Hey GYE community,
I’m 20 years old. I grew up in a broken home.. divorce.. remarriage. For years, the way I escaped from everything was pornography and masturbation. I always disliked this behavior but I kept on doing it. When I got to beis medrash though, I knew I had to put a stop to it once and for all. So I made a decision to stop. I got rid of my smartphone. Two weeks later I fell. I watched porn on the tiny grainy screen of the basic phone I had. I was baffled. I was doing great in yeshiva. Why would I do that? It wasn’t even enjoyable. It was a tiny screen and i couldn’t see anything. Well, as I had learned to do so well over the years, I jumped back up and forced myself to Seder and began to learn, fighting to push thoughts of resentment out of my mind. And then I went a couple more months clean before falling again on my fathers computer. And then I had to get back up and force myself back into regular yeshiva schedule, committed to not fall again, but as a couple months pass, the commitment weakens. And the same cycle continued. One time I fell though, I felt like I had hit rock bottom and I decided right there that I am going to see a therapist for my problems. So I told my parents I want to go to therapy. Thing is, I didn’t tell them a specific reason, and as you can imagaine, the therapist that we found wasn’t quite used to dealing with problems that people like us have. And after continuing to go through my fall and get back up cycle a few more times I finally forced myself to find a proper therapist. I found one, and now I am in recovery, already having seen this therapist about 10 times. I am 1000% a supporter of therapy. And I think that there are many many people who are only in the blue section of this website that can greatly benefit from the tremendous power of therapy. Most people can benefit tremendously from therapy even if you aren’t a sexual addict! I’m clean from porn for about 7 weeks. From masturbation.. not quite as long. More like 5 days, but you know, it’s a work in progress. I try to be positive. I’m hopeful that my future is a sober one, my marriage is a healthy and happy one, and I can be the father and husband and have the career I’d like to be and have. I’m shadowed by a little pessimism though. Even though I’ve had a level of short term success many times, I can’t seem to imagine never watching porn again. It seems impossible. And unrealistic. Should I just be thinking shorter term? Anyways, just wanted to introduce myself. I’d really appreciate if people reach out. Thanks

Little M here reaching out to say Hi

Sorry to hear what you went through. I'm happy you're taking positive steps - Therapy def helps many of us - please keep us posted and KOT!!

Hey Markz thanks for the encouraging words.
what does KOT stand for?

KallOurTherapist

Keep On Trucking = Keep Up the Good Work

Hakolmilimala I thought hakolhevel? Now I'm confused;)

Welcome, great that you got a therapist. Stick around here for a while you might learn a thing or two. It's a great place.

I'm sure you will learn soon enough that most people here try to live ODAAT = one day at a time. 

welcome hakol milmala
like that name
sounds like your doing great 
don't worry about the future 

Welcome. You came to a great place. In conjunction with the therapy you will iyh do great. here you will meet people that have "been there and done that". They can inspire you with their success and make you wise with their advice. Keep posting. Maybe you could share what triggers the masturbation. Is it lust? Stress? Boredom? Hatzlocha.

Hi Hakolhevel thanks for reaching out.
Why is Hakol hevel? Do you mean all materialism is hevel? Otherwise I would say everything has a lot of meaning and value.

and yeah about the ODAAT, I think it’s definitely a great outlook. But I also think that I have to think about my future a lot and plan ahead as to how I’m going to handle certain challenging situations and how im going to hopefully be a porn-free married man. So when I do this and I look ahead and I plan for my future by trying to reach certain goals and attain a level of personal growth, it can be very daunting to think of the concept of giving up porn forever and never going back there. I think the more I abstain from it though the easier that concept becomes. Do you find the same?

Hashem Help Me wrote:

Well I am triggered by seeing or interacting with attractive women, but the true underlying trigger is usually a feeling of loneliness and not feeling like I’m going anywhere. Not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Like to all married men, I’m sure marriage brings many of its own challenges, and every one tells us 20 year olds not to rush because single life is amazing, but I personally feel that these years are pretty hard. Forget about the sex. Just being so lonely and so on your own. Trurh is it’s not like that for everyone. Depends what yeshiva your in or where you work. And depends what type of support you’re getting from your family.

I’d actually appreciate if some of the married men on this forum can share their thoughts with me on this matter. You know everyone says single life is great. No reaponsiblilties. Don’t rush. But to you who’ve seen the other side of this story, would you really agree to that? Isn’t it overall easier to be happy and successful with a companion at your side, especially for someone prone to loneliness that grew up in a broken home? 

For me it’s very difficult, and if I allow myself to get down and depressed, that’s when the real desires for porn and masturbation set in. Key for me really is if I’m happy and I’m feeling productive, I can calm the beast.

Your self awareness is great and healthy. Your comfort in sharing it is courageous. You iyh are going to "go places" in life. Regarding your question - When Hashem created the world, the animal world was created as male and female being separate entities. There fore, although they join for breeding, we don't find in general animals needing spousal companionship. There are some species that mate for life but they are the exception. And there are some whose "societies" are made of groups, but they are not grouped as "couples". Contrasting this, when Hashem created man, male and female were one unit and then they were divided, thus creating a natural need/drive for companionship with a spouse. This is not a sexual need, rather a need for intimacy/being cared for. Marriage is a healthy system to fill that need. That being said, one should make sure they have their head screwed on straight regarding sexuality before getting married, or they can chas v'shalom destroy their shalom bayis and the opportunity to experience that intimacy in its intended fashion. May Hashem give you much syatta d'shmaya as you start to deal with the parsha of marriage.

Very interesting idea you bring up, and I totally take your word on it. It definitely makes a lot of sense being that chava was made from adam. Do you by any chance have a source that you’re quoting from?

just to redirect and clarify my question a little bit, obviously no pressure to respond if you’re busy, and to others, id love to hear your responses. I understand the desire and I now understand that it is an innate and very natural desire, as man was created to be with a women. My question to the married men on here who I’m discovering to have some really amazing things to say, is what would you tell yourself if you were twenty years old? I’m ready to wait until I’m 22 to date, and I’m ready to commit to being a productive single guy until then, but I want to work on myself in this area. My biggest fear is to bring porn into my marriage. My parents are divorced, and because of that, my number one dream is for Shalom bayis. I Daven for it a lot. It’s my ultimate goal.
If you could tell something to your younger self that was heading towards marriage, what would you would have told him? What could you have done differently?

I feel the pain of a married man captured by this addiction. When I watch porn, I’m hurting myself. The effect on others is relatively minimal. I’m a single unit. But I’m sure when a married man watches the shame cycle is that much worse. That’s what I desperately want to avoid. And I know that the basic answer is to just stay clean and continue my recovery, but maybe you guys have something sound to say that can help?

I think such a big thing with addiction, and  not just sex addiction but any addiction, is to look ahead and recognize when a challenging setting might come up. And plan ahead. I’ve read a few books on addiction and I’m learning to do this. (If anyone has some great book recommendations I’m always open) If I’m going to be somewhere for a weekend where I know there’s is going to be unfiltered Internet. I have to plan ahead. I have to make strict gedarim. I have to come into that situation with a plan. Otherwise before I know it I’ll end up at my climax, pop back into reality, and hey it’s too late.

its a similar thing I’m trying to do here. I’m trying to prepare for marriage. I’m trying to screw my head on straight! Just trying to figure out where to start!

Pornography is highly destructive to marriage. Its not just because of the shame. And that is even where the wife is unaware the husband is viewing it. The best thing you can do now for your future married life is to completely stop viewing these images. Real intimacy and sex have almost nothing at all in common with what you have seen. And when the wife becomes aware that her husband is watching this stuff.... Hashem yerachem..... Besides everything else, the wife feels she cant live up to her husbands unrealistic expectations.... There is so much to say about this.

What you wrote about planning is very true. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail! Any prior recognition of triggers and planning what to do when they come is an insurance policy against acting out.

Do the best that you can! Even if you fail, keep on fighting!!! Daven VERY hard success. בדרך שאדם רוצה לילך, מוליכין אותו. If you really want to be clean, Hashem will help you.

Going through life with a partner, with whim you can share your feelings, desires, emotions, hopes, aspirations, and even your darkest fears, is something very special. (I've been married for 13 years so far.) However, don't assume that marriage itself is a cure all fix all. Marriage alone will not solve any problems. At best, it can give someone the inspiration to fix his own problems. Working on oneself is VERY hard, and takes loads of blood, sweat, and tears, and there are NO shortcuts. You have to put in the hard work if you want to better yourself. A good wife will support your efforts, encourage you when you are down, and laud your successes. (You should of course do the same for her.)

Many people think, that with all the wrong things they have done, there is no way for them have a successful marriage. They are wrong. Hashem LOVES us, and WANTS us to come back to him. HE applauds our successes more than anyone else. Use your marriage as a catalyst to grow. 

As to whether or not to wait to start Shiduchim, my personal response would be, ask someone who knows you better. If you have a Rebbi in Yeshivah who you are close to, open up to him, and ask his advice. You should also ask Hashem to help you make the right decision, and even to show you the right path.
Keep up the good work!!!