Thanks everyone for the responses and great tips! 

Bh day #128!

i-man wrote on 14 Oct 2018 19:45:

Who are the madrichim you're referring to?

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 14 Oct 2018 14:59:

And I thought it was a joke, a play on you being a giving person. I kept clicking the spoilers and it kept giving me another one

Day #134!

Just saying I had big urges to act out tonight, but what's the point in having 30 sec enjoyment which will cause me 30 days of feeling depressed!

P.s. honestly this mindset is the only thing currently keeping me clean....

I also had serious urges today. B''H I am with you on this and will stick with long term happiness over short term pleasure.

 How does chazal or the program address these post "sobriety" urges?

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 22 Oct 2018 05:33:



וֶהֱוֵי מְחַשֵּׁב... וּשְׂכַר עֲבֵרָה כְנֶגֶד הֶפְסֵדָהּ

Great. Keep it up.

I find when I'm being rational and reasonable it's easy (easier) to stay clean. The problem is lust can bring you to a irrational place. What do you do then?

Great question! That's what lead to my above mentioned reason for me staying clean.Keeping myself clean used to be rational but now my lust has brought me to a irrational place. Helping my sobriety were the following,To reach 90 days, I've always passed that..To enter marriage clean: technically I can fix it up when I'm engagedNot viewing women as objects: my sobriety hasn't changed that drasticallyWhich leads me to refrain from watching porn just because I don't want to feel like a low life/down afterwards.Why do people feel like fools after watching porn is another question....

Day 135 on first try!

But that's not really what's special about today, the good move I did tonight is probably worth more than my 135 days of sobriety. 

Since I switched yeshivas my former person rav isn't so accessible so I basically went over to a new Rav/mashpia in my Yeshivah and said "שלום עליכם" this is my name and I want you to be my mashpia/personal Rav and this is my main issue etc, it took me a whole week to get myself to go over.. I was hesitant maybe I should, maybe not etc

I was literally shaking and changing colors as I was telling him about my struggles, he was familiar with gye, not surprising, he told me one of his talmidim is getting divorced because of it... Very sad...

Anyhow me opening up to a real person which knows my true identity and face, is life changing, he told me to go into shiduchim based on my situation and my sobriety, so iyh hopefully it'll be a smooth process in finding the "right one". 

In his words: give yourself a tap on the back for opening up to me and for being clean for so long". 

I would also like to give a big shout-out and huge thank you to מלאך רפאל on this site, which goes by the name of "it only gets better" he really helped me out and encouraged me, hence a malach helping me get cured!!!! And to all those other who help me, if you think I meant you, then your right, cuz Its too many to spell out

For a moment there you had me convinced that you were all done. One day at a time?

Wow!!!! That takes  lots of courage!!  and you did it because you knew that its the right thing to do, even though it was really tuff,  we should really all learn from you to do what's right no matter what it takes.
Keep it up! You really give us all chizuk when you are being such a great role model for all of us.

Woooowwwww!!!!!!! Im so Jealous!!!

I can only imagine how well this will help you out as you continue throughout life. putting aside this one benifit which will be absolutely HUGE, you  will aslo feel able to turn to him for anything!

Teach me how to be brave like that!

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 23 Oct 2018 02:57:

You are one brave and wise fellow! May Hashem help you find the right shidduch easily, and may you grow together!

Moral of the story : It's wise to share one's struggles with an appropriate rebbi/rav

Thank you gyehelp2017, realstatemogul and hhm for your encouragement and support!

Haha, I'm actually laughing as I write this post.

I just fell after being clean for 140 days! I'm not depressed or feeling down at all! I'm happy that I was able to prove to myself that I can fight this fight day in and day out, and that it has taught me brutal honestly. In a sense I feel now different then I did till now whilst being clean , because it shows me I'm a normal person with struggles ( a struggling bochur)  not some malach that got rid of his desires.

I'm just picking myself up after a fall and I hope I can stay strong again. What caused my to fall? Basically I was just reading some article which happened to be extremely triggering for me, abit too much, it wasn't porn or even real erotica. So now I know to NEVER read such articles again iyh.

Day 1