Thanks a lot for the kind words.
Just watched horrible vids/masterbated, as I’ve done continuously…
Didn’t need to, haven’t needed to. It’s just from boredom. 
Wasn’t like I was overpowered by taiva. It was a pretty level headed decision to do it…..

Gonna try actually fighting now though. 
Haven’t even thought about doing that.
So no bad vids, erotica in any form, masterbating etc.

I guess once I’m trying to daven again and even learn a shtikl I should make an effort to not watch porn or spill seed when I’m bored.

Hope to rejoin the fight, if I may.

hashemyeracheim613 wrote on 15 Feb 2022 03:45:

Thank you so much.
Honestly though, I don’t feel special.
Rather I feel like a shadow of a man that “could’ve been.”
And like a weak nebach guy not in yeshiva wasting away his potential. 
Its good to hear someone else have a different outlook though, I hope one day to feel the same.

I really just don’t want to drown, I don’t know whether to give up on frumkeit- relinquishing all the sheifos I had once had, or persevere on this journey to the unknown…
I can’t live without GD, as I’ve learnt. Yet I can’t bare the path He has set before me.

אני והוא הושיע נא

YeshivaGuy wrote on 15 Feb 2022 05:02:

I relate to this thought.ive been struggling with this for a while. It truly feels like a "between a rock and hard place" situation. What I came to realize (and this is just my experience), is that there is one problem with this logic. The seemingly impossible path before me was not set by "Him". It was actually set by me. My own warped ideas of how I thought things should be. 
In truth, I don’t know what the path He set for me is. But I know that it's not based on my false assumptions - at the very least it would be bearable! Forget bearable, the path He set for me is the best path. I just have to get out of my own way. 
Are all those sheifos really in line with my place and purpose? Do they reflect who I am, or did I adopt them for some other reason?
Everyone is so unique. Everyone has different roles. Sometimes we may pick up aspirations that are just not for us. And we even go so far to beat ourselves up over not wanting those aspirations. 
Just something to think about.

I hope I didn't misinterpret what you wrote.

Good point and what you say is indeed true.
What I mean by saying that I “can’t bare the path set before me” is that it’s quite difficult to surmount the challenges I’m currently experiencing while maintaining a semblance of sanity.
Challenges that are by no means self imposed.
If I were to dispose completely of my past sheifos and allow myself to be led solely by this emotional rollercoaster, then I’m afraid I would GD forbid go from not davening to much larger halachik infractions.
Thereby losing the life I truly want to live.

By retaining a memory of how I’ve felt in the past, I recall a part of me that yearns and needs to be connected to GD- grounding me despite these waves of uncertainty.

Your point is still true, applicable, and appreciated.

Hey YG, thanks for popping by, it's nice to hear from you from time to time!

Random Q, if you are not in Yeshiva these days, what are you up to? Are you working?


There is this line from Brene Brown "Let go of who you think you should be and embrace who you are." I found it to be powerful, take it or leave it.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 15 Feb 2022 13:24:

I haven’t been working since I haven’t felt stable enough to be reliable. I have taken some online courses though and have been working out a lot, but definitely gotta figure stuff out.

As for the quote, it’s hard because if I were to embrace who I feel like I am right now then I would be mechalel shabbos, go to a bar and meet a shiksa etc since that’s what feels right given my anger etc.
It feels like that’s who I am now, but I know it’s not who I want to be.
And even that isn’t clear anymore, I don’t know who I want to be.
What I do know is what I wanted to be a few months ago and since I know I really wanted to be a Ben Torah I won’t to radical stuff until things settle down and I can make a rational decision about what I want.

There is truth to the line, it’s just very difficult to know when to trust the heart entirely without the minds restraint. 

If you or anyone else can explain what I’m missing I would greatly appreciate it.

A Little over one year ago I had no idea who I wanted to be. I had two separate identities and it was becoming increasingly unclear which was the real me. It took a lot of siyaata dshmaya and also some very difficult decisions but I can say that I now have a much clearer understanding of myself and I am not struggling with that anymore. Be honest with yourself and take small steps.

so, as i was watching the superbowl, i saw a pretty funny commercial with a tremendous "mussar haschil." a kid reached his hand into the pringles can for those last few chips, but lo and behold, his arm got stuck, and although he tried, he couldn't pull it out. went to sleep that night with the cannister on his arm. he got married with the can on his arm - for the rest of his life, he wore it like a sling. for all you porn addicts, yes the commercial showed that he was intimate with his wife, and although birthday suits were worn, his arm was covered by the pringle can. years later, he needed a walker to get around, and the hand with the pringles can was guiding him along. eventually, he died, and with a big smile on his face in the coffin, the pringles cannister is still there.

moral of the story: ................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ stick to jays!

Trouble wrote on 15 Feb 2022 19:47:

And here I thought the punchline would be that a mistake one makes when he's young can haunt him his entire lifetime.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 15 Feb 2022 13:02:

Back in the day, I used to travel extensively to go to therapy. I would wait for a hitch. 1/2 Hour. Then go to the train station. 1 1/2 hour. wait for the train. 15 Minutes. Then the train ride home. 2 hours. Then the walk home. 10 Minutes. Almost 4 1/2hours. Sometimes due to missing trains it was close to five. It was in middle of the winter, and sometimes I would stand on the platform shivering in the snow. When the train finally came, I would huddle there, cold and miserable. There I was, a miserable wretch, on the long journey home to go a therapy session that wasn't helping. I hoped so much that a beautiful slutty woman would plop herself next to me. We would start talking, then find an apartment somewhere and have a great night. I literally davened to Hashem for it. I challenged Him, to at least give me that small comfort, that illegal pleasure. I really believed that's what I wanted. In retrospect, I learnt that it was all of my anger and frustration being vented out, at God, at the world. You are going through an incredible amount of pain right now. It's now wonder that you want to escape, to drop all of your responsibilities and to bury yourself in a life that's free of religious duties. But as you yourself said, you know it's not what you want. Your conscience is too strong. Your sense of honesty will never let you rest. You know where the truth is, and you will not be able to leave it. You would not be happy living that life. I couldn't also, and that thought comforted me. I would always be forced to remain on the real path to happiness. I think, and I hope that I'm not being presumptuous, that it's the same for you. You are in touch with the real you. It's just being clouded by a lot of hurt.

As I'm being me'ayin in your posts, I see that you basically already said this.
"I can't live without God"
Yeshiva Guy

Nichshal again.
No using laptops/computers etc past 11:30pm.
Trying to get to day 1

Ok and we’re back.
Day #1.
And I’m starting a chavrusa with a friend tomorrow, slowly gotta build up to being able to sit for a full Seder.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 15 Feb 2022 16:24:

You are right, it can be complicated to figure out who you really are. 

I don't know if there is a clear cut answer, but you can try doing a "core strengths" and "core values" worksheet.

Here is one option www.viacharacter.org/

I think there are some worksheets in the F2F program along these lines, you can check it out there. I liked the worksheet version better than the online one, it makes you think more  .

  

Day 2
Didnt start the chavrusa today, starting Sunday.
Hard times, trying for first time in awhile to not fall down.