Kabala (bli neder) I made by the Neiros tonight.

I will (bli neder) take my Sim out of my IPhone and put it in my kosher phone before going into bed for sleep. (This is a “baby step” to make the transition. If, chalila, it doesn’t work, then more drastic measures will be implemented).

Gut Chanuka!

Wow. Hatzlacha.
מחשבה טובה הקב״ה מצרפה למעשה.
One of the ways of reading this Chazal is that if you have a thought to do a good thing, HaShem will assist you in carrying it out.
Very happy for you, KUTGW.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 18 Dec 2020 00:30:

הנרות הללו...על הניסים ועל הנפלאות..בימים ההם בזמן הזה

Update: Shabbos had taiva to have hirhurim/masterbate.
Regarding hirhurim, the “scenes in my mind” have faded considerably Bh, so doesn’t give me much hanaa, so I gave up.

Regarding taiva for masterbating, I held back from lying on my stomach.
At times it’s hard, and I do very often feel “pressure” in my hands to touch myself. However, it has become natural for me to hold back. Nonetheless the “pressure” remains.

A very close friend of mine recently asked me why I’ve been holding back so much? Like, it’s so so hard, why/how have I held on?

The answer I beleive is: I really really want this.
I grew up more modern, and exposed to the emptiness of a life devoid of Kedusha. 
And I REALLY REALLY want a life of kedusha.

I told him, I would amputate my arm for this, that’s how much I want it.
I REALLY want to build a Yidishe home of Kedusha v’Tahara. 

When I was in highschool and went to my Rebbis house and saw how everyone was tzanua, happy, and had a certain “chain” I decided that no matter what, this is the life I want.

Obviously, I’m not invincible.
And it is very shayach, regardless of ones “Ratzon,” to fall.
Im just saying l’Toeles HaRabim, that for me, tapping into my innermost, deepest Ratzon has helped me immensely. 

Gut vuch!

I wish I had a close friend like that.....
I'm making many on here though.

Zedj wrote on 20 Dec 2020 01:17:

Ya, it’s a gamechanger...
Feel free to reach out, we’re all in this together

Will definitely take you on it!

Yetzer: Hey! Long time no speak, why not masterbate? How are you gonna fall asleep without it??!!

Me: I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 18 Dec 2020 00:30:

Last night was first night I did it.
It was hard, but Bh felt good to be in control

So, I’m sitting here in my room.
Dinner is coming to a close and I should be heading to the Beis soon.

I feel a certain emptiness, loneliness. It’s hard to describe, I won’t go through all the emotions here, but I’ll say that I truly beleive these feelings come from the need of a man my age to be married.

This has been something I’ve grappled with.
Ive felt, for awhile now, this internal need to be married. Why? Not for biah.
Rather, because I crave to have a deep intimate relationship and express love, to give to someone every single ounce of my Self...

But, I know, that it’s best for my Avodas HaShem to wait for the time being.
To invest myself in Limud Hatorah v’Mussar.
And work more on Inyanei Kedusha.
So I can be more in control of the “Self” which I wish so much to give.

The Yetzer seeks to harness these emotions for his own bidding.
But I shan’t give in.

Instead, I will realize the root of these emotions, and try as much as possible to channel them into chesed, Torah, Tefilla etc- knowing full well that the time will come, B’ezras Hashem Yisborach, when I shall merit to express these emotions in the proper and healthy way.

It is my hope that the Ribono Shel Olam may see this message, may see that my greatest Ratzon is to fulfill HIS Ratzon, and may aid me in living the life I so desperately wish to live.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 21 Dec 2020 01:07:

I remember I had a friend who felt the same as you do. He spoke to me about his desire to love and be loved. BH it seems like he has an amazing marriage and got all he wanted to come true. Your feelings are legitimate. Hang in there!

You mentioned that you may be ready in a year.  A year is really not a long time. It's short enough to see the end in sight. Take this time to work on yourself in kedusha, (self control, giving, anger manegment) etc. all the character traits necessary for a successful marriage every day.

Also, enjoy the last year of being a bochur. Yes, marriage is great, but there will never be a time in your life like when you are a bochur. Milk it for all its worth!

Hey, to make a very long and complicated story short, I drove home yesterday...
So more exposed to secular influences.
Went into Dunkin Dounuts to get a thing for my bro. Was super attractive girl my age with skin tight... Was rough, I def looked, a trigger...

Also, the tv was playin in there so saw politics hack, which got me interested and a bit of anxiety...

Been keeping to the kabala, not using anything unfiltered device/tv.
Got lot of taiva now though from that girl in Dunkin’ Donuts...

There is no hiding the fact that pretty much wherever you go today there will be things we see. 
Now you have the chance to use some of the many tools you have learned from GYE and the forums.. 

I read grants post from time to time (thank you grant)
Hope it helps

Insanely stressed.
Been “working” all day.