Motzei Shabbos.
So in Yeshiva there’s not many options.
Option 1. Learn
Option 2. Play basketball in the freezing cold
Option 3. Eat
Option 4. Masterbate
Option 5. Internet stuff

So, I’m not in the mood to do option 1-3 and I don’t want to consider the other two as real options, though they remain that way for the time being, in my subconscious.

I should really go learn, it would be great I’m just really not in the mood. But the prob is that I’m only really in the mood to do issurim

YeshivaGuy wrote on 03 Jan 2021 00:29:

Motzei Shabbos is one of the hardest times...I'm with you. Maybe call a friend you haven't spoken to in a while? Do you like to read? I lose myself in books and that saves me oftentime. You can also try putting on some headphones and playing some Geshmak upbeat music and just chill with them on for a bit.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 01 Jan 2021 19:56:

I am sure the magazines would be thrilled with it as 90% of poems come from females. It would show a new perspective.

Lou wrote on 03 Jan 2021 05:18:

U think I should be worried bout copyright?

So I went out with a friend and who Bh wasn’t busy.
Got pizza and went bowling. 
Was abit hard though cuz the lane next to us had a few drunk guys and girls doing very inappropriate things.....................
I wish I could say I held back at looking, it was insane..

(The classic Yeshivish guy thing to say would be that these people were being disgusting and that Bh “v’hivdilanu min hato’im.”
But honestly, I was jealous. I know it’s sad that a Ben Melech felt jealous of peasants. But that’s how I felt. And I still kinda feel like that...)

But Bh got out my energy, ready to go to sleep and shteig bezras Hashem.

Wow I’m still awake?!
I better get to sleep.
Gn fellas 

YeshivaGuy wrote on 03 Jan 2021 05:50:

What exactly are you jealous of? I don't mean that as mussar or masgiachish, I mean it as a serous question.

Sometimes, when we are in the thick of things, we have a hard time thinking intellectually and act and think impulsively. This translates into not just issues of shmiras einayim but for us to actually think that we really want something that we actually despise. It's a trick that the Y"H has to get us to do/act/think etc. without using our intellect.

I am not saying that it's not a struggle, nor that it's not difficult to look away, what I am saying is to try to identify what exactly is it that you are jealous of.

Give it a name, is it freedom, or a life of pleasure, or whatever, then, when you figure out what is is that they have that you don't figure out if that is actually something that you want. 

Sorry if this doesn't speak to you, this is something that I am working through myself and I found this to be helpful. It's not meant to change the lust, it's to take it off our minds and to take away the false allure. Feel free to ignore me if you wish.

All the best,
Wlinevergiveup.

I can identify somewhat with this. Not so much with the jealousy,as much as wishing I can naturally be revolted by such lowlifes. However, I am not revolted and if anything I am attracted .BH,it doesn't go further than attraction,but I just wish I could naturally be disgusted by it.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 03 Jan 2021 05:36:

What type of Copyright issue could there be?

Lou wrote on 03 Jan 2021 21:40:

I probably used the wrong word.
Im saying, is there a concern of someone stealing my stuff and claiming ownership?

I keep sleeping in etc...
Today I got out of bed at 2pm.
Why? I was awake earlier and I could’ve gone to shachris etc. so why?

Because I have a Yetzer Hara and I’ve been giving into this taiva.
The midda of Atzlus has taken hold in my life.

If I had a low self esteem etc then it wouldn’t bother me so much. But I really beleive in myself that I can become a Big Talmud Chacham and Oved HaShem.
And that’s what bothers me, that I’m not pushing harder. Not enough Mesirus Nefesh...

Every single time I attempt to get better to get back on track, I just fall back down.
So what’s the mahalach?

Lechora, to keep going forward. Idk...

Ad Meah V’Esrim, ODAAT!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Jan 2021 02:52:

You know your place, you know where you wanna go....half the problem solved!
Now let's start putting the rest of the peices together!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Jan 2021 02:52:

I have noticed over the years,that sometimes when I was doing particularly well regarding the Shmiras Einayim etc issues,other areas such as Davening with Kavana or getting angry would be shvach. The Yetzer Harah knows who it is worth fighting with. He sees he is losing one battle,so he attacks from the other side. Just keep showing him that you are in charge,not him!
Chazak vematz!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 04 Jan 2021 02:52:

Not to get into a whole debate here but low self esteem is exactly that. people with low self esteem usually have master plans for their future and believe they have potential but feel like they are not worthy in the moment. Trust me, this is my life, I feel like I really can learn well, I imagine myself handeling with my Rosh Yeshiva, yet I never actually do, because I think I will be "found out" that I am really not as good as he thought I was etc. For some reason, in the moment we forget all the grand plans we had for ourselves.

It's hard to say what the eitzah is as it can vary but there are two mehalchim depending on where you find yourself. 

I once heard from a rebbe of mine that when struggling to find cheshek (for someone who usually has it) do the motions that you would normally do and don't beat yourself up if you don't learn or daven the way you are supposed to. Try to just show up and be proud of just showing up and doing the motions and it will iy"H pass. This can be called mesiras nefesh if you want but the point is not to go totally against your will, rather to prevent it from getting worse while at the same time holding on to the potential to getting back into it.

The other mehalech (they can be done at the same time) is not to overthink things. A different Rebbe once told me that in yeshiva, when you want to do something and are start second guessing yourself, just do what came to your mind first and be confident. Don't think too much just do it and move on. This helps you not overthink everything. 

As long as you are still in yeshiva, you can be confident that if you just go with the flow you will end up in a pretty good place (not to minimize trying harder but you know that you are in good hands). You don't have to think too much, just go with the flow and you will shteig. My Rosh Yeshivah always tells me "Ploiny, you have to stop thinking!"

So to sum it up, yes the mehalech is to keep moving forward, it seems like you figured this out yourself already but just make sure not to much, go with the flow and IY"H things will fall into place.

P.S. This is the story of my life (I wrote about it on my thread and a few other places) life has it's ups and downs, bit the bigger the challenge the bigger the thrill. It's like surfing, the only fun part is the wave, the bigger the wave the bigger the thrill. 

Ride them waves!