Grant400 wrote on 23 Mar 2021 01:11:

No!

Grant,
From the little I know about you, I would recommend you just move on. Try to distract yourself from the whole situation and keep going. Maybe write another chapter to keep your mind occupied. Don't dwell on whether it is a fall or not.

p.s. If you ever need advice if an app is safe, feel free to reach to me. 

So here is my final decision. Last night I was twisting and turning for hours. The animal in me was begging for another feeding, yet I refused to give in and pick up my phone with explicit intent to browse garbage. It's not who I am anymore, and I know it will cause more pain than pleasure. This showed me that if even after 12 excruciating hours I didn't give in, then I still was in my "streak".

Why? Because yes, I looked at disgusting images with drool dripping down my chin. I became a gibbering fool in the hands of some 18 year old piece of horrid refuse, but that was only after I had a taste and couldn't refuse more. Just as when we walk in the street and sometimes our eyes catch a sight and unfortunately it follows, even when the rest of the day we controlled them. Sometimes when it's in front of us (me) there is almost no bechira.

Granted, I was the one who put myself in the situation, but it didn't come from a lack of control or the decision to go look, I had a reason. I won't be a fool and swear there was no excitement about "what if there is a problem" but that wasn't the driving force. That wasn't what led me to search. That wouldn't be enough at all. I proved this to myself last night and right now. The desire is burning but I am not reckoning with it (so far).

So my streak of not giving in to my desire for these things, and to go and indulge for the sake of indulgence exclusively. Continues. 

I know that I probably have negius, and some of you are thinking while you read this "who's this guy fooling" but for me this is a real step. To be able to close it and not go back for more, even while feeling upset and disgusting, even after pumping things into a head that didn't experience anything close to this in almost a half year, is a sign that I didn't lose myself completely.

I am upset at myself and will come up with a solution to prevent this from happening again. As Sapy mentioned my last fall came from an "innocent" app too. (I was in contact with our very own BHYY who proceeded to assist me how to prevent this in the future from a technology point of view - thank you!) I also will iyh make a taphsic. I committed to making one a few weeks ago but never did.

So I sign off rightfully disgraced but determined, and even slightly proud that I didn't completely relinquish my life to people who don't deserve to be graced with such a term.

                                   Grant

Hey R' General,

Can you remove that negative footer "I had a terrible slip on day 162. This is a reminder for the future."

Perhaps replace with somethin' like:

Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm - Winston Churchill

You are waaaayyy too good for negativity....cut yourself some slack; your resilience in the face of this fall just made you - like - 10 times the man you were before.

Smile and be super proud, my dear friend.

IMG

Ish MiGrodno wrote on 23 Mar 2021 14:16:

Thanks IMG, I second that, it's gotta go.

Forward march!

Gevald! Today is brutal. Fresh images beckon enticingly. I need that signature as a reminder for a little bit. I pray I make it through the day. I am weakening...My grip is just as tight but I'm getting tired...

Perhaps it's time to leave go...
If you are gripping tightly on to the images you saw, it will cause problems.

Why don't you read some of the posts you wrote to me and others? You can do this. Don't let me down.

lionking wrote on 23 Mar 2021 19:06:

Thanks. I know I gotta just breath. I actually did read old posts, that's how I bh made it through last night...Good to have you as my king your majesty! 

Grant400 wrote on 23 Mar 2021 19:01:

This might be familiar........

1. I remind myself that it's just a feeling, no matter how much it feels like a need.

2. I remind myself of my feelings after the last time I didn't stay strong. Both, the feeling like garbage and the fact that I realized that the desire for the enjoyment, is greater than the actual enjoyment.

3. I remind myself that every time I act out again can lead me to a more dangerous addiction level, which can eventually cause me to do crazy things to get my fix, and completely take over my brain and life, by causing me to obsess about it every second.

4. I remind myself how all of my davening, learning and mitzvos after will feel horrible and completely disconnected.

5. I think about having to restart my streak count.


(For married people)

6. I imagine how I will feel around my lovely wife after I spend time fantasizing or ogling other womans bodies, while she mistakenly believes I share that aspect exclusively with her. (It's one of the most horrible feelings in the world).

...And another hopefully familiar excerpt from a world-famous author (Chapter 9):

He didn't know how he got sucked into this so deep. Just a short while ago he was a loyal husband and a serious Ben Torah, but slowly things started to unravel. It started with small nips on the internet once again, over time needing more and more, and before he knew it this is where he was holding. He almost felt numb sometimes. Sometimes he felt guilty, and sometimes just plain confused.....He tried to get himself to break it off and stop all this nonsense. But he couldn't. It was just too hard and too tempting. It wasn't just about desire, this was a real relationship he had... He just couldn't let go. All he felt was missing in his marriage, was found with his new friend. He felt fulfilled and happy....His palms felt sweaty. His heart pounded in excitement. ...After a moment's hesitation, he decided he was ready too. He clicked the reply button, and started to type....

As a reader and "outsider," the temptation always seems more manageable, the flame more suppressible.

​Hope that this quote makes things easier (not harder)...

IMG

It seems like it's in style to bring up some of your old posts.
How about this one, which I've reread numerous times?

Grant400 wrote on 30 Dec 2020 22:08:

How is our ★★★★★ General Grant doing?

Zedj wrote on 24 Mar 2021 05:34:

BH thanks to all of you guys I'm letting go and in a better place. Still having rough moments but they're lessening...

Grant400 wrote on 23 Mar 2021 13:26:

This is gold!!
Why would I want to give up my life, learning & davening to someone of such low morality!

Today, and right now is one of the hardest moments I've had since joining GYE. Pray for me.