Welcome! Always a chizuk to see someone new starting their journey. Wishing you only success in this battle!

thanks btw guys i'm still clean 

Mount whitney wrote on 11 Mar 2021 01:53:

That's great!!
Keep it up!

About the change of looks. Ive had only one child so far, but I look at it as a Major mesira on my wife’s part. Imagine being nauseous and tired for 9 months and feeding the baby for months afterwards. It’s really hard. And the stretch marks and the weight is all her mesiras nefesh for your family. Think about your children and how much you love them and let that me Directed towards your wife.    

i hear what you are saying, but at the same time it could be hard to sleep with someone you are not attracted to. which gets me frustrated jealous and god knows what else. i need tips on how to control myself from looking at others.

Lust is the desire to have that which is not ours. We tell ourselves, "If only I had it, I would be happy." Once we do have it, it is now under our belt and part of us and therefore not special anymore. If we truly understood this, we would not run after lust.

Shlomo Hamelech says in Mishlei (9 17): מַיִם גְּנוּבִים יִמְתָּקוּ וְלֶחֶם סְתָרִים יִנְעָם - "Stolen waters are sweet, and hidden bread is pleasing". Rav Avigdor Miller, ztz“l, explains the reason for the sweetness – because it’s not yours. When a glass of that glistening, sparkling water is handed to you and is honestly yours, suddenly the magic is gone and it’s quite tasteless. Much of the allur is simply because it is forbidden.

my night kollel is having a gettogether for the end of the zman problem is i am attracted to several of my friends wives there will definitely be some sort of mechitza there but you know how it goes... any eitzos,chizuk etc. ? thank you (btw still clean)

Mount whitney wrote on 14 Mar 2021 18:29:

We all want to celebrate your gevura against the yetzer hara, so please come back after the event to tell us how it went and it will be a great chizuk for all of us. While you're there, think about us, do you want to let us down? we need your chizuk!
Another idea is to setup some kind of reward that you'll treat yourself if you keep strong.
Of course the most important step is to daven to Hashem before the event that he should help you do the right thing and stay clean. 

Looking forward to hear your success! 

the problem is what am i supposed to tell myself my wife is prettier?(she's not) how do i cope with the thoughts, even if i dont actually look, they are still there. thank you so much

Mount whitney wrote on 14 Mar 2021 19:04:

Think about this:
By gazing at other "nicer" women, you'll just be causing yourself more pain. 
There's really nothing to see - It's only imagination. It's just a דמיון - an imagination running wild. Rav Yisroel Salanter said that imagination is our greatest enemy. It makes us think of nothing like it's something. But it's nothing at all.

If you accept upon yourself to guard your eyes and not look lustfully at women, it will be hard at first but it will free you from the torture that you put yourself through when you look. As the pasuk says והיית משוגע ממראה עיניך אשר תראה.

Also, you can think about this:
One who is careful to guard his eyes will be worthy to have abundant parnassah in an easy manner. This is because all of the pain and difficultly a person endures when he overcomes the tremendous temptations of ‘shemiras einayim’ will stand for him as a merit, and this will greatly lessen the pain and difficulty that may have been decreed upon him as necessary to earn a living, and this tremendous reward is poured down upon him and his progeny from Heaven!

Keep strong! 

Mount whitney wrote on 14 Mar 2021 19:04:

There will always be someone prettier than your wife. The point is not that your wife is the prettiest, the point is that pretty isnt everything. Women are not an object that you use for your enjoyment. And you always want the prettiest. They are humans which you connect to be giving to them, sharing with them, and having a life together. 
when you are close emotionally, as a result of that you share a physical connection. But you dont use them because you want them etc 
so your friends wife is just not yours. You dont have nothing with her, you never gave anything to her, and you have no connection. You have nothing to do with her. 
Forsure you havto work not to look on them, but most importantly we havto work on our mind to stop thinking of a woman as an object, why the hell should you think of being with a woman that you gave nothing to? She is not here for display... she has a life, and is a human just like you are, she has kids, jobs, worries, and let's not put her into something as small as her appearance.
it takes tie to change our mindset, porn etc thought us to view every woman as a sex toy, which is there for our enjoyment, to view sex as a selfish and physical pleasure act without any connection. We need to rewire our brains to see it all in the right way.

Mount whitney wrote on 14 Mar 2021 19:04:

Hi, welcome again. I think we briefly chatted on the intercom thingy. Regardless, allow me to rant for a moment, but hopefully short.

Firstly, imi anochi b'tzarah - for years - just take a look at my two threads.

Secondly, this is a topic that I have spoken to many fellows about over the years, and several of them in the past few months.

Let's start with Rashi from the Tanchuma in Vayakhel. There might be several girsaos, but one says: the women brought mirrors to their husbands and looked together; she said, "I am prettier than you," - he said, "I am prettier than you," and that brought them to tayvah, etc. I'm not big into usin' the Torah, especially the history part, to compare or contrast to nowadays, but this is seemingly pretty weird! No? If we'd be writin' it, or scriptin' the story, we'd say, I think - she said, "look at me; I'm so much prettier than Zevulun's wife," and maybe he'd counter with his looks or somethin' else, but the story we have is kinda bizarre.

Be it what it may, I see one thin' (and I actually saw this even in a different pshat in rashi, but it might not be the accurate one), and that is that the husband/wife got together and communicated about looks and appearances, and this promoted love, desire, intimacy and sex. Now there must've been some overweight women there, and there must've been some obese men, and some were bald, and some had crooked noses, and others probably were flat chested, and I'm sure some had bad breath and some were missin' teeth, etc., but somehow, they all came home with their own spouses and made passionate love.

My message: there are prettier women out there, many are sexier and wear nicer clothin', but there is one thin' about your wife that only she has, and no other model, baalabaste, perutzah, shiktzah, knock-out, has, and that is that she is yours and only yours. Every inch of her body, even the fattier portions are yours and nobody else's. Yes, it's important to get clean somewhat and be calm and content, and I can't force you or compel you to love your wife - maybe you do, but ultimately she is yours.

In my younger years, I thought that my wife's body was mine and it belonged to me, and so, I made her uncomfortable, for I was constantly pressurin' her, but now (after years of hard work), when she's in the mood (which is a different topic), she enjoys the fact that I feel that her body is mine; that excites her, and me as well - although she won't win any modelin' contests (and stupidly, when she would've won those contests, I behaved like a hungry lion).

Make any sense?

Godspeed

Mount whitney wrote on 14 Mar 2021 19:04:

I agree with all the responses above.... I just want to add that you are seeing these wives when they are all dressed up and in a public party mode. You aren't seeing them when they are in a bad mood,tired,kvetchy,grumpy etc etc. To be really blunt,you are also not seeing the flab and stretch marks that they are elegantly hiding while in public.When you feel the attraction to one of them put some of the defects that you know your wife has and project it onto them. There is a good chance they have the same defect or perhaps even a worse one.
Obviously, I am just answering up for the attraction itself. What others have mentioned earlier about how to focus on other aspects and to realize that none of that will bring you happiness stands 100%.
Hatzlocha!
This is not an easy task and something we all have battled at times.

abieham wrote on 11 Mar 2021 05:53:

Although this is not the typical way i would think to deal with this, I absolutely love this post!! It is so very true. What a great perspective on this topic.

I just want to say that I am struggling as well with this problem right now (comparing my wife with other prettier women) and these responses are all gold and so spot on. Sapy what you wrote is so true, we need to totally change the way we think. Cordnoy as usual you hit the ball out of the park. I'm thinking of using that Dvar Torah by the Seder this year, I might have to print it out to read to get the nuances and depth of it... All jokes aside its a very true vort and more importantly true in my life as well.