II've never posted  on here before, but this is a new effort to make myself  accountable and be honest with myself and anyone who'd care to listen. 
Today  is ה cheshvan and I fell again totally  intentionally. I knew exactly  where my trigger was and went right to it.  The thing that  really gets me is the fact that all I really wanted from myself tonight was to just stop and think and make an honest decision. then follow through. 

I Want to move forward being honest with myself and beat this addiction day  by day. 

God help me,  
Refael

refael wrote on 03 Nov 2019 03:20:

Wow we have an angel on the sight
Welcome. 
Wheres the wings in flight emoji???

Rafael I’m not sure if it’s possible for an angel to get shot Gd forbid, but you should know that a bullet is not a “trigger”. A trigger is something else than you depicted. 

Welcome. Wise move to join GYE. Stay connected and iyh you will get out of this mess.

refael wrote on 03 Nov 2019 04:29:

Quite an esoteric post for an Angel
English please

Going to watch porn is already losing the fight being tempted to walk into my local bar is being tempted and tested. 

Better now? 

refael wrote on 03 Nov 2019 05:14:

Yes

Now what are your internal triggers that may cause you to want to fly down millions of miles from heaven into a bar?

refael

I too strugglewith why I will fall when I do not want to fall.

Try the Mindfulness method, it can explain self destructive behaviour.

Treat the urge to fall as an external thought

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior

Sorry but for me a trigger is not to go to the bar, but what make yourself to go to the bar : stress, anxiety, desire... 
Did you checked this ?

Well I think there's various levels at play for me internal factors that put me in a place where I'm likely to fall and once I'm in a a place where I'm in more danger things get worse from there

Sadness in general 
Low self esteem 
Boredom
And other things I can't think of now are some of my internal triggers

WWas clean yesterday thank god.  That's one day. Todays day two the last time I went over 90 days clean I was busy 24/7 and only came home to sleep. 

I find when there a hole in my schedule that's an opening  where my yetzer Hara can enter and it helps with the aforementioned triggers since it's hard for the yezter Hara to hit a moving target 

Thanks for your response !
To get a step further : do you know why you are feeling sad, and you have a low self esteem of yourself ?

My two cents about your second post : yes, it could be a good strategy to be always busy, but for me it's like somebody is chasing you and you are always running to escape him because you are dead if he reaches you. It's good for short term, but it's tiresome and difficult to maintain at a long term.

Perhaps it's better instead to make strategies that the pursuer is unable to find you, or stops to seek for you... And if he finds you, you can throw him a bait and divert his attention, without fearing him.

In one sentence : resolving the problem instead of "hide and run"

well I've found both are necessary. If it's a short term strategy I think you have a point, but I'm trying to make it a lifestyle change. If I'm involved with fulfilling real desires there's not the same temptation to go for nonsense distractions. 

the other side of the coin is that regardless ill still be tested and therefore need many strategies and tools for when that comes. It helps me to collect tips that work for me personallyfrom various sources for when I need it. 

Part of it is low self esteem another is that i have this girl im into on my mind and it leads to getting depressed about it. That leads to trying to fill that with something

I understand...

Why you have this girl in mind, you can tell me or not, as you want...
But, if you are feeling depressed because of this...
 Sadness is normal and natural about this events, but I think it's not good if it leads you to depression.

A personnal story : I was thinking about a girl after a broken shiduch. I was depressed about this girl, and I was crying a lot.
I went to a Rav, and he told to me "I know it's difficult to accept it, but this is Hachem's will. You can't know what will bring you the future, perhaps something far better than you can imagine. All that does Hachem is for good, and so for this Shiduch. Staying depressed will arrange nothing".
I managed to get andto keep the positive, and to stay sober at this time. It wasn't easy, and I continued to think about her, but the depression was essentially gone, and I tried to stay optimistic rather than sad.

This story has a good end : after some unexpected and miraculous events, this girl became my wife...

Hope this helps you.