Deleted

_

I suffered with this for many years. I doubt i'll be able to get it all out, but basically there are some problems that can be seen without needing much thought:
1) I end up viewing myself as bad, no matter how hard I try. And that I think Hashem views me as bad.
​2) For me to be "not bad" would take so much effort and even then I probably wouldn't succeed in being "not bad" anyway if we're being realistic.
3) No doubt all bad things will chas veshalom happen because of all my sins.
4) But of course even that won't help me clean up, and the real painful stuff is reserved for going downstairs after 120, chas veshalom.

My understanding is that people with a chassidish background have this problem less, because of their many teachings that go against it. But for those of us who don't have that background, a nice chassidishe vort in an email or book doesn't end up helping because it's not what we grew up with.

These perspectives are not easily fixed. And they are especialespecially hard to fix during yomim noraim. But here are some things to start with, that perhaps can help a little.

For 1 & 2, read The Battle of the Generation (
guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation), especially Appendix A. It's a good start. Of course a lot more is needed.
For 3, you have to learn about Bitachon, but from the original sources, the rishonim. Read Rabbeinu Yonah on Mishlei perek 3 pasuk 26, Rabbi Avrohom ben Harambams chapter on bitachon in Sefer Hamaspik, and Chovos Halevavos's chapter on bitachon. (The last 2 are available in English, though Chovos Halevavos is the least straightforward and easily understood of the 3.)
For 4, you should read Kiddushin 39b, Sefer Ha'ikrim maamar 3 chapter 29, and the sixth part of Halevavos Shaar Habitachon chapter 4.

Of course, this is just beginning stuff. Very likely you will also benefit from a frum therapist who knows how to deal with this stuff, and uses a style you are comfortable with. And don't look to solve this by this year's yomim noraim, but maybe next year you will be able to come in with a completely different perspective.

I hope this helps. Wishing you much hatzlocha and praying for you.

Deleted

Demolished wrote on 15 Sep 2020 09:13:

Why should I remain silent when there’s a brother in pain?

I know others replied to the Days of fear = Yomim noraim. But that doesn’t sound to me like that was your main concern. 

I see another post of yours here

Demolished wrote on 15 Sep 2020 07:55:

Maybe there’s more to your story which you haven’t yet shared, and also why did you choose that user name. 
Regardless, it sounds to me like a coach or Therapist can really help you. Are you seeing one (as I am)?

Deleted

Demolished wrote on 15 Sep 2020 19:09:

#GoFundMeDemolished

Where do I go to donate??

Markz wrote on 16 Sep 2020 03:57:

I’m in. I’ll donate just send me the link

Deleted

Hey buddy, if guys want to help out, why not give them that zchus? Sometimes we have to learn to accept help from others. People here are genuine. When they see a chaver suffering, they really want to help. Think about it.

Demolished wrote on 16 Sep 2020 08:21:

Why do we act out? Often there are underlying things going on, and a lot of people gain on Gye when we have this discussion. So why do you say it doesn’t belong here. 

Deleted

Deleted

GYE is a place where we learn to straighten out various issues in our lives. We come to the realization that most of us are acting out as a form of escape and release from the pain of a horde of emotional issues. So the forum is a very appropriate place to rant. And if Hakadosh Boruch Hu brought you here and thereby introduced you to kind and generous individuals who sincerely want to assist you in receiving therapy that you are in need of............