30 days... WOW!!!
No chiddushim here... just talking to myself... (but you are invited to join...)

If there is one thing I have learned so far on my journey its that all (at least most) of my problems start when I look.

When I keep my eyes to myself (kind of how we tell our kids to keep their hands to themselves...) I don't usually run into crazy problems.

When I start looking around all the problems start.

Its really crazy... Bh I don't have any internet access at all besides for when my wife opens up the laptop, and I don't live near the beach... yet there are many many things that come up all day... I realized that there are kind of 2 things here at play....
The 1st thing is, 'helping the yetzer hara'. When we go through a bad situation he doesn't need our help... simple as that. That's why we put filters in (and then ultimately I locked the whole computer) and got rid of my smartphone years ago etc....

The second thing is
(The oilam talks about it here a lot but I'm talking to myself so hey I'm gonna say it again)
Viewing women as people whom have lives and families and not as objects of lust.
That is something I really need to work on, together with not looking at all. But really not looking at all, is the same thing.. because, I want to look cuz of an overwhelming crave to 'lust' at the woman next to/in front of me (In the park, grocery store, bagel store, coffee shop etc...) BECAUSE I view her as a 'person of interest' instead of a random stranger whom happens to be a woman. 
If I DON'T check out if her clothes are covering everything properly or if lace sheitel is really a problem etc.... nothing is going to happen to me, and if I DO make sure everything is under control with her... I have just brought a random stranger into my lust life and imagination, which I am fervently trying to end. Think of her as a person who is probably a good wife to someone else and none of my business.
Moral of the story is that all roads lead to Rome and the YH will try any excuse in the book to get me to look (and sometimes is successful...) but its just not worth it... It backfires every time. 

Keep it up!!! 

Mazal Tov on 30 days! How are you celebrating?

Im gonna pound Ice cream after the fast...
maybe a lchaim also otherwise just trying to keep busy till the fast is over...

40 days clean bh!
Chazarah of how I have made it this far
(which is still the plan for the future)

Things I have learned on my journey that work...
Keeping my eyes to myself for my own good.
Viewing women as people.
Taking every day one day at a time.
Remembering during a struggle that 'I really dont want it'
Agav... Random thought that was floating through my head...
Theres a lot of talk about 'being done' with the parsha and 'being stuck deeling with these issues for the rest of my life'
It may be wrong to compare but I was thinking that its really similar to 'The Machalah' in many ways.
They need rigourous treatment in the beggining and as much as its a huge relief when someone is finally better... he is never really done with it. He needs to go to checkups every few months in the beggining, then every year for the rest of his life basically... and he is always going to be high risk for a relapse. 
Take it or leave it...

Amazing job!



Regarding your point of "being done," I believe that the sexaholic oilam is simply looking for a "breather" here and there from the yetzer; it is a fair request from HKBH....but if he does not grant us that, we can accept that as well.



If it is my fate to struggle my whole life, that's OK. 

אמר רבי חייא בר אשי אמר רב תלמידי חכמים אין להם מנוחה לא בעולם הזה ולא בעולם הבא שנאמר ילכו מחיל אל חיל יראה אל אלהים בציון - ברכות סד

IMG

 

I forgot to mention 2 other big things for me...
These are things more for in the moment...

1) I try to make it as many steps as possible to get from 0-60.
This sometimes works with time but (for me)  it works better with steps.
(I used to go sometimes straight to the john after only a moment of a really strong urge...)
Now I make myself go through many steps first. 
First I gotta pull out of the driveway then get to the stop sign then make the turn  (then get stuck in lakewood traffic...) etc. then get to the ramp THEN maybe there's the highway...

Somewhere along the way I can distract myself and it passes.
AND Hashem usually sends me a helicopter or a lifeboat and saves me. Which is my second thing

2) Watch and listen for Hashem. He usually comes to help me but I try to push him away in the moment. (Like the time my wife called me THREE times while I was (trying) to look at something on my phone... I knew that Hashem was right there trying to help but I wasn't interested...)
When Hashem gives me a hand... Take it.

Ish MiGrodno wrote on 07 Jul 2021 04:17:

I hear... What I was trying to say was not so much about the daily struggle per se... more about the concept that we are all 'high risk patients' and its something that we will at least be DEALING with for the rest of our life to some degree. We can and should daven that we wont have to struggle, and for sure not 'suffer'. But we will always have to be on high alert, more than other people because we are still high risk.

Halfway to 90!
I would like to thank Hashem for helping me reach this point, without Hashems help I would be nowhere...

Trying to stay firm with (not) looking at woman... I have been getting a little lax about it. Also I kind of convinced myself that I'm getting better at viewing woman as people. (and I need practice...) 

I don't need practice... I just want to look...

I am not allowed to stare (gaze) at woman, because the torah says so. (and because it makes my mind go to funny places where I really don't want to be...)

There are ways to have a normal conversation with a woman using the proper tools and with the proper mindset... but thats not what I am doing...

I need to be better. (not gonna be perfect... just need to try harder to be better)

But 45 days clean aint nothin to sneeze at and its definately the longest streak I've had since I started!

Amazing.
I'm so happy for you!
Congratulations!

Keep it up!

50 days just came and went (today is 53 BH)

BH I feel that I am holding in a much better place.

Still... I struggle when I see regular normal women in the street.

Its still really hard for me to turn away when someone pretty passes by.

Today for example I was walking somewhere and there was a guy discussing something with a woman whom happened to be very pretty and well dressed (Not even dressed immodestly).  I just stared at her for a second or two, and had to literally peel my eyes away.

Then the thoughts started flooding in...

1) How come I cant just turn away?? 

2) What is wrong with me?? How can that guy have a normal conversation with her... and me... I practically have a heart attack??

3) Will I ever be able to have a normal conversation with a pretty woman?

4) After I actually was far enough... all I was thinking about was how she looked, and how I want to look back, and the thoughts of wanting to see her again mingled with the thoughts of how crazy I am...

( I know all the literature... Its the putting into practice that I gotta work on) 



Thanx for listening



 

So like a month ago I wrote that I had a really hard day...
I was lying!!!
THAT was an easy day!
Of course there are the regular ups and downs...
 But today was different.
I used to have a lot of trouble on days when I wasn't busy and my wife was at work the whole day. Now I try to make sure that it doesn't happen that often.
Anyways I have a job for bein hazmanim and I'm usually very busy and by the time I get home I'm exhausted and feel very good about myself. Friday though I don't have work...
So as soon as I dropped my wife off the old 'auto play' thoughts started pouring in... 
'Now I'm gonna go home... relax a bit... get comfy... find some stuff.. and enjoy a little...'
Every part of my house was another triggering thought or memory... When I was doing errands all I could think of was I can't wait to get home and... As if it was part of my schedule today!

WOW 
'Don't you remember??'
'I changed!'
'I don't do that anymore!'
'HELLO?? ANYONE HOME??'
I'm not even being home for shabbos so I couldn't be busy making food etc...
Anyways BH I made it through till I had to pick my wife up. (not without a few stares at a couple of things I usually would at least have tried to turn away from... but hey t'was pretty good all in all)
Have a good shabbos guys! Without you this post would look a lot different...

Moments ago...
So I used to not trust myself at all with computer... (only my wife knows the code and she makes sure to turn it off before she leaves anywhere.)
But the other day we decided that it would be ok as long as it was whitelisted (we used to have just regular gentech)... Its Bein Hazmanim and I'm on GYE more etc. when she not around...
 Anyways...
My wife left for a while and I couldn't help but search around the little that I could... 
So I think I learned something new about myself...
As much as I think I have GROWN in this area I'm still DOA If alone with any access.
Luckily for me (Thank you Hashem) my wife came home before anything too crazy happened.
Another thing I learned (I kind of knew this before, but this is the first time since joining GYE that its been reconfirmed) is that there is no "going halfway". Once I start it's almost impossible to stop. The trick is to never play with fire. The YH told me to just look a bit... Nothings gonna happen. I listened to him... I told myself that I for sure wont 'touch'... Lo and behold  a few minutes later...
Was only saved cuz the wife came home.

P.S. Should I get my wife to lock the computer again? I assume the answer is yes... But maybe I rely on the fact that I don't have any access, a little too much?
Any suggestions?

BTW 63 days!
still hangin in there!

Today again having trouble...
Went to dentist (not Jewish place) and they had some magazines...
Why am I here? I have come so far. Why am I doing this?

I'm not doing this for the streak, although it has saved me before.
I'm not doing this to prove anything, although it does prove many things.
I'm not doing this to gain recognition from others, although I do get recognition for it.

I'm not doing this cuz it makes me 'feel good', I'm doing this cuz it makes me 'happy'
I'm doing this for myself because I'm sick and tired of living in a 'hamster wheel'.
I'm doing this because if I continue how I was living before, I will hate myself when I go to sleep, and hate myself when I wake up.
I'm doing this for my life, and my relationship with my wife (not for her per se, rather for MY relationship WITH her...).
I'm doing this because the alternative takes over my life.
I'm doing this so that one day I will be able to have a working relationship with a woman  in a healthy kosher way.

So simple...

Now that everything is clear I probably wont struggle again...
How come I can never remember this in the moment...