like to think about him at all. Until he surprises me as being all-too-real, emerging at times of achingness and fogginess, so surprisingly strong for an unpleasant memory, still unbelievably hot and powerful and strong after all these years, still ME. Oy. Ugh. ArGHH. And i have fallen that way, many times, it's an old story. לפתח חטאת רובץ.

But now, here I am today, standing in front of Talmidim, saying Torah, infused with the Kedusha of Shavuos. Davening with inspiration, full of Hallel, thinking truly lofty Machshavos. And I am knowing all the while that I have a new Chaver out there, caring and understanding, who is waiting to hear from me after Yom Tov. To know if I fell or not. Is it an uncomfortable feeling? Yes. Very. I recoil from it, to be honest. But I feel integrated. I feel a wholeness. Because the whole me is standing with awareness, (and humility), in from of Hashem, wrapped in my new Tallis. That's what this site and my new accountability Chaveirim are doing for me. Don't have the right words to thank you yet.

Please forgive a terrible analogy: I no longer want to be a posed and poised, perfectly airbrushed, alluring image of myself. I want to be 3 dimensional and real, all of me fully integrated and aware. Knowing, struggling and working, strengths and weaknesses, challenges and accomplishments, Uvacharta BaChaim - Lemaan TICHYEH - I am Chaim and I want to LIVE. I want to feel the Chaim that is in a life of bechira towards Tov. Making smart choices, acting not reacting, my Neshoma feeling it all. I feel a different texture to the fabric of my life now. Got to keep it up. But, yeah. It's uncomfortable too. 

[Yes, I am aware that many of these points echo Cordnoy's early post. I thanked him already. Thank you again.]

Here's a final thought, maybe a little Chizzuk, it was for me and want to share.

We all called out Naaseh Vinishmah. Joyously proclaiming words of Kabala that the entire universe was waiting for hear!
But then Hakadosh Boruch Hu had to hold a mountain over our heads to get us to finish our Kabala, because it wasn't entirely complete that first time (many different Pshatim in the Meforshim about what was missing). And even that commitment wasn't solidified entirely until after the subsequent Kabala in the time of Purim - Hadar Kibluah. There's a powerful message here, I think:
We see that TRUE Kabalas Hatorah is a beautiful muti-layered thing.
I make Kabalos, and I mean them sincerely. But there is more to do. I am still a work in progress. Here I have learned this: The first Kabala is totally real - the whole universe has been waiting for it, eagerly. Even though there's another Kabala I need to make afterwards. That's a big Chizzuk.

I hope Hashem gives me a lifetime to keep climbing higher. I hope and daven that I don't mess up. That I continue to deepen my relationship with my Neshoma, with Him, with His Torah, to keep making new Kabalos. I want to be a Tzaddik. I am working on it, one step at a time. Maybe I, maybe we together, will actually get somewhere.

Ken Yehi Ratzon.                

chaimoigen wrote on 28 May 2023 16:04:

Wowowowowow! Reb Chaim, what powerful words, there's nothing to add, but just to thank you for those Inspirational and meaningful words,
You are a big part of all of us!!!
Waiting for the next post, you always surprise me.
Thanks a mill
True self.

So beautiful, Reb Chaim! Loved every word!

R' Chaim, you have a way with words that defies description. Eloquent is the closest I can think of but still far too mild. Thanks for sharing your talent with us.   

Chevra Kadisha,
This morning when I said "ובידך כח וגבורה, ובידך לגדל ולחזק לכל" I thought about how fortunate we are.
About holding on to the Rebono Shel Olam, and about how He holds on to me.
I am not constrained by my limitations. With Hashem, I am limitless.
כי בך ארוץ גדוד, באלקי אדלג שור

There's a lot of talk about accepting limitations and weaknesses. And a lot of discussion about having faith in oneself. It's a huge and nuanced, many-layered topic, with so many different shades of meaning and application for each individual. [I know people whose lives were saved by the Steps.]

Here's my thought, just for myself, for today.
It's all true. I accept my many limitations, and yet I have faith that I am rising like the sun.

The Gemora in Kedushin says that the Yetzer is reborn anew each day, with new capabilities and strengths.
" ואלמלא הקב''ה עוזרו אין יכול לו שנאמר אלקים לא יעזבנו בידו "
Without HKBH I will not withstand the onslaught. But if I fight back, and I know in my Neshoma that I can and must, even with all my weaknesses and limitations, then Hashem won't ever leave me alone. Connected to Him, I am limitless. I become more.

I am Chaim, and I am a different person than 15 days ago.

מחיה מתים ברחמים רבים, סומך נופלים ורופא חולים ומתיר אסורים .....

In healing, recovery, and redemption, there is no bricked-up dead end that cannot be opened to the light, no chokehold that can't be loosened; the black dank earth can tomorrow send up soft, moist greenery. We can tap into Techiyas Hameisim each day, with limitless Neshomos, and unlimited help from the Rebono Shel Olam, if we humbly ask and do what steps we can.

In your Hands
ובידך לגדל לחזק לכל
Ken Yehi Ratzon    

chaimoigen wrote on 30 May 2023 15:13:


Bots, it’s official. GYE has been hacked by our trusted government funded ChatGDP.

Fixed.
Indeed. Love how yer payin attention.
I refuse to be Father McKenzie.

So BH I made it through another week clean.
And, if I am going to be honest I feel a little silly writing that, because I don't like to think of myself as a person who has to count each day. But I do, I guess [my count isn't awfully high, is it?], and I am here with all of you, my new friends, and we are growing together.

I want to write about an aspect of how I have gotten triggered in the past.
My falls have generally come when I am emotionally depleted and worn out, usually after encountering a lot of pain. Often it's when I experience other people's pain that I internalize when I try to help them, sometimes when being involved in inherently unfixable situations. Tellling people things they don't want to hear, disappointment and sorrow. When I pour my Neshoma into something and I am frustrated by the inability to accomplish what I desperately need to. 
Add to that physical tiredness and exhaustion, being alone late at night with tired, world-weary eyes.
Then I decide to read some news or an interesting article for a "break", click and click and ugh, you knew how it was going to end. To be honest, I probably did too. 

I know this is very common. Self-regulation, trying to reach for some artificial comfort. Someone recently called it a "pacifier".
But there's something deeper about it that I want to talk about here. I don't know if anyone will relate to this, or if it makes sense to anyone here. I want to write this for myself.
The twisted red haze of hot, fascinating lust is attractive to me at times such as these for how it destroys my feelings. I find the porn disgusting nowadays, even as I am pulled to it. It pulls me while it hurts, its alluring hatefulness like an itch I have to scratch on a wound, even knowing that I will regret it. I see the shrieking hollowness on the corpses while I am watching them, in terrible fascination.
I was exposed to it accidentally when young, like so many others here. And it seared itself into my brain, lurid, toxic, intoxicating images in the heart of a sensitive, sweet Bochur. I did not always find it hateful, believe you me. The conflicts and guilt! Oy! Do I have Rachmanus when I think of myself as a struggling Bochur in Yeshiva!
But I BH did a lot of work and had a lot of help from Hashem. More than I could ever deserve. I grew in many ways. I now have a healthy understanding  and experience of what real intimacy is, BH, a wonderful life, lots of growing. Now I don't want porn at all. Really. 

Except when I don't want to feel anything anymore. Then I have a deep seated itch for it. It think it's a little like jumping off a bridge emotionally, maybe even like jumping off a bridge in Ruchniyus, so I won't be dealing with the pain of caring so much. That sounds completely messed up, doesn't it? 
I think I had held on to it, as an occasional escape of last resort, even though it's was an escape into Gehenom.   
But I think it's different now. I think that is because maybe the reason I could never give it up completely was because deep down I didn't believe that I could. That I could ever be free of the sick, hot, pull of it. Even with all I have accomplished, and all the speeches I can give to the contrary (and have!), I think that I have felt sullied deep down, like I had a sick, permanent connection to Chatas Neurai. And so it remained my drug of last resort. Until now, I have never understood that I had a spot of festering Yeyush deep in my Neshoma, like a cancerous lesion. I'm pretty sure that's where it kept a foothold, all these years.  {I notice that I switched from talking about it in present tense to the past tense - interesting.}

But I saw something new in the soft, understanding eyes of the Tzadik that I met last week. I saw his belief in a different future for me, and something more that I can't really describe. I have found new hope, new Chayim. In the camaraderie of this unbelievable Chevraya Kaddisha here on GYE, in the stories of so many Kedoshim, and so many growing, special people on this site. I now know and believe in the deepest part of me that it's actually possible to let it all go, to wash it all out. To become completely clean.

It's gonna take work. I like hard work. Probably will mess up along the way, I do that sometimes, too. There are going to be times I am going to want to jump off the Ruchniyusdika bridge, and will have to hold on tight.
Maybe, quite possibly, most of this soliloquy is just foolish psycho-bable, and it's really all about the Yetzer Hora.
But, as Cordnoy says, "clean is clean". I believe it's possible now, and so I am going to do it. I am going to become a Tzadik. 
Oy, Rebono Shel Olam, Please help me.....  
Ken Yehi ratzon.  

Thanks for putting it so eloquently. You have a mastery in the written word. You expressed well how I feel. The want to use my pacifier to numb out everything. 

All I need now is to figure out the second half of your post. How to do the hard work...