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The Looking Problem
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TOPIC: The Looking Problem 1041 Views

The Looking Problem 17 Jun 2019 06:25 #341769

Good morning fellow Men,

I am 34 y.o. and am married for 10 years now.

I was recommended by the Rabbi about GYE as he tries for a few months now to meddle the situation in my marriage. 

My wife is not happy with how emotionally and physically involved I am in the marriage and it's been like this for the most part of the past decade.

It was evident from the very beginning that my looking at other girls in the street is very noticeable - and a few months after our wedding my Wife brought it up for the first time.

I tried to explain myself out of it and for a period of time I was actually tackling it very aggressively forcing myself not to turn and look. But I guess as the years went by this power of will passed as well and today I find myself looking all the time. Mostly while by myself but sometimes very sadly even when in her company.

Does this mean I don't Love her? 

It is a really big issue that affecting my life on an every day basis on my mood and my energy.

With regards to Porn, we moved into a new flat recently (10 months) and ever since I only once couldn't help it a watched Porn in this flat.

​I never watch Porn for fun. It is purely to serve a purpose of masturbating. 

​Still, when I travel on business I watch porn at least each night when going to bed, sometimes even in the mornings.

Boy how I hope I can find some help here. 

Re: The Looking Problem 17 Jun 2019 10:16 #341770

  • Markz
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Welcome. I like the username!!!!





Don’t forget it’s only a screen name. The real good things are going to come as we jump out of the screen and meet some sweet guys here, or take your marriage to a new level as the Rabbi guides you to a marriage counselor which I believe will also help you with the looking problem we all face.

Keep us in the loop and Keep on Trucking!
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Re: The Looking Problem 17 Jun 2019 12:29 #341772

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Welcome.

Your introduction post is short but it prompts many questions that only you can answer.
It certainly hints that your marriage has problems, which might be causing you to watch porn, and in turn this worsens our marriage.

Was it an arranged marriage?
Did you have any attraction to your wife when you married?
If so, has it worn off or grown stronger?
Do you look at a certain type of woman in the street?
Are you stressed?
What does your wife complain about...is it a low sex drive or you not showing her much interest?
Do you watch a certain type of porn or any porn?

When you have answered all of those...to yourself and/or on here...you can figure out a way forward.

Re: The Looking Problem 17 Jun 2019 16:38 #341776

Thank you Markz!

Yes I have big hopes for the 12 steps program and any other method offered in here that could help with my situation.

With marriage counsellor you mean like professional shrink right? I suggested trying this several times but my Wife doesn't like the idea, she only wants us to talk to the Rabbi.

See you around.  

Re: The Looking Problem 17 Jun 2019 17:50 #341777

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Water Thief wrote on 17 Jun 2019 06:25:
Good morning fellow Men... 

we moved into a new flat recently (10 months) and ever since I only once couldn't help it a watched Porn in this flat.

Call AAA - they can fix any flat in 2 seconds, or did you want free truck towing services???
My Story---------Dov Quotes


What works for me:
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• Awesome Threads Saved for You
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GYE Plenty Solutions
➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk

➣ Nice Trucking Story

Re: The Looking Problem 18 Jun 2019 11:52 #341790

I have no clue what you are talking about. What I meant was that we moved into a new apartment and I saw to myself as this was a new start for us that I will not bring Porn and any inappropriate behaviour into our new apartment.

As I said I managed to hold to my word besides one single time where I couldn't hold myself. But still the problems and issues didn't go away because the lust was still there toward Attractive women in the streets. And this obviously would have the same impact on me as the porn used to as I used to think about those girls in a sexual way instead of putting all my effort and love towards my Wife I would end up insulting her and treating her badly.

Re: The Looking Problem 18 Jun 2019 12:12 #341791

Thank you Colin.

These are some good questions and I will try to answer them as best as I can but before there are some things I must clarify.

I am not from a religious background. I try to put Tefilin every day, go to the Synagouge as much as possible, and I keep Kosher. I used to keep Shabbat for a few years but not right now.

So...

Sort of an arranged marriage, but in total we were dating for a month, and we were engaged for 2 months.

I was very attracted to my wife when we were engaged and of course when we got married. Still, I must say that when we first met each other I felt otherwise. 

You could say that from when we met it only grew stronger up to a certain point. In our first 2 years of marriage we grew very close and built this bond between us. It was I think at that point that I started having lust issues as I started working in a big company and we moved into a big city... also I had a lot of free time and I remember I used to spend a lot of time looking for all the wrong stuff on the web.

I look at a lot of women in the street but obviously just attractive women... it's as if I have this radar inside of me that just cannot miss a single attractive lady in the street. I also live in a beach city, so most ladies here dress in a very sexual way which makes things even worse. But I would look at attractive girls in any other place as well and notice them. I am afraid it's a part of who I am - I admire good looking - sexy women. I am ashamed to say it, but I mostly look at their behinds.

​Stressed... I think more no than yes.

I think it's both but more me not showing her much interest.

Massage porn mostly. But I also watch other porn where there is attractive girls mostly with attractive behinds. 

​I hope it's ok I am writing so openly and in detail about those things.

Re: The Looking Problem 19 Jun 2019 21:47 #341820

  • tzemach
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Hi Water Thief,

You might find this book useful:
https://www.amazon.com/Positive-Vision-Rabbi-Avrohom-Neuberger/dp/1422616452

Regardless of what other tools you use, I think you'll find it very helpful.
You can find excerpts on it at http://gyeboost.org/archives
There’s Life Beyond Addiction

Re: The Looking Problem 19 Jun 2019 21:53 #341821

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Water Thief wrote on 18 Jun 2019 11:52:
I have no clue what you are talking about. 


In American English, a flat is this:
There’s Life Beyond Addiction

Re: The Looking Problem 19 Jun 2019 23:27 #341828

  • ColinColin
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Hi Water Thief

Thank you for your honest and open reply.

It seems from your answer that you do nto have stress or depression as a trigger for your porn watching.
But that your trigegr sis a combiantion of boredom, and sheer physical lust.

From my experience, but it may be different for you, your triggers are easier to cope with than stress or depression.

For an immediate course of action, if you can install filters on your computer and phone, it can help.
Also set yourself a challenge.
When you walk in the street....you can look at a woman for one or two seconds for the simple reason that you do not want to bump into her!
But after that, avoid looking.
Award yourself a point every time you o this.
Then when you get to 10 points, reward yourself...buy some food you like, or go see a friend etc.
It might not be easy at first, and you might not succeed with every woman, but it is a realistic challenge.

As for your wife, I suggest making an effort to be extra interested in her hobbies and daily activities.
Work at lovign her.

But it might be you shoud go to marriage counselling.

Re: The Looking Problem 20 Jun 2019 03:53 #341833

  • Markz
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tzemach wrote on 19 Jun 2019 21:53:

Water Thief wrote on 18 Jun 2019 11:52:
I have no clue what you are talking about. 




In American English, a flat is this:

Hey Tzemach. Instead of fixing 1 tired guy...

Welcome to gye.

I heard you’re a global moderator. 
Will you please stand up to the plate and deal with the World Wide Web?
Theres a crisis of epic proportions and we have been waiting long enough. 
Maybe you will be ‘tzemach’ the final yeshua!
My Story---------Dov Quotes


What works for me:
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100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more...
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GYE Plenty Solutions
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➣ Nice Trucking Story
Last Edit: 20 Jun 2019 03:55 by Markz.

Re: The Looking Problem 20 Jun 2019 06:47 #341836

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Hi Water Thief,

Great that you are posting.
Your problem is not easy, and there are no easy fixes. This should not bring you down - the challenge is what life is all about. We all have challenges, and we believe in Hashem who sends us to this world for that very purpose to be challenged and overcome.
I would suggest the following to focus on the short term. Try to make not looking into a positive issue, not a negative one. 
For example, you take a walk where you anyways are going, try to set a goal to look away. To note, looking briefly when the person happens to enter your range of looking isn't a problem, the continuous looking is. Try to look away and have a preplanned idea to think about (could be religious like an ethical lesson or could be the members of your favorite sports team - perhaps think of this during the day when reading something - like I am going to remember this if I get challenged). Maybe set a 2/3 second window, if you look away and think about something else - you get a point. If you don't look away, you don't get a point. See your percentage at the end of the walk. 4 out of 6 is great! 
This way when you are growing while rewiring your system, you'll get a more positive view of your progress, not focus at the times where you might fail. Only positivity - it's like a person who is trying on new prosthetic legs to learn to walk again. If they fall, and someone degrades - that person is cruel. So any voices of negativity are not coming from a good place - that is a blanket, no ifs and or buts statement. The feelings that hit us out of the blue that is negative - are never from a good place. Never ever never. If we read an inspirational book, watch an amazing story, or hear a great class and feel you want to repent - that's great, that is a good thing. Random acts of depression are just the yetzer hara. 
The next step is to try to quit acting out for a certain amount of time. If you really feel you can't control, don't think of it as quitting. Think of it as a trial run to get yourself used to be more in control. The 90 days is a great goal - but I'd suggest starting with a smaller window.

Happy to speak if you ever need.
Another key is this is a great way to connect to G-d, not a disconnection. Our challenges reveal are inabilities and helplessness. We find that we only have a change with Hashem's help. With his help, we can find we have unbelievable potential.

Re: The Looking Problem 20 Jun 2019 08:14 #341839

  • tzemach
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Has anyone tried the three second rule? (Disclaimer: I've never tried it myself)

It's mentioned in the GYE Handbook (tool 3):

The "Three-Second Rule”: If we see something inappropriate, we can implement the "three-second rule." Doing so involves three steps: alert, avert, and affirm. The first step is to realize that we're seeing something inappropriate. That's the "alert" stage, and it may take a second or two. The second step is to close our eyes or look away. That's the "avert" stage. These two steps should take place within [about] three seconds. The third step is to give yourself a mental "pat on the back" thinking something like, "I saw that by mistake, and I quickly looked away. I'm still clean and, G-d willing, I'm going to build on that, one day at a time." That's the "affirm" stage.
This is crucial, because as addicts, it's often the first slip that does us in ("just as an alcoholic needs to avoid that first sip, a lust addict needs to avoid the first slip").
Many times we feel, "I looked away, but maybe I waited a drop longer than I had to". Then the Yetzer Hara makes us feel guilty when we’ve done nothing wrong at all, and that can lead to further slips and falls. The "three-second rule" recognizes that it may take a second or two to realize that something is amiss, and only then are we expected to look away.

Here's a longer/different version from Robert Weiss (Sex Addiction 101 p. 210):

The Three-Second Rule: [...] After recognizing that there is an unexpectedly attractive or seductively dressed person on the street, for example, they can train themselves to do the following, rather than allowing themselves to “get into” addiction thinking (try it, it works well).

1st Second—Take one second to acknowledge that this is an attractive person or situation that you find arousing and a turn on (sexual attraction is a natural part of being human that must be acknowledged, not shamed or avoided).

2nd Second—Look away. Look down or away, take this second to appreciate the sky, your surroundings, anything other than the object of your desire. Let yourself be aware that you are struggling; that you would rather keep staring at that person or get something (sexual) going with them or someone else. Allow the feeling, but instead of acting on it, take an opposite action by choosing to look away.

3rd Second—While still looking away, imagine in your mind that person as someone’s daughter, granddaughter, nephew, son, etc. See them (in your mind, not by looking at them a second time) as a genuine, spiritual, real person, worthy of love, who doesn’t deserve to be used sexually or romantically and then thrown away. Then keep moving on. By allowing the feeling, choosing to turn away and then de-objectifying the person, you get to stay in the world and feel okay about yourself, as a healthy person with healthy sexual desires, who does not act on them every time you feel them, and as someone who appreciates that people are people, not objects. The more addicts practice this simple exercise the easier it becomes to “be” in the world with less temptation and more hope.

There’s Life Beyond Addiction
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