hitting 5 months of sexual sobriety in a week from today. haven't gone longer than 6 months (i think ever) hit 6 months before my last acting out spree ( a month over the summer) 

i feel like i am getting more healthy but also feeling fear about uncharted territory of long term sobriety. doesn't make much sense to me but that is how i feel. 

Sobriety date August 21 2024 in SA
June 4 2023 in AA

ilovehashem247 wrote on 14 Jan 2025 14:17:

I can totally relate! Almost feels like it doesn't fit... Self sabatoge is a classic characteristic of addiction. Also, fear of the unknown, plus "that's not really me, who am i kidding"... rooting for you!

I'm feeling very overwhelmed, progressively so since my very successful therapy session yesterday (following a Ray of Hope meeting the day before). Ray of hope facilitates support groups for Jewish people who were sexually abused and we meet every two weeks. 

I put the (somewhat vague) details of this memory in a collapsible section below. Mods, if this is a trigger for anyone please let me know and I will edit, rather than just delete it. journaling on this thread helps me get a picture of my recovery journey. Thank you. 

Trigger warning - wrote it as vague as possible, but proceed with caution.  

I feel like there is a heavy weight on me and an emotional exhaustion from today's therapy session. It is difficult to bear, but I know that the only way past this pain is through. I'm still hopeful for my future and willing to do whatever it takes to heal.

If I found out that my actual child experienced something like this, I'd be furious and take immediate and aggressive action. 
Since this incident is many years in the past, what I need to do now is to be kind and compassionate to my inner child. 
I was only a child... as far as I can remember, I did not talk to any adult about this. I did not ask for help, tell my mother or father or teacher that something strange happened to me. My entire "sex talk" from my parents was them giving me a book about puberty when I was 13 or 14 with a note. I was ashamed, yelled at them, threw the book out, then took it out of the trash when my parents had gone and masturbated to the drawings of boobs and vaginas. 

P.S. I finished step one in SA, I've been working it with my sponsor using a workbook called "The Gentle Path" by Patrick Cairnes. I read, underlined, wrote, and checked off all 112 pages until the end of the chapter on step 1 - a third of the entire book. 

Celebrating 5 months of SA sobriety today. 

Mods, please let me know if any edits are needed - do not delete if someone is triggered as this forum helps me journal and organize / review my thoughts.

ILH.

You’re amazing for doing the hard work. KEEP IT UP!!! 



Mods please be fair and if someone claims to be triggered, please ask them if they are in the 90 day clean league.

If not, who’s to say this is much different than 1000 other triggers they encounter which the world is is full…

my 3 year old had another febrile siezure today. 
I showed up and took him to the hospital
was able to focus on him and not steal second looks at nurses - pretty crazy how revealing scrubs are these days...

feeling like i need to regain control - in the past this would be a major trigger to act out and/or get high/drunk

I'm here for my family today. doing a step 6 and 7 on it - i recognize that i have these character traits that make me want to both run away and also control when i feel overwhelmed, and i'm giving it up to G-d. 

I spoke with a member about my previous post about my first [& highly traumatic] sexual experience. 
he suggested that a child doing something to another child against their will still is molestation. being children doesn't take away from the one being acted upon experiencing this interaction against their will 

food for thought.

Could be that legally it is not considered molestation being that the perpetrators were minors, however, let's face the facts. This was not a mutually agreed upon encounter, nor was it a story where two innocent kids were playing doctor and accidentally discovered sexual responses. You were tricked by two kids who knew exactly what they were doing. They somehow convinced you (tricked you) into getting undressed and proceeded to do something to your body that was gross and confusing to you. You were very vulnerable, and you were violated. Your body responded in a way you didn't know existed. My assumption is that they somehow manipulated you to make sure you wouldn't tell any adults what had happened. Although these two young girls had no idea at the time that they may have damaged you emotionally in a very deep way, that's exactly what they did.

The good news is now you are beginning to understand why you have specific urges and fantasies - and that has a great calming effect. "I am not a freak that was born with a damaged psyche. I was molested and that explains my strange behaviors. I will b'ezras Hashem recognize that, thus lower the panic, accept it, and move on. I can learn to step away from these desires which now do not awaken fear in me. They will diminish and disappear".

Hatzlocha buddy. Your courage resilience patience and enormous hishtadlus in dealing with this parsha are finally paying off.

Your resilience and the hard work you are doing is an inspiration. 

Working through and understanding the pain you experienced and the effects it had on you is crucial. To precisely understand how much blame is to be attributed to the children who caused it, or to whoever caused damage to them, is probably less important, as has been said. But working through your feeling about the whole story is really important. 

As HHM wrote, having an awareness and understanding of what happened to you is a critical step in finding healing. The other incredibly important work you are doing in the Program is also. 

May Hashem hold you and help guide you to a place of inner and outer peace. 

Chaim 

Dear ILH,
I dont dare to claim that i understand what you are going thru. Its just amazing that you are doing all of this work. You will look back one day at your past self and be amazed how much you achived and how strong you have become because of this struggle. 
The saying "What doesnt kill you makes you strong" Doesnt just apply to physical illness, its actually more applicable to Spiritual and Psychological health. 

I might not have experienced what you had, BH for that, but i still have a tough childhood in a lot of way. I was also forced to show someone my stuff as a very young child and afterwards i was convinced that hes telling everyone about it and laughing about my anatomy..................... i was 7!

Anyways, I was unable to read your story as i am too vulnerable today. But I wish you lots of Koach and May Hashem really and truly be there for you and show up when you seek Him. 

Love
Chany

chancy wrote on 30 Jan 2025 16:00:

????!!!!!!

gevura shebyesod wrote on 30 Jan 2025 21:26:

Stan, I think Chany is Luna in Yiddish.