Hello friends. I have been active on GYE in the past but never formally made an account or posted. I am a 26 year old man who's wasted close to 10 years on dirty movies and PMO. I used to check this site for inspiration and tips. I wanted to share my insight for those interested in hearing it and some tips.
I never had formal knowledge as to what sex was and why PMO is so detrimental to your life in almost every way and I basically had to fight the fight on my own. When I was 12 I asked my father what nidda was because we heard it on a shiur in the car and he said it's a type of tumah and gave me a very vague explanation of sex by saying that from where I go pee pee I meet with a woman who has a hole there and that's how babies are formed. That was the beginning and end of our discussion about sex or kedusha or shmiras einayim. I don't blame him c'v because I understand that everything is by hashgacha, but likely a lot of trouble could've been avoided if I was even marginally educated.
When I was a teen, technology started becoming more widely available and Internet access was not a problem for me. At first I began to look at what I did purely out of curiousity but it quickly developed into a full-fledged addiction as time went on and my internet access became more unrestricted.I would watch inappropriate material almost daily and would not be able to stay clean from sh'zl for more than a few days or at most a week or two. When I wasn't doing that, I was watching hours and hours of romantic movies and comedies and dramas to give myself some sort of emotional jolt. I realized after many years that I struggled with this particular issue so terribly because I did not get too much (authentic) love and affection from my parents and I was so hungry for it that I searched for it on screen and then later in person with girls I came in contact with. (I know this is not an excuse and neither do I think for a second that any of this is anything but totally my fault. But I’ve learned a principle along the way- the yetzer hara will only ever attack you where there is weakness. This is a klal across the board. He cannot just approach you one day and order you to sin, but he will feed on an open wound and use it against you. The biggest defense you can put up against him is knowing what you weak spots are and you will be better informed. If you have a rough day, be on guard. He will never attack when things are looking up and you had a great day at work, everyone is smiling at you etc.)
This write up is, in a way, my confession aspect of my teshuva process because the rambam writes that you must confess your aveiros and I know that the more I think about what I have done and become internally disgusted by it I know I am on the path to truly leaving this in the past. I do struggle with thoughts that come up of previous memories of certain actions or images that have become firmly planted in my brain but I guess that’s part of the Teshuva too. My rebbi told me that everytime I am reminded of something and it disgusts me, I am fulfilling more and more of the Teshuva because it shows that its really behind me.
All of this time I knew what I was doing was miserable and wrong. I learned all the relevant halachos, listened to many shiurim and was constantly going to the mikva, especially after fallings. There were times when I was in the mikva more than once a day because I had fallen
at 9 am,
1pm,
3pm etc. My rationalization was that the mikva is only a block away and worst case I can always go there again and I’ll be clean. But obviously echteh v’ashuv echteh v’ashuv doesn’t work. It was a really bitter few years. Knowing it was wrong and actively fighting it on a constant basis was very depressing because it was a vicous cycle that I could not break loose from. It’d be one thing if I didn’t know or care, but I knew how harmful it was and really wanted to stop but couldn’t bring myself to go more than a very short period without it. The last few leading up to my wedding and subsequent kicking the habit for the most part were the worst.
I was in a graduate school program with mostly non Jewish but also some Jewish girls and that got me into a lot of trouble too. I was freer and had my own car and played the same game with every girl I met- trying to make them love me and tell me that I’m worth something. It almost always got very sexual very quickly. I was alone in this battle and was too ashamed to speak to anyone about it. When I was 15 I briefly and vaguely brought it up to my 10th grade rebbi but nothing happened after that conversation because I never went back to him. I brought it up in a little bit more of a direct way to my beis medrash (and current) rebbi but I never really pursued having serious conversations about it (although he did speak about it often in yeshiva and shiur and it was very helpful.)
Towards the end of my graduate program, I met my wife. Within two months we had agreed that we are good for each other and got married two months after that. I got married about a month after graduating (my wife also finished her degree a little after me) and we lived happily ever after… or so I thought. Baruch Hashem she is incredible and the best thing that ever happened to me, but I quickly learned the hard way that getting married would not solve my problem.Granted, I only sinned willingly once or twice since my marriage but I honestly thought I was cured. I was not. Marriage definitely helps, don’t get me wrong, but it is not a magic pill for a sexual addiction. I went into the marriage not really knowing anything about how to live with a girl under the same roof and the only intimate stuff I was exposed to was from movies and dirty movies. I went in with twisted expectations and had no other education. I can’t say that I expected it to be exactly like I saw on screen because everyone knows while they’re watching it that it’s not real and far from a realistic portrayal, but there were many things about how we were intimate that were far off and not healthy to have in a marriage. This led not only to feelings of self-consciousness about my intimacy but to me sometimes going overboard and getting her to be intimate with me even though she was not in the mood or feeling well. I’m very smooth with my words and it worked for me but I knew it was wrong of me to do that to her. I found myself going back to dirty sites not because I was unsatisfied with her or how she looks, but because I just felt this hunger and knew I was still deep in the hole.
Baruch Hashem, after many months of working on myself and keeping to the regimen I had been doing all these years of learning, mikva and constant chizuk I finally felt like I was breaking free of the chains. It’s been about two years since I can remember watching or doing anything b’meizid (about December 2016/January of 2017) and only lately can I really say that now I feel alive. Even though I stopped, it took about another 6 months-a year after January 2017 that I truly felt like I’m living. In many ways I feel like I was reborn. Suddenly I have a desire for kedusha, suddenly I feel like I
want to learn torah and get closer to Hashem. It’s no secret that sh’zl holds you back from kedusha and literally clouds your head physically and spiritually.Baruch Hashem we have a little boy and another baby on the way b’shaa tova. My family is my trophy for winning this battle. My son is beautiful and incredible Baruch Hashem. There are doctors out there that might say he should’ve been flushed down the toilet, but they can go fly a kite. Nothing is more beautiful than a jewish child.
My wife doesn’t know the extent of my struggles but I have told her some of it. She doesn’t need to know every detail. If you decide to tell your wife or potential wife, do it gently and after you’ve already been married for a while. The less they know the better because otherswie she’ll be overthinking everything and it’s just not necessary. It might make her uncomfortable and it’s better left unsaid or said sparingly. Baruch Hashem we have a beautiful healthy marriage and a loving relationship that is built on love, not lust.
I will make a separate post of my particular tips that might be helpful to fight the struggle and maintain distance from falling in the future.I hope my story is helpful and if even one person gets chizuk from this entire write up I will be very happy. I was all along in my struggle and no one helped me. Hashem stood by my side and after years and years of fighting and davening for Him to help me, He pulled me out of the hole. Don’t give up on Him and most importantly yourself. There’s no word in lashon kodesh for ‘failure.’ Therefore, it’s not in God’s dictionary. It shouldn’t be in yours either.Hatzlacha and bracha.
