YeshivaGuy wrote on 25 Jan 2021 03:20:
...but I’m not some massive tzadik. I got a lot of middos to work on- chesed,savlanus etc etc. gotta work on my bitachon, on my learning/Tefilla etc.
So I overcame some hard nisyonos, nu nu.
Hows my learning? Davening? Middos?
A couple of nisyonos sure ain’t making me a Talmud Chacham or getting me to Olam Haba!
...It’s not like I’m some massive masmid and Baal middos
The answer?
And there is nothing wrong with that! The most important step to greatness is being comfortable in your own skin. This doesn't mean to shortchange yourself, it means to grow apples from apple trees and tomatoes from a tomato vine and not try to grow watermelon trees. Watermelons were just not meant to grow on trees because they will get too heavy and smash onto smithereens when they come crashing down...(and ouch, if anyone happens to be passing under...).
If you want to become all of those things (massive masmid, massive talmid chacham, gadol hador etc.) the way is by growing with your strengths.
There is something fascinating that I noticed whenever I speak with my Rosh Yeshivah. He always says "when I was in your stage..." and he would go on and explain how he dealt with all the issues that I am going through. Now my Rosh Yeshiva is the R"Y of what is considered a top Yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel with hundreds of talmidim and thousands of alumni. It fascinates me every time that he (at least he says) went through most of the
nisyonos that we all go through. I am pretty sure that if I want to become anything like him, it's going to be by being aware that every great person has his struggles too.
Something that I found to be far more powerful than reaching for the stars, is aiming for consistency. When setting goals, work on whatever level you can be consistent on. Again, I don't mean to shortchange yourself, but if you want to see real growth, then really work on being consistent. If you are having a hard time, you either need to change the goal, or change the plan (oh yeah, and you have to have had a plan in the first place to change it...).
And now it's time for some
chazarah.
wilnevergiveup wrote on 13 Oct 2020 08:33:
YeshivaGuy wrote on 13 Oct 2020 01:16:
Pretty stressed.
Felt empty today. I feel like I just wasted time.
So hard to not be in a Makom Aliya.
The Yetzer wants to build off this and make me masterbate, go online etc, after all, I had such an empty and pointless day with barely any learning, and everyone around me is just so stressed out- driving me nuts.
I’m not giving in, but it still feels superhuman,
feels like I’m fighting absolutely everything-defying nature.
Which is so difficult.
Feels like I’m restraining a lion on a leash.
Anyway folks, thnx for hearing me out.
Hatzlocha!
I want to address this point as it is something that I struggle with as well.
I want you to really ask yourself "did I really have a bad day?"
If you answer yes then ask yourself why, give yourself the whole shebang and then write it down (I write it on a google docs sheet) and
FORGET ABOUT IT. You don't have to worry, if you ever want to remember, that's why you wrote it down, so just forget about it.
Now ask yourself, amid your awful day was there anything that you did do well? There is always something, did you wake up on time, did you daven, if you woke up late and still davened that an accomplishment too. were you kind, did you help someone out, did you make someone feel good. I can go on and on I am sure the list is quite long.
Focus on all the good that you do and try to build on them.
Aaaah, so why do we feel like losers?
This is the million dollar question and the answer is, well I don't really know the answer for every situation but I will suggest an answer that you may relate to.
When we make goals for ourselves, we tend to set goals based on what we feel the most guilty about, instead of what we will actually grow from.
This creates expectations for yourself and when these expectations are not met we feel like a failure.
We have to learn what to expect from ourselves and what not to but especially we need to learn to set the correct goals.
For example, two days before Succos I spent most of the day working on the succah and helping my wife in the kitchen with little time to learn or do some of the other things that I had planned.
I felt awful, I had planned on having a four hour first seder, learn my mussar, do my workout and finish a project that I was working on and I didn't get to any of those.
My whole day was a mess, I was stressed that I didn't get to all those things and I was stressed about having to take care of the things that I had to take care of because they were preventing me from reaching my goals.
After the day was over I sat down and said to myself wow what a bad day, if the rest of bein hazemanim goes like this, I'm done for.
Then I realized that I can still change my goals retroactively. I said, listen here, today your goals are to daven before the zman, learn twenty minutes, finish building the succah, help my wife when she needs me and read Dr. Seuss books to my 2 year old so that my wife can work.
Wow! What an accomplishing day, and I even accomplished my goals!
I had Covid19 over Yom Kippur (and I am not the only one) and was stuck at home. My Rav told me, "you know Hashem doesn't want you to serve him on your terms, he want's you to serve him on his terms. Hashem want's you to show him that you can have a great Yom Kippur at home too."
Life is like a ladder, one rung at a time. If you stay on the same rung the entire time, you will fail to understand the point of the ladder and eventually just climb down, but if you try to take a giant leap and hopefully you will catch on somewhere on top you will end up in the same place and with far more pain too.
Reaching too high isn't growth, it's suicide. Of course you want to climb the tallest ladder, but you still got to climb it one ring at a time.
I decided that I was going to daven at a certain minyan during the last week of bein hazemanim that I thought was reasonable for me but in the end I never made it there. Today I thought, I have two options, either I could continue to push and maybe I will feel like a loser or maybe I will win, or I could daven in a different minyan that there is nothing wrong with other than the fact that it wasn't in the plan.
Today I davened with a minyan and yesterday I davened at home, which one was better?
People spend all their lives feeling unaccomplished, not because they don't accomplish, rather because they don't live up to their own expectations.
I had a baby recently and among other things that have fallen onto my shoulders, I have to take my daughter to school. I got to a later minyan in shul and had to leave right after
chazaras hashatz in order to get my daughter out on time. For some reason (maybe it's just perceived) I was getting lots of dirty looks for leaving so early. Inside, I was also feeling guilty but then I realized that it was still better than davening at home! I got up early, I got out of the house to daven and I even stayed through
chazaras hashatz, are those not things to be proud of?
I don't think you need us all to tell you how good you are, I think you need a kick in the pants (HHM, you are welcome to have the honors), or someone to dump a bucket of ice cold water on your head!
You don't have to be something in order to become it, you have to become it in order to be it.
For more on this, I would recommend taking a look at a book called "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown. There are lots of great books on low self esteem but this one is above and beyond. It's way better than anything else I have ever read and it's not just a bunch of useless information. You can also watch her Tedtalks
here and
here they are also great.
