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Just to introduce myself and ask some advice
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TOPIC: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 1949 Views

Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 16 Apr 2019 16:26 #340639

Hi all. This is my first time as a member of this site here goes. i apologise if this is in the wrong place on the forums.

I'm currently in Yeshiva. First year, started last Elul. I really enjoy learning, and all I could think about was how great Bein Hazamanim would be, where I could learn my own choice of topics all day long...

I started falling to the Yetzer a short time after my Bar Mitzvah, when one of my presents was a tablet. I was just curious until things got progressively worse. Eventually I was reading erotica, watching porn, and masturbating.

After Elul and half of winter Zman in Yeshiva (with a non internet phone) I really thought i had beaten this Yetzer. I was almost disgusted by the thought of seeing inappropriate things. However a couple of moths before the end of Winter Zman, the yetzer started talking to me again. I pushed him out each time and remained TOTALLY pure. I mean for 7 months I hardly saw a woman etc. I was loving being free.

I don't know how, but about a week ago I fell, and its been downhill ever since. I had kaspersky filter, but I figured out how to use safe mode to get around it. I tried to tell my Dad i dont want the laptop anymore, but he said fine, just give it to your Mum. But as long as all these devices are in the house, i really struggle.

The ironic thing is, I don't even enjoy it. I really dislike watching these things, i even cover up the screen with my hand! but I'm still clicking away at those links, and being mevatel so much torah...
I could really do with some advice. (Also a bit of Chizuk wouldn't hurt)
Again, If this is the wrong place to post, let me know..

Thanks for hearing me out. 

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 16 Apr 2019 16:53 #340641

  • bego
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Hiya

Definitely the right place to post! The first thing I'd say is that you've done really well finding your way here. I didn't know about this place until I was much older and would have loved to know at a younger age! 

Second thing is that its normal for all of us not to know why the fall happened. From being tired to being angry to a million other reasons, its something we can all relate to. There are, of course, some common causes (such as the two I listed), but there are plenty more (don't forget the basic seeing a good looking woman in the street!) When I was in Yeshiva I was able to find the most bizarre "turn ons," we're men, that's what we need to work on.

One point I do want to stress. Don't worry too much ( I humbly suggest) about the Bittul Torah aspect. I know the Vilna Gaon is very busy working out how much Torah we are Mevatel, but I think this is more fundamental. We can drive ourselves crazy worrying about such things but going crazy doesn't actually help! 

Be strong and carry on posting.  

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 16 Apr 2019 17:12 #340643

Thanks so much for the support. Never really had anyone to talk to about this. I really appreciate the help.

What do you think is the reason I constantly go back to the things, if I don't even enjoy it, at the time I'm doing the Aveiros?
Last Edit: 16 Apr 2019 17:16 by Im Tevakshena Kakasef.

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 16 Apr 2019 17:51 #340649

  • Mosheisgood
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Kudos to you for coming out here!!!

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 16 Apr 2019 17:57 #340651

  • Markz
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Im Tevakshena Kakasef wrote on 16 Apr 2019 16:26:
Hi all. This is my first time as a member of this site here goes. i apologise if this is in the wrong place on the forums.

I'm currently in Yeshiva. First year, started last Elul. I really enjoy learning, and all I could think about was how great Bein Hazamanim would be, where I could learn my own choice of topics all day long...

I started falling to the Yetzer a short time after my Bar Mitzvah, when one of my presents was a tablet. I was just curious until things got progressively worse. Eventually I was reading erotica, watching porn, and masturbating.

After Elul and half of winter Zman in Yeshiva (with a non internet phone) I really thought i had beaten this Yetzer. I was almost disgusted by the thought of seeing inappropriate things. However a couple of moths before the end of Winter Zman, the yetzer started talking to me again. I pushed him out each time and remained TOTALLY pure. I mean for 7 months I hardly saw a woman etc. I was loving being free.

I don't know how, but about a week ago I fell, and its been downhill ever since. I had kaspersky filter, but I figured out how to use safe mode to get around it. I tried to tell my Dad i dont want the laptop anymore, but he said fine, just give it to your Mum. But as long as all these devices are in the house, i really struggle.

The ironic thing is, I don't even enjoy it. I really dislike watching these things, i even cover up the screen with my hand! but I'm still clicking away at those links, and being mevatel so much torah...
I could really do with some advice. (Also a bit of Chizuk wouldn't hurt)
Again, If this is the wrong place to post, let me know..

Thanks for hearing me out. 

THIS IS THE WRONG PLACE TO POST

Put it up anonymously on the Yeshiva bulletin board!!

Then you’ll likely meet a lightly fried guy who visits gye called Shnitzel & Kugel, or Yankel, or maybe even the Rebbe Bards himself. 

Posting on on this forum doesn’t always get the traction you may be looking for. 

If the Yeshiva has no Bulletin Board, go buy one. 
How do they expect Yeshiva guys to break free without one??

Use your Maaser Money. Do whatever it takes. 
Clean 25 gye trucks b4 Passover if you need!
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Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 16 Apr 2019 17:58 #340652

Im Tevakshena Kakasef wrote on 16 Apr 2019 17:12:
Thanks so much for the support. Never really had anyone to talk to about this. I really appreciate the help.

What do you think is the reason I constantly go back to the things, if I don't even enjoy it, at the time I'm doing the Aveiros?

Welcome to gye, I'm also in Yeshivah..

Would you mind explaining what you mean you don't enjoy it? Is there something/someone forcing you to turn to porn?

I understand you block the screen as you feel guilty however I believe your yh does enjoy porn and being honest about that, is a great place to start, working through different tools to stop you and get you out from this dirt...

Hope I wasn't too sharp and stick around gye no matter what. 
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, attend weekly live "SMART recovery" meetings.

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 16 Apr 2019 18:10 #340653

Not too sharp at all. I mean i click on a link, click somewhere along it the bar at the bottom to skip into the video, then a bit further, then click the next one. Sometimes I spend only a few seconds on each video. Its just the 'thrill' maybe of going from one video to the next?

​I spend a lot of time on leviticus and samuel II, reading about peoples sex lives etc and i guess I'm worried that, due to our Yiddeshkeit, I wont enjoy relations when I'm as much as they seem to. (I fear my wife will restrict us/halochas may be strict)  Could be I 'make up for this' by peeking at porn and reading about other peoples 'best sex experiences and the like.'

Its really hard to explain, some parts I enjoy, (mostly the removing the clothes/seduction not the actual sex) but mostly I think the idea I may never have a good sex life drives me too it, even though its not so enjoyable..

Thanks so much for your help
Last Edit: 16 Apr 2019 18:24 by cordnoy.

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 16 Apr 2019 18:23 #340654

  • formyfamily
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I don't think there is any reason to think you will not have a good sex life when you are married. You can't possibly know that now. That said, everyone here understands that how we act and how we think is not always rational so nothing we do has to make total sense to us. In reality though, if you are able to rid yourself of this problem, you will almost definitely have a better sex life when you do get married than if you continue. I can speak from personal experience on this. I am certain now that my sex life with my wife would have been way better from day 1 if I had not engaged in such activities for years leading up to getting married and even more so continuing after we were married. Porn warps your view of what intimacy is all about and it prevents you from connecting fully with the person who wants to satisfy you in that way.

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 16 Apr 2019 18:33 #340655

I'm not married but from a bochur perspective I know the more porn I watch the bigger negetive effect it'll have when I get married. 

Really if it's lust then no amount will satisfy you.. and let's say your marriage sex life wont be wnouge for you, how exactly is watching pornography as a bochur going to make up for it.. 

When you get married and still not satisfied go watch porn then.. actually Don't, but you get my point..

Point is you don't enjoy all parts of the videos but one part you do, so thats why thank the eibishter for leading you to this site so you can be a lucky person and enter marriage clean and trained in dealing with the lust. 
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, attend weekly live "SMART recovery" meetings.

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 16 Apr 2019 19:48 #340660

Could well be. I don't think its logical, but then again, as formyfamily said, very little about our situations is. I think it is lust (if lust is that full body craving to just.. just... ahhh)

As a fellow Bachur, how do you suggest I use this site to stay clean during Bein Hazamanim? Like what aspects are the most useful to our sort of age/lifestyle?

Thanks so much for your help, in the zechus of you helping me out may we both keep ourselves clean and pure Ad Meah Veesrim.

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 16 Apr 2019 23:18 #340663

  • Mosheisgood
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Why "Ad Meah Veesrim"?! Why not just TODAY!!!!

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 17 Apr 2019 10:58 #340677

  • bego
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Im Tevakshena Kakasef wrote on 16 Apr 2019 18:10:
Not too sharp at all. I mean i click on a link, click somewhere along it the bar at the bottom to skip into the video, then a bit further, then click the next one. Sometimes I spend only a few seconds on each video. Its just the 'thrill' maybe of going from one video to the next?

​I spend a lot of time on leviticus and samuel II, reading about peoples sex lives etc and i guess I'm worried that, due to our Yiddeshkeit, I wont enjoy relations when I'm as much as they seem to. (I fear my wife will restrict us/halochas may be strict)  Could be I 'make up for this' by peeking at porn and reading about other peoples 'best sex experiences and the like.'

Its really hard to explain, some parts I enjoy, (mostly the removing the clothes/seduction not the actual sex) but mostly I think the idea I may never have a good sex life drives me too it, even though its not so enjoyable..

Thanks so much for your help

Replying to this and also your question above as to why you do things. 

You seem like a smart guy. You seem to think a lot which gives rise to questions and also to fears that most likely don't have any basis in reality. But hey, if we only did things based in reality none of us would be here (someone else made that point recently but I cant recall who). So, why do you do it? Because its hard not to. Because once you start you crave more. You also feel guilty, so you find a way to creep towards it until you cant stop yourself. Our minds are very powerful and play some good games with us!!
You asked Shnitzel about what to do during Bein Hazemanim. Help your mother!! If you are not learning then help out. And go out with friends. Don't be bored whatever you do. Now, that doesn't mean to use distractions. That can lead to depression. Rather, focus on the befntis of what you are doing and why you are doing them. Go out with friends not just to pass the time, but to make friends and to enjoy your chaverims company because that's worthwile b'etzem. 
if you do find yourself alone. Try your hardest not to touch yourself anywhere that's sensitive.
But most of all, remember its okay if you fail. Not because (as per your other post) of some vague idea of Hashem being a nice grandfather in the sky, but because the Avoda of a Yid is to have bechiro, to make mistakes and to live to fight another day. 
Good luck. 

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 17 Apr 2019 11:44 #340678

Im Tevakshena Kakasef wrote on 16 Apr 2019 19:48:
Could well be. I don't think its logical, but then again, as formyfamily said, very little about our situations is. I think it is lust (if lust is that full body craving to just.. just... ahhh)

As a fellow Bachur, how do you suggest I use this site to stay clean during Bein Hazamanim? Like what aspects are the most useful to our sort of age/lifestyle?

Thanks so much for your help, in the zechus of you helping me out may we both keep ourselves clean and pure Ad Meah Veesrim.

It's hard to give an answer because it depends on each individuain circumstances and whilst being in Yeshiva with not much time and less access it's much easier to have a plan. 

however when it comes to bein hazmanim you'll have to make a stronger plan and as bego pointed out make sure you don't get into a bored situation, have a back up plan what you'll do if you ever get bored and always best to do hobbies to distract yourself whilst enjoying yourself as bego mentioned. 

end of the day we turn to porn (at least me) cuz we dont have enough positive enjoyment.

Good luck and never give up!
Feel free to pm me, I'm a bochur, attend weekly live "SMART recovery" meetings.

הנותן עיניו במה שאינו שלו, מה שמבקש לא נותנים לו, ומה שבידו נוטלים ממנה

(סוטה ט, עמוד א)


ולכן אל יפול לב אדם
וכו' גם אם יהיה כן כל ימיו במלחמה זו כי אולי לכך נברא וזאת עבודתו לאכפיא לס"א תמיד 
(תניא פ"כז)

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 01 May 2019 01:04 #340802

I hope your plan worked. 

Re: Just to introduce myself and ask some advice 05 May 2019 21:23 #340941

Alright, Yeshivah tomorrow!!!

Thanks so much to everyone on this site, you've helped more than you know.

May Hashem repay you all for your kindness
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