had another EMDR therapy session today. 
started working on the topic of the tutor who i know something went down with
i experienced the entire range of emotion in that session, now finally feeling some RAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEE for the first freaking time that i was used, groomed, betrayed and MOLESTED by a woman about 4 years older than me (starting from 14 to 16 and a half)

instead of F-ing me, she should go F herself.

where were my parents? 

what idiot kind of a mother hires an attractive college freshman woman to drive around her teenage son day and night? and to help him with schoolwork? 
the son  that flashed a cleaning lady when he was 12 and offered her money? 

!!!!!!!!!

ilovehashem247 wrote on 04 Feb 2025 21:16:

Sorry to hear all the valid anger.
I’m with you bro!!!!!!!

Please fix you’r signature asap “Just getting over a case of mild insanity here...”

You sound pretty sane to me

feeling fat and achy and bad for myself today
not a good sign
need to read some stepwork literature and make lots of calls today.
maybe gym too...

overall feeling like I've shifted to living in the solution instead of living (and becoming) the problem. 
my drugs of substances and lust worked for me until they did not

i am grateful to be able to make sober choices today. 

for example, a web service i use was showing / promoting all kids of really weird woke articles about very liberal sexual topics. i got upset, filed a complaint, told my wife, and found a different service provider. 

that was a sober choice

kol hakavod to me

also just wanna share that I am SO HAPPY that our regular cleaning lady is back from her maternity leave. 

her temp replacement was not modest and kept bending over and shooting me looks. I might be imagining it, but at this point I am not constantly looking for lust but know it when I see it around me. That lady was looking for something, and i must trust my instinct on that. 

Regular cleaning lady behaves and dresses much more modestly (and also doesn't drag furniture on the wood floors).

Finally!

Hey @ilovehashem247, I just read the last few pages of your thread, and I'd like to express how much I support and admire you. Your journey is nothing short of a complete demolition and rebuilding ground-up job.

And you're doing it.
You're showing up.

I appreciate how you journal every step of the way, allowing others to glimpse what such a journey might entail. The confusion, the blank memories, the microscopic revelations that turn into gargantuan monsters, the anger and sadness, and finally, the small but steady steps forward, the acceptance of self and reality.

You are creating yourself, and for that, you are Godlike.

I wish you the strength and patience to continue forging ahead.

Dear Mr. T, 

Thank you for your encouragement and nice words. It's nice to hear it from outside my own head (where I can doubt myself). 

I am happy to help others by sharing my experiences. But if we're being honest here, I am happiest to be helping myself  

my wife was having a hard day today so i told her to go to our room when she got home. she was attacking everyone (so unlike her) and i was trying to sort out with her which kid should do what shabbat job, and she kept being so agressive and picking on all of us - just being so mean! so i told her just go lay down and take your regular 2-3pm friday afternoon break from now (12:50)

she burst out crying and ran to our room

i am so confused. 

Hi ILH, how was Shabbos and Sunday? Is she ok? Are you ok?

thanks for checking in. we spoke about it. i think it was a good thing - she allowed herself to feel her feelings. 
we have been talking it out, and i owned my curtness and she owned her non communication
we're growing in being able to feel feelings. 
Sunday was nice - both busy with half the kids at different simchas, today we chatted a bit more (traveled a bit for work - usually i work from home). 
Going to sleep soon and if she's awake will have some pillow talk

life is busy and challenging but i do not need to run away from feelings anymore

heard a great line: feelings are like children. you do not want them driving, but don't want them stuffed in the trunk either. They should just come along for the ride. 

Dear ILH,

Great post as usual. SO real............. 

I agree with you 1000%. Emotions should never stay tucked away and left to fester. They need to be aired out so they can heal. 
Every misunderstanding can be resolved pretty easily if people would not let it fester but rather confront it and talk like adults. 

Im happy that you are growing, its amazing to watch. 

amen to that. 
are you by any chance Chancy's brother from Hong Kong?

Your work and perseverance is incredible.

ilovehashem247 wrote on 18 Feb 2025 03:27:

Love that line.

ilovehashem247 wrote on 18 Feb 2025 13:58:

Crap! You caught me..............now i gotta change my name............

Actually, I AM CHANCY2.0(as in Gandalf the white.............) 

Im still here alive and kicking...........
I like to see others doing well.

Good luck stay sane and pure out there. 

So I just got home from a wedding located about an hour and a half's drive from my house. 

I'm good friends with the chattan + his brothers. I walked in at 9pm (planning to leave at 10 with my wife), and saw the leader of the cult I used to be a part of (the man who has been threatening, intimidating, and harassing me since December 2022) sitting there with his sons and students (about two round tables). 

about 30 minutes into my stay, two of the chattan's brothers come up to me and tell me to follow them. we walked to a side room in a quiet area of the hall and they told me, shaking and about to cry, that the "Rosh Yeshiva" (read: "Rosh-In-His-Butt") demanded that I leave the wedding hall immediately, or else he will make a big scene and storm out with his crew.

The brothers kept apologizing and saying that they do no know what to do, they want me there but also do not want a scene. they even tried convincing me to agree that the chattan should come out of the yichud room early to dance with me (i had to leave at 10 to get home in time for the babysitter to get home when we promised). I insisted that they should not do that and to let him enjoy the time with his wife. 

i explained to them some background of how the crazy man had been harassing me and building a delusional story for the past few years. I walked in and looked him in the face, and after speaking to the brothers went back in to the hall, and looked him in the face (he didn't look my way). I didn't "accidentally" bump his chair, nor did i make a comment or send a message. 

I was free tonight. free of people pleasing, free of fear of people - the Big Book promise of "fear of people and of financial insecurity will leave us" really came true for me tonight. i texted a bunch of people what happened. i reached out to my support network. I told my wife that I am aware that my M.O. is to slip into victimhood and self pity and indulgence, so I asked her not to have sex with me tonight even if I insist (need to ask sponsor if that was the right move, but she's exhausted anyway). 

I was even able to be mochel - still think the guy is a wild animal - because I cannot live a sober life today if I am carrying a bitter and toxic resentment in my heart. 

I really lived the program tonight - used the tool of pausing before speaking and acting in order to refrain from dumb and impulsive behavior. 

I was the bigger man tonight, and although i did feel a bit uneasy, I am lucid and am going to sleep sober. 

I did not drink tonight
I did not drug tonight
I did not lust tonight
I did not cruise tonight
I did not fantasize sexual or revenge thoughts tonight

I won tonight!