Shalom Aleichem.
My name is XXXX. I`m 25 years old, Baal Teshuva. And I`ve got married a year ago. 
Anyone that looks at me in the street will see another normal Haredi guy, going to shul. Going to Kollel. Listening to shiurim when I`m on the bus.

That`s not really the truth, is it?

I remember when I wasn`t religious, I was maybe 10 or 11 when I bought my first Playboy magazine. Little did I know that looking at pictures of naked girls at that time would be the beginning of a crippling, mind-torturing porn and masturbation addiction that would last for longer than I`m proud to say. 

When I was 17 or 18, I was already starting to do teshuva, praying a little, eating a little kosher,going to shabbos meals(even though I wasn`t Shomer Shabbos yet), and when I was 19 I went to Yeshivat in Israel, where I`ve been living ever since. 

I`ve always had a problem with girls. Everything was connected to try and meet new girls, getting laid. In Yeshivat this didn`t change a bit. I had sexual encounters  with 2 girls and occasionally hooked up with another 6 or 7. One of them became my wife.

And I used to masturbate  a lot. Study all week, just to watch porn and masturbate at the end. I always thought this would just go away by itself and it wasnt a big problem, that I was in Teshuva process and shouldn`t be so hard on myself.

Until one day I started to think maybe it`s time to stop. And I was pretty much sure I could do it. And I did... for a month. And then for two weeks. And then for 20 days. And then for another month. Suddenly I realized I couldn`t stop. Once I was able to stop for 8 months (my biggest streak) when I was very involved in learning. And for the first 3 months of my marriage. Then it all broke down.

I`ve been trying to get rid of this nightmare for years, lying to myself and to my wife. I feel like I`ve been ungrateful to Hashem. I feel desperate and alone and this time I HAVE to succeed. I`m afraid lust will take an upper hand against me and I`ll wont have the strenght to battle against it.

So here I am, trying one more time. This time for real.This time with everything I got, so I can be a better person, a better Jew, a better Avreich.... I`m on my way to smicha right now, and I feel like I`m living a double life. 

I hope to add a lot to this community, because the chizuk I got from here is part of what keeps me going.(event though this is the first time I post here).

Wish a lot of hatzlacha to everyone. 

Welcome.

Good move XXXX - This is the place!

Welcome!

Are you sure you're not me? This is my story! It's all there! Baal teshuvah, yeshiva at age 19, now married, etc. 

MAN! You're in the right boat, with all of us

Though I never had real sexual encounters. while in yeshivah, though I sure wanted to. My addict mind is a bit jealous of you right now.

Keep coming back!

Seeing that people also go through the same situations helps a lot. Thanks for the support.

Welcome!.  You've come to the right place.  Keep us posted on your progress.  Keep in mind that this is a long journey with many ups and downs.  Don't get discouraged when you have a fall.  Have you've put in the necessary filters and fences to help prevent you from falling in the future?

Hi, thanks for the warm welcome.
yes, my devices are all protected. And I'm trying very hard to not pass through the fences I have built for myself.

I will keep posting on my progress.

DaatEliahu

You have been exposed to  lot of lust.
So your brain is now wired ot crave it.

Do not be hard on yourself.
Take things day by day.

Always be aware of when your lust is growing, and have a plan ready.

Do something else - walking, studying, visiting a friend or something nice for your wife etc.

DaatEliahu wrote on 28 Jul 2019 23:31:

Welcome to the chat, I’m fairly new to GYE too and after numerous failed attempts at trying to stop on my own I am finding the resources here life changing. So welcome!

i just took issue with this working of yours: one more time. I just hope you mean “another time” and not “one last time.”   From many that have been successful I see that it is only with ups and downs and more falls. I myself am somewhat of an all or nothing personality and have this huge fear that if THIS time doesn’t work, THIS time that I am putting more effort than ever before- and if it doesn’t work I’m finished and won’t know how I’ll ever be able to stop then. 

So im preparing now for that chance that THIS time doesn’t actually work perfect, and yes I may fall and that doesn’t mean it didn’t work. Instead of caving to everything all over again I will pick myself up  and continue to make THIS time work! Even if not perfect. I have no idea how I am going to do this lol, but being prepared I hope will help me. 

And im pretty you actually meant just “another time,” and not one last time- but in case you didn’t.....Join me on making THIS time work and it will actually be the one last time 

Welcome DaatEliahu, you are in the right place here !

Did you try to identify your triggers that made you fall ? It could be situations, pictures, feelings, or anything else...

To have a partner to speak with about these issues by phone could be a good step to begin to break the "double life" feeling...
Just a thing : I don't advise to tell it to your wife, if she isn't aware that you have "some issues" : it could make the things very worse...

Behatzlacha !

Hey DaatEliahu,
Welcome!  I really relate to a lot of things you mentioned.  Leading the double life, the crippling shame and guilt.  It killed my self-esteem.  No matter what consequences there were, no matter what risks would be involved, I just needed my 'drug'.  At first I thought it was a religious issue - the yetzer hara, be misgaber, and the fact I didn't/couldn't, made me feel like a rasha.  I tried everything at my disposal - rabbis, therapy/therapists, filters, etc., but nothing worked. 
On GYE I found some 12-step recordings - that was the beginning of the light.  I found out that I'm not a bad person, I'm just insane - I have a certain condition that my brain is wired a certain way.  My acting out isn't the problem, it's just my coping mechanism for LIFE.  Also, I finally heard - this disease is stronger than me, and I alone am powerless against it.  I need the help of a Higher Power. 
It sounded awesome, and for the first time in my life I felt like someone understood, was speaking my language, and that there was a solution.  But I still wasn't able to make any solid changes from the recordings alone, and I was too petrified to go to 12-meetings.  Finally, I broke and went to my first SA meeting.  Ever since, it's been an incredible journey.  I've been discovering new things about myself, learning and implementing living/recovery tools, and developing/experiencing a relationship with my Higher Power.  I can't say my recovery is even near perfect or that everything is just roses and butterflies now, but I do feel hope, freedom, connection, security and warmth and much more that I don't think I've ever felt before.
Good luck, keep on reaching out, and I hope you find a solution that works for you!     

Yes, I know my past adds up to most of why I have this issue, but I am truly wanting to get better and lead a more healthy life. I am very self aware when it comes to my trigger's, but I always seem to lack the strength to fight them every time. Taking things day by day is very important. 

Thanks for the support.