Sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself…

I’m single in shidduchim, and not having Pas Bisalo is sooo hard!!! I’m deeply craving intimacy and I feel so terribly deprived.

BH BH P is not a nisayon. And for the most part my shmiras Einayaim in day to day life is pretty shtark… but emotionally, not having intimacy… it’s so so difficult.

I daven so hard, I daven so much. I cry and beg Hashem to help me find my shidduch - but to no avail.

What am I to do?

Sometimes I get angry at Hashem. I don’t want to, but sometimes I feel like I can’t tolerate this anymore. “Sigh”…

How could I not lose hope?

Please help!

Hi,

This doesn’t answer it all, but check this out - it adds a perspective

guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/264724-%D7%A4%D7%AA-%D7%91%D7%A1%D7%9C%D7%95

hi, is that a response to 1084 and his pain, or is that a true but useless (in this situation) rant?

Markz wrote on 24 Mar 2023 04:16:

when I click on the link it says: "You do not have permission to access this page"

1084 wrote on 24 Mar 2023 03:58:

Sometimes I feel like if Hashem really loved me, He would’ve found my shidduch by now. He would’ve figured out a way to make it happen.

Sometimes I feel that being in the situation that I’m in - can’t be for my benefit - it just can’t. “Sigh” (all these are the feelings that I’m trying to get off my chest)

Intellectually we can have the discussion “everything Hashem does is for the best… blah blah blah…”  but in so much hurt and pain I’m not in a position to accept it right now. I need empathy and understand, not mussar and reproof, saying “you’re not supposed to be angry at Hashem etc…” a feeling is a feeling and needs to be addressed. Unaddressed deep pain can culminate into a deep deep resentment. besides this nisayon I would say my relationship with Hashem has been pretty solid overall. I learn and daven every day. I take my Yiddishkeit and kedusha seriously… I always talk to Hashem (in my own words) I even have a gratitude journal to nurture that warm relationship with Hashem… but when it comes to the pain of feeling deprived in this area… sometimes my emunah goes out the window… and from one moment to the next I can go from feeling good about Hashem to having deep feelings of hatred… and even anger… feeling that He doesn’t care - bec if He did He would’ve figured it out by now. I hope this is making sense. As you can tell I’m not really editing my thoughts right now… I’m just letting them flow as I go… I guess for now I have nothing else left to say… hopefully someone who will read this post soon will have the right words to soothe a broken Sam’ and weary heart.

I actually came across something that made me cry… it really touched my heart. It’s based off a pasuk in Yeshaya (66, 13)

It is normal for a mother to comfort her child. Here, she is comforting a grown adult, a nation. The consolation of an adult must combine wisdom with warmth and love. She says, "My child, I know you have suffered very much, but it will turn out for the best. I still remember how much I suffered when I gave birth to you, but it was all worthwhile because I had you. Just as my pain ended in happiness, so will yours." Similarly, in the Messianic Era, God will show Israel that its seemingly inexplicable suffering had a purpose, and it gave birth to unprecedented bliss and joy (R' Schwab).

This really moved me. But I still need more. The cumulative pain I’ve endured is indescribable. There were times when I asked Hashem (unabashed) to take my life. My thoughts were… if this is what life is… I’d rather not be here.

I’ve asked Hashem to help me see Him in a positive light, to help me judge Him favorably… I’ve asked for clarity… I’ve asked for s”d… I’ve asked for everything.

I’ve invested an enormous amount in tefilla. (Which all started during corona… but that’s for another time). I can list you maamer chazal after maamer chazal on the power, effectiveness and potency of tefilla… but at the same time having endured disappointment after disappointment - my emunah becomes all mixed up without clarity. Like I don’t know what to believe any more. I believe the torah is emes… but somehow in the back of my mind a lot of these maamer chazals I feel you can’t take them at face value. For example (this might seem a little off topic for a moment) I’ve been given Maaser FOREVER… literally forever. And I often struggle with financial stress. Where’s the GUARANTEE the Gemara promises for wealth… forget about wealth… I’ll be happy with a comfortable parnassah. “ובחנוני נא בזאת” common, you can’t get clearer than that… and yet a person can go through this whole life giving Maaser week in and week out and barely barely see any positive manifestation of this “promise”. I digress… I don’t wanna get carried away with this Maaser example - it was just an example.

How about the famous saying that in a time of shmiras Einayim you Can ask Hashem for whatever you want bec there’s a special Eis Ratzon for tefilla… really?

I’ve done this A MILLION times!!! And I can’t say I’ve seen anything substantial that would indicate the veracity of this chazal. It’s very hard.

(I’ve actually cried my brains out after looking away at something I shouldn’t be looking at… and demanded from Hashem “enough is enough!” We need to get me married… what’s taking you so long??

Typically I would never daven with such עזות, but after this “so called” Eis ratzon that everyone is talking about I feel like it’s either now or never. So I rightfully express myself fully without holding back.

I know there’s Hester panim before moshiach so things may not always be as they seem. But still a promise is a promise. And it hurts when you don’t see the intended results.

I’ll stop writing here… waiting for all the re-assuring and loving feedback/support.

Thanks Y’all

“Sigh”

Brother 1084 you’re carrying a lot of pain.

I want to reach through the screen and give you a hug!!

To someone who is hurting, I’m not sure if I should reply at this time, but since you asked, here goes
1084 wrote on 19 Mar 2023 03:42:


MBJ’s post about Pas Besalo (I linked earlier) is valid although he could have written it a little softer.

You wrote back to me about it with this -
1084 wrote:


I don’t know you, so this may not be relevant. Masturbating weekly + as you shared, I think would meet MBJ’s idea of addict. He’s talking about a non-addict guy like me (and you?).

It comes back to an old discussion on gye and off gye too.

Is marriage going to fix our Porn and / or Masturbation problem?

It’s a good question ;-)

My dear friend, there are many times that words fail. They fail because we have no advice, practical or otherwise, to share. At times like those we just listen. We hear you out. You have a tremendous amount of pain, and rightfully so. When we go to the doctor and he gives a shot, knowing that it is good for us does not take away the pain. My friend, your pain is real. And my heart feels for you. You are our brother, we care for you and we want to see you happy and successful in all you do. My friend, there is nothing wrong with your Emunah if you feel pain. We love you, we want to hear everything that's on your mind, so please share. I have very little to say, but I can listen. I have very little to say, but I can show you I care. Please keep posting, my friend. And come over for a hug sooner than later.

Thank you for your kind words.