I'm a regular guy in a regular yeshiva having the rough time I am assuming most people here are having. I recently cut off all acsess to porn, which is a game changer. And you know what else? I found this cool. For years I have had a funny relationship with my father. I try to avoid him as much as possible. I dorm even though many times I find yeshiva overwhelming and my house is near by. I usally go 6 - 8 weeks at a time without talking to him. He's a great person, but he scares me. About 10 weeks ago I asked my mother to install better filters in the house. It was extremely uncomfertable and I was afraid she would despise me but she really didn't. Since then, our relationship, which was pretty neutral, has blossomed. Now I am so much more at ease in the house I even started schmuezing with my father! As these reelationships get deeper, I am finding a new self confidance, and in addition, the urges have been less intense. Then I feel better about myself and find myself willing to schmuez with my wonderful parents even more! The whole thing is one big positive loop!!!  

Wow! Beautiful! Welcome to the family, my friend! Please share with us, we are brothers here, we care for you, and we want to hear from you. SO stick around, learn the tools, and connect to the chevra. It's beautiful that you took the steps to protect yourself, and the positive changes that happened, simply beautiful! Keep trucking!

woohoo! incredible progress!
tons of your story resonates with me, and it's encouraging to hear the good results you're having from initiating a relationship. thanks for sharing, and hatzlacha in everything.
also welcome back

I WILL wrote on 23 Mar 2023 21:29:

AMAZING!

An ounce of discomfort gained you tons of pounds in return - Wow!

Hey Eerie, I always see you using that expression (you almost end every post with that)  but I never understood the reference. I actually never even saw that expression until I came here to GYE... pls fill me in

1084 wrote on 24 Mar 2023 03:51:


DIESEL is expensive. Sure you wanna do this?

Alright, see here for more :-) https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/23-Just-Having-Fun/84252-GYE-GLOSSARY-OF-TERMS

Welcome! Thanks for joining us. Keep posting and keep sharing. We're all in it together and we're here for you. Feel free to reach out and connect with the oilam here. 

Hi. First of all thanks to everyone for the acceptance here. I was super nervous about posting, and everybody was really nice. I sorta left out a ton last time though. About 3 - 4 years ago, during the pandemic I totally lost control. Of everything. I guess I'm a people person and just couldn't handle it. Besides for tremendous amounts of porn, I started jogging a ton. I would jog down to the non-Jewish slummy section of town where nobody would mask, I would take off my yarmulka change, my clothing, and get to know the goyish chevra there. I never told anybody. I got super depressed and hated myself. I would sleep outside on benches or in public parks. My parents thankfully never asked where I was. I probably would have blown up at them. At this point, porn was my biggest tool for numbing my emotions. Eventually I found that cutting works way better. For about 6 months I was cutting myself until my arm was a crisscross of scars. I still never told anyone, and kept my sleeves rolled down when I was home. Eventually we went back to yeshiva and I couldn't deal. It was to stressful to be around normal people and have normal conversation. I left yeshiva early and went to be a counselor in camp, a job that I love. The first day I was helping shlep the luggage, and realized one arm couldn't carry anything heavy. That scared me. I promised myself I would stop cutting. And I did. In camp it was easy. And nobody knew. I was the star counselor. The head counselor called me to his office one day and asked me to be color war general. Before I could respond he grabbed my arm, and told me the scars don't look like normal scratches. He gave me the "I get it" look and has been my mentor since. I haven't cut myself in 2 or so years and the scars are faded or gone. I haven't visited my old "friends" down town. But now I'm on to the next step. Dealing with the under lying emotions and quitting p&m.  My access to porn is cut off now, and I am learning to accept myself. I am growing and hope to one day tell my parents. Sometimes its hard but anything is better then the self hate and the consequent lack of all feeling. I'm still a normal guy in yeshiva and still a rocking counselor. I think I can do this. I amaze myself all the time and have tremendous Hakras Hatov to Hashem, to my parents, Rabbeim, and friends. I have reached a good place and am moving forward. Thanks for all the help!

I WILL wrote on 05 Apr 2023 18:18:

You are one amazing guy.  It may seem daunting but one day you will look at all this in the rearview mirror. Take everything that you have gone through and use it as a catalyst to continue growing.   Thank you so much for posting.

I WILL, your story is one of the most incredible displays of self-awareness and inner strength that I've read in quite some time. Unbelievably inspiring. Keep up the amazing work!

i will, i'm sorry for everything you've gone through, it's a lot.

i continue to be amazed by your strength and determination to move on. you are an inspiration.
keep up the good fight, we're rooting for you!