Hi.So basically my wife and i were high school sweethearts.(dont recommend it for anyone lol.) Throughout our marriage she always felt like i was hiding this issue. B'H we had and do have an amazing marriage but i know deep down she always wanted to speak to me about it but was scared. I also deep down knew she knew about my problem but was to scared to talk to her. Once i decided to open up  to my rav about what i was going through( which i have to add was not my own admittance but rather was forced to admit, maybe ill fill you guys in on the breaking point soon) and he sent me to a specialist who said i should tell my wife, then and only then did i tell my wife. 
The first thing she did was held my hand and said thank you for finally telling me. She has been in pain and waiting for years for me to open up and tell her.
That being said i dont know if everyone should be telling their spouse right away without first speaking it over with a specialist because not all women will react the way my wife reacted.
Thanks again for listening and Hashem should bless every single one of you.

NotGivingUp613 wrote on 23 Dec 2020 19:08:

I just joined recently and I felt the same!! It feels like such a warm welcoming family all ready to help!

Dear R' notgivingup613,
Bruchim Haboim, אשרי מי שבא לכאן, You have just entered a new life. Real life. Everything inly gets better from here, you have a beautiful life ahead, no matter your history. here we don't hide our past, we use it to grow, to become greater people, real people.
I too am a full time Kollel Avrech, married, noone would dream i struggled with this. I relate. with time not just you will grow but your marriage will too, here we learn about real relationships not false ones. we learn how to connect with ourselves, Hashem n our wives.
​Wishing you tremendous Hatzlocho,
Can't wait to watch you grow,
with admiration (I remember that first time I spoke to my Rebbe-wow it was hard).
Feel free to post/pm me
Excellence

I appreciate you reaching out. Yes no one in a million years would ever believe I have this problem. I guess I hid it extremely well. I always told myself when I go to Israel I’ll stop, then when I get married, then when I have kids, then when I become a rebbi etc but now we’re at this point lol. Anyways thanks for the chizuk and I’m much happier that it’s out in the open and hopefully can really start working on it

I guess were all like that in one way or another, It's amazing how we suddenly believe in ourselves so much that we keep telling ourselves that at the next stage/point in our lives we will stop. I kept telling myself that, but i went to Yeshiva in EY and didnt stop, got engaged didnt stop, married etc etc, but today were here tp stop, to change ourselves.
I too am a rebbi today, and it has become a positive motivation for me, because it has always been my dream to help others with this struggle, but I suppose I need to help myself first! Hope very soon to start being Mechazek my boys in a sensible subtle way.
Hatzlocho,
Excellence

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 23 Dec 2020 18:32:

Aha.
Could be...
I can only talk from my own experience and being that i am an addict i really can't comment on what you write here...
BTW how old are you?

Welcome! May your stay here be with hatzlacha! 

If you stick around, I can pretty much guarantee growth. Browse old forum topics, the wealth of information is tremendously valuable and educational. 

What the game plan here is, is to completely revamp your mindset and perspective on lust. Masturbation, porn, fantasizing, gazing at women in the street etc. all comes from one root cause, lust. Lust is what makes acting out feel like a physical need, it's what causes one to continue acting out, even when he doesn't want to. It's what ruins marriages, relationships, productivity, and happiness. It's a prime suspect in depression and unhappiness. 

 When one starts to understand, that lust is something that can be ignored, he starts to feel a liberty and a freedom. This change in perspective teaches him that what he felt as an uncontrollable need, is indeed just a feeling and nothing more. 

This is the mindset you should start to acquire and work on. It takes effort to achieve this, but its worth every bit of work.

Wishing you much success! 

                                 Grant

P.S. Am I the only guy in this forum that isn't a rebbi?!?

Amen, thank you so much. Its amazing and impressive that you can admit to this much earlier in life. I wish i opened up to someone about this when i was younger. Keep going and i hope you have tremendous Hatzlacha

I apologize if I don't get to answer everyone back personally but i really do appreciate the constant Chizuk. Please keep it coming

Amen thanks for reaching out. Its funny i told the therapist that i spoke to, now that i finally opened up i feel like i'm healed haha. My entire life i've never owned up to this and maybe what got me was the fact that i never had to face anyone about it. I just continued my "regular" habit because it was just part of my life. 
of course i cant be naïve and say ya im healed and dont have to worry. obviously i have an extra strength right now because it is the beginning. but like everything time passes and wears off our strength. this is an addiction ive had since i was like 10 years old and I'm sure it wont be going away just like that. But opening up is definitely liberating and hopefully only great things will come out of this. 
P.s Anyone willing to openly admit and work on this problem(and is 73 days clean) is a great Rebbi in my book. Keep it up 

One thing that may help you is to refrain from referring to yourself as an addict (unless your therapist diagnosed you as such), There definitely are addicts - and the mehalech for them is different, but the vast majority of guys here are not. Yes, this issue has addictive tendencies but most can BH graduate.

All these feelings you have now, of overcoming this challenge, and being in a totally better place than you were before, is normal. In the beginning when we finally face ourselves, and realize we must stop and feel empowered to do so, we tend to get super excited and feel like we are reborn. The truth is like you wrote, this excitement wears off.

Don't let yourself be fooled, and feel complacent with a false sense of security. Use this time as a gift, to work on real internal changes, changes that will fortify you with the strength when faced with powerful urges after the initial excitement wears off.

                        
P.S. There is a quote button to indicate which post you are responding to.

So how u been buddy?

So i guess its time to say the full story. I believe its all part of the same root but what got me to open up was the fact that i got caught by someone. I took a relatives phone(Adult/Not blood related) and figured they would have inappropriate pictures of themselves.(i was right ) I guess this was my rock bottom. Honestly I'm happy i got caught because maybe now ill finally fix the problem. 
i told my wife about the porn problem which like i said earlier she took it extremely well. However i did not tell her the most recent thing that happened.(about week and a half ago)
The person who caught me texted me last night and we were going back and forth and finally decided to tell my wife everything. My wife did not take it well at all which was totally expected. Porn and fake people was one thing to handle but someone related who we see on a constant basis really hurt her. 
So ya thats the most recent developments. It was meant to come out sometime so i guess its better to rip off the band aid earlier then later. 
Thanks for listening and all the Chizuk. I will keep you all posted 

I can’t even begin to fathom how hard it must have been to admit that to your wife.
Beyond words.
May you be matzliach Bekarov