Thanks all for the outpouring of chizzuk! Really can't express how helpful it is to have all the GYE guys help me out in a time of need this place is incredible

97 days!!!

Officially past the few days of intense desire thanks to Hashem, the heilige chevra of GYE, and my own efforts. If you asked me a week ago if I thought I would be here at 97 as opposed to single digits I easily would have thought single digits but here I am today going strong

Only 3 more days until I can see three digits on my count - I personally find it very helpful to have a bunch of short goals within a long goal - right now my goal is 180 but a sub goal is to get to 100

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 09 May 2021 01:29:

Goal: 1836

100! Triple digits!!

Next goal: 1836 110 days

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 12 May 2021 02:29:

1836!

Mazel tov!!!!

Keep flying... upwards!

I just got triggered because I was doing an assignment about transgender people and the stuff the websites were saying were a bit much for me.

I would describe myself as most frequently falling to images or words that relate to some sort of crossdressing/transgender thing (I have less than 0 desire for that in all honesty but my body does) - anyone know where this might stem from and how I could overcome this by coming back to the source? Or is this just something I'm gonna have to deal with?

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 13 May 2021 22:00:

The real answer is obviously "I don't know" but from my experiences possibly since it is something so foreign to anything you would practically do (Is it?),that it is more of a fantasy.

 (Is it?)

Yeah there is no real cheishek to actually do any of those things

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 13 May 2021 22:00:

I wouldn't give it too much thought. Discussions of sexual orientation and gender identity one way or another relate to physical intimacy and/or the private area of the body. It brings up thoughts and feelings even if there is no actual desire. להבדיל, there is a prohibition in חז"ל to look at two animals who are being מזדווג and this is the case even though כלל ישראל are not חשוד on that איסור. My understanding is that even if it isn't desirable, the mere fact that it brings up those thoughts is something to avoid. So, in your case, those discussions bring up thoughts and maybe even urges. It doesn't have to be more than that.

How the urges manifest themselves is not really relevant. The extremely wide array of triggers different people have is incredible and sometimes even amusing. But as mentioned, it does not really make a difference. Usually one's past holds the explanation to why one leans towards specific urges and triggers. Besides knowing that fact - which helps one understand his drives and accept who he is, and feel less guilty and ashamed, it is usually a waste of time to analyze the past. One should not beat himself up because he has this or that urge. As far as recovery is concerned, it is all the same. A warped understanding of sexuality which can b'ezras Hashem be fixed.

Been having lots and lots of desires recently - unfortunately also looked at some images on purpose that I shouldn't have

Haven't let out zera so thats good

Told myself I'm just going to make it to shavuos thats how I didn't act out

after shavuos hopefully I'll have the strength to keep going but ill worry about that when it comes around

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 14 May 2021 17:06:

Uh oh. I've been there my friend. Been there and....unfortunately done that. It can keep spiraling in small steps. Unless you shake yourself to the bones. Find something to completely reaffirm your commitment, make yourself FEEL you don't want it. Live it. Breathe it. 

Everyone has their own way. Read your old posts. Listen to a specific shiur, etc. The point is once our grip gets shaky, if we continue whiteknuckling...eventually we slip off.

Probably best to fix the loophole that is allowing you to look at those photos.

The desire is always greater than the result that we fantasize about. 

You know at the end of the da it ain't worth it.

Wishing you much success!