Markz - I am Maskim!  ; )

2 days clean Bh.
Wanted to be nichshal today cuz “might as well,” but I’m done with this stuff.
I’m trying to take what I wrote on the “Elul Anyone???” Thread to heart and realize that the goal is not perfection.

Obviously I need to continue working on these inyanim, but I do beleive for the most part that this stuff is no longer a part of me.
Its like any other aveira I’m nichshal in from time to time.
Part of being an אדם.
But it doesn’t define and devour my life…

Anyway, have a wonderful night!

Ps. My 2nd seder chavrusa just ditched me and I’m pretty upset cuz was for a super dumb reason (it would be fine if was because he didn’t like learning together…) and now I’m left high and dry.
Would be nice to release the anger with masterbating but what would that accomplish?
Nothing.

Gn!

YeshivaGuy

I’d love to masterbate again, to feel the rush.
But I really don’t wanna go back down that road. It’s miserable.

Gn

Stay kosher tzaddik.

Sweat it out, embrace the pain. Then stand tall and tell Hashem "This one is for You."

Greatest possible way to say thank you to Him.

Feel visit to visit us in Grodno. Any time.

IMG

YeshivaGuy wrote on 26 Aug 2021 03:04:

Wow! sometimes the simple raw truth is so hard to express...
But it is so powerful to just say it how it is nothing more nothing less.

Keep it up!

I have a lot of pent up energy.
Also feeling tired and sluggish.
Would be easy to slide into bed and masterbate.
Instead I will force myself to drive a few min from Yeshiva where I found a nice lake with a path around it.
Not so down but I’ll do it.
Will let y’all know how it goes.

It was nice.
But most of the time I was fantasizing of meeting a girl on the trail…
Was barely anyone there anyway though.
Now I’m back and have a lot of taiva to masterbate. Really not down for 2nd Seder…
I want hanaa, pleasure. That’s what I want.
I want to feel good.

I feel for you, it sounds rough. 

Got taiva now to masterbate. Heart pounding and all.
Super not down for seacond seder, I’ll go but will take it easy.
Can’t wait for therapy tomorrow…

Stay strong tzaddik!

I actually had an amazing first seder today, got a clearer havana in the sugya of עידי מסירה כרתי… and was excited about the learning for the first time in awhile, bh.

During the break I turned myself on.
Been struggling whether or not to masterbate.
Feels like once I turned myself on there’s anyway no point in holding back.
(Thank you @LionKing for helping me through).

I know that I must go through this time period of excruciating pain again in order to get back to and beyond where I was a few months ago when was 198 days clean.
And that knowledge just isn’t allowing me to give up.
I just can’t give up, I can’t do it.
I love HaShem too much to give up and to surrender.
I will walk on broken glass and swim through oceans of fire to reach my destination.

Time for Mussar Seder, only did it once so far this zman. Gonna try to get back.

Shkoyach

Hang in there YG.
I'm rooting for you.

Sending a hug your way.
Stay strong!

Thanks for the honorable mention. I appreciate the recognition even tough I didn't do anything. It is you who did the first step to stop by texting and reaching out for help.
I'm rooting for you. You have always been my role model. 
Hatzlacha Rabba