gettingthere9 wrote on 04 Jun 2021 20:24:
So a little about myself...
Sorry if this is a really long post but this is the first time really i am sharing anything about my struggles with anyone so i am trying to write this all in one sitting.
i learn Lakewood I am married and have two kids all amazing and wonderful. I have been struggling with masturbation for a few years and have had different tekufos where i was watching movies and had a pretty much unfiltered phone.
I come from a pretty sheltered background and never knew how to really act out before i got married and never really tried.
I definitely fantasized about it (a lot)...
I was (and still am) a really good boy and always struggled with the good me and the bad me. I thought during high school that maybe i really had it much harder than anyone else (like that was my tafkid in this world type...) and others had an easier time.
Anyways i got rid of my smartphone by one of the asifos and committed to being better at watching my eyes but soon realized that my mind was just as much of the problem as i was fantasizing all day.
Seems that the imagination can bring you much further with real frum girls somehow...
Obviously when i had easy access to the internet there was a completely different issue but now i was looking around much more and i guess trying harder to find stuff (cuz it wasn't easy anymore).
Lots more to say... anyways i never watched porn ever. and never acted out at this point.
After i got married I kind of realized that i could do it on my own...
Then one day i tried it...
and in all went downhill from there...
I never heard it talked about ever(I think i can confidently say EVER). I knew it was 'wrong' i knew it was probably assur but nothing else and i didnt know that it would be something i would be dealing with for a long long time... I didnt know any consequences at all. I didnt even try to stop in the beginning.
The day i tried to stop was when i realized that i had a big problem...
I tried and tried.... and got very frustrated that i couldn't stop and something always triggered me to do it again.
I made many Kabalos and as you guys probably well know... they dont work. The yetzer hara always chills on the back burner for the first little bit and makes you think that 'you got this' this time and then suddenly i'm back to square one...
I saw the advertisements for GYE in shul and in yeshiva and signed up for the emails which really helped to some extent. (btw great ads but at the time i got turned off on the website cuz the home page was 'Are you addicted to porn' or something and i definitely was not)
This year before Rosh Hashana instead of making kabalos not to do it again i was mekabel 3 things based on a vort i read during aseres yemei teshuva (maybe for a dif time)
1 i will learn musser every day
2 I will actually rad the boosts every day
3 I will actually get help if i really cant figure it out this year
So here i am... The musser helped a lot and so did the boosts.
what used to be a daily thing ( multiple times) now is isolated (every few weeks) and i generally act out only once and can get right back up.
But i'm not improving and i haven't really grown stronger because i didn't have any tools.
Now i hope to be able to grow and be in a place where i can feel happy about where i am and that the daily struggles of my mind and my eyes can get under control with the right help and support. until now i just pushed myself hard for days or weeks now i hope to learn how to change my attitude and mindset.
Wow, sounds like me!
Although we each have our own stories, I relate to a lot of what you wrote. Learning in Yeshiva while looking at garbage and masturbating is a killer for mental and emotional health. It feels so hypocritical, it makes me crazy.
Also, the way this topic is portrayed in Yeshiva is not conducive to opening up about it and the isolation, I think, is the most difficult part of it. At least where I was, they tried to freak the living daylights out of us, all the while, only hinting to what they were referring to. No one offered to speak with us if we had an issue, and none of us would speak up, because we didn't want to be looked at as
reshaim. Whatever, not the time now for blaming.
90 days helps with rewiring the brain and for motivation to get started but it's not the ultimate goal. The goal is to become a different person. It helps to make a list of all the pros and cons of acting out versus being free, really being honest (it does feel good, it does relieve stress, at least temporarily etc.). Write down long term versus short term pleasure.
Another point to ponder is, what would be if there would be no issur in the Torah to masturbate and fantasize? Is this just a Torah and G-d thing or is it affecting your life in other ways?
Either way, thanks for sharing and keep on posting, and most of all, never give up! You may not get it on the first try, most don't but if you stick with us, you will succeed with Hashem's help.
All the best,
Wilnevergiveup